There is nothing worse than ending a relationship but not being able to totally break free because you have kids with your ex spouse is probably worse if you do not handle it right. Even if you have the ability to go no contact and the strength to move on, it is not going to be so easy when you have kids. That being said, while your kids should always come first, if you allow yourself to get caught up in the hate of an ex spouse, you will find yourself doing things that either cause you great personal embarrassment or endless levels of stress.
Remember that you split up with your spouse because of some betrayal. Betrayal can be a single act or years of disrespect, but you aren't splitting because you grew apart. You aren't friends any longer if you ever were. As you accept that your relationship is splitting up, you must also watch how your ex handles your access to the kids when it comes time to see if co parenting is a reality. Coparenting only works when both parents see each other as equal parents in terms of time and value to the children. If one parent sees the other parent as less than you cannot coparent with that person. It is really a simple concept that men as the typically devalued parent need to understand. If you cant understand this concept then your sentencing yourself to years of mental anguish and will reduce your ability to be the best parent you can for your kids.
While the best advice is to set aside your differences for the kids and do the best you can to make sure their transitions into single households are as easy as possible, this does not mean you become a fake person pretending to tolerate or even co exist with someone who created the destruction of your family. You cant fake kindness with any credibility if your behavior was the big reason for the marriages demise. You need to get time with your kids and focus all your family energy on time with them. There is really little or no reason to speak to the ex spouse to be a good parent. Interacting with an ex or creating a family get together like dinners etc is only going to mentally mess up your kids more.
It is important you set the ground rules of post split interaction almost immediately upon deciding to split. You might have to be a little more accommodating to your spouse until a parental agreement is in place and sometimes it isnt possible if you have to leave your home to avoid further bad behavior or fake accusations of violence. Being a jerk or an ass is going to make the stack against you even bigger when it comes time to determine custody so do all you can to avoid conflict and show you can rise above differences until the Judge can hear from you and make a custody determination if you cannot do it with your ex. There is no bigger piece of human shit in the world than a woman who forces you into a court room to get equal custody of your kids absent legitimate issues. Divorcing a woman is not a reason for her to hijack your kids from you and such behavior should eliminate any chance at a coparenting relationship.
Men must understand the nature of women and how they value you as a father. While you are great for paying bills and playing babysitter as needed, too many women would be happy if you disappeared soon after the birth leaving them to be a single mom, especially if they have dating options and you can leave them financially set through equitable distribution or a soon to come child support order. You can be the best dad in the world while married , but upon splitting you will be devalued to justify her demands for custody and to deflect her inferiority as a woman and wife.
If you cannot agree on a custody arrangement at the time of splitting up and any extensive litigation is required to determine custody, co parenting is pretty much off the table. You will know which way this will play out likely before you ever leave your marital home. Women way more so than men use children as pawns to get revenge or a higher monthly financial payout without even thinking of how this behavior affects the kids. How you can even look at a woman, much less talk to one, who blatantly and in your face said you are worth anywhere from two over night visits a month to maybe every other weekend with your children despite your character as a man and father. Ask any woman who co parents effectively with the father of her kids about her custody agreement and she will tell you it is on her terms and likely less than equal custody. These women would not seem so cooperative if their ex had demanded equal custody. While there are women who despite the fact their relationship ended value their exes importance as a father and will agree to an equal time custody deal post split, these women are rare. Our court system enables and encourages women to decide what custody they want and if the man opposes it, he has to go into court and fight to get it and he better have so much ammunition against the woman just to get equal. If parenting and character standards in court were reversed, men would get equal custody more often than women would. The standard for a man to obtain or keep equal custody is higher than a womans. Women know this and thus feel confident that there will be no penalty when they keep the kids from the father or let him see them on her terms. Most people don't have the money for an extensive custody battle so men end up losing out on time with their kids because they cant afford it. the shock of watching a woman you loved and had kids with blatantly keep your kids from you often does not wear off until its too late to make some very important decisions in your fight for custody.
As I tell men to never accept less than equal custody time of his kids and to make a judge not an ex wife tell you you are not a father worthy of equal time, if the end result is not going to be equal through your own consent or a judges decision, how can you expect to be a co parent with any sense of value? As bad as women see you before the custody order is in place, they will devalue you even more if they get the custody they want and what is worse they will try to undermine your custody and relationship with your kids should you get awarded equal custody by a judge. You cannot co parent with these women.
Once the custody order is in place, you need to invest all your energy in to your time with your kids. Manipulative phone calls, texts, and emails by the ex during your custody time are designed to distract and make you feel like a child. Her reminder to give Johnny his depression medication or to talk to him and ask him how Tuba practice was when she could care less about it is all designed to mess with your mind and to make sure the kids do not forget about mommy for even one second when they are not with her. Ignore them and do not answer them. Do not respond to anything that is not an emergency. Do not offer to help her watch the kids while they are on her time. You will learn that is a waste and that mom would rather hire a babysitter than give the kids more time with dad. You will be at your wits end trying to cooperate with a person who wants to manipulate and demean you. Your pride as a man will also take a hit if a woman who made it clear she does not see you as an equal parent yet you talk to her like you will accommodate or help her as she needs you. Having kids with a woman does not make you her emotional bitch even if you are her financial bitch.
Your mental health is the most important and your kids want a mentally healthy strong father spending time with them not one who is interacting with mom and getting upset because he sees how he is being treated. Your kids will see it and it will hurt all of you which is what mom wants. Your mental health can only heal and become strong once you put the past behind you. The marriage is over and your wife is gone. She is not coming back. She only has power over your mind and spirit if you let her. You aren't going to co parent with the mom for your kids benefit when she has devalued you as a parent from day one. Kids don't care if mom or dad get along and if you are fake nice to each other for the sake of coparenting the kids will see it and likely make fun of you as the dad for still being moms whipping boy.
I try to live in the same way I advise my clients. I have not spoken with my ex since I walked out many years ago when my kids were very young and even if the Judge has made it clear my ex and I do not coparent when my ex tried to take my equal custody, the Judge sees that I am a great dad and my kids like being around me. A judge isn't going to change your custody because you don't talk to your ex as long as you show the court you are a top notch man and father. Bettering yourself should be more of a goal than how you will coparent with someone who would take joy at your emotional destruction. Until the custody is decided or agreed, you have show you can be a coparent, but if the ex is one of those that forced a fight rather than agree to equal custody, she is not worthy of one ounce of your breath once the custody order is in place.
Conventional Coparenting wisdom saying you need to get along with the ex and speak cordially for the sake of the kids is the same as those people in the nutrition industry who tell you to never skip breakfast as its the most important mean of the day. We as men need to reverse our thinking. If you are one of those men who can get along so easily with an ex after a divorce, you are either a wimp or didn't care one bit about the marriage. If you are a normal man, you want no part of the ex even as it relates to the kids and only need some support or encouragement to never speak to the ex again once the custody order is in place. Your wife may not have admired you but taking this approach will cause your kids to think you are an awesome and no nonsense dad which in turn will cause you to raise better kids.
If you need coaching as to how to live a no contact lifestyle with an ex while raising great kids, get in touch with our office.
When it comes to divorce and ending relationships, the most difficult behavioral concepts are often the most simple and most vital when it comes to a mans mental health and future outlook on life.
To understand the concept of No Contact and why it matters, ask yourself why your relationship ended. It likely involves betrayal by you or your spouse. Its really that simple. There is no big analysis needed as to why relationships end. It isn't typically about growing apart or life changing events. Betrayal can come in different forms, but the concept is simple especially when it comes to the ending of a marriage. Either way, even if you have children, as a man you need to move on and never speak to the ex again. You need to understand why in order for you to have a future of good mental health or potential relationships.
If you left your wife because you met another woman or you want to be a single man and chase pussy like you are 18 again, you are pathetic as a man. To insult your wife further by trying to be friends after the breakup, help her with her chores, or even do anything with her related to the kids if you have them is only insulting her further and making yourself look like some white knight type of guy who is really a piece of shit. Accept your choices and move on while being the best parent you can. Never speak to her again.
If your wife betrays you, your approach is the same. If your wife left you because she wants to be single and get a check from you each month, or simply does not admire or respect you causing her to look at you with disdain day to day forcing you take the action of leaving because she wants to play victim while getting paid, why would you want to be with this person much less talk to her? If all you did for your spouse and your family was to result in no contributions, sloth like behavior, or poor treatment from your wife, why would you want to have contact with this person ever again? Ask what made you take such a rash decision to want to break up your family? Its not about leaving the cap off the tooth paste or the toilet seat up. Its about contempt which resulted in betrayal. With women, its usually not about them cheating. They are pros at hiding that and yes they do cheat. Its usually about the mental betrayal of a failed partnership. Imagine having a business with someone and you did all the work and earned all the money and your partner contributed nothing yet at the end of the year the profits were split equally. How long would you let that go on? It is no different in marriage. Imagine being the man and you work a lot and bring home tons of money so your wife has a comfortable life allowing her to stay at home with the kids. Your house is never clean, you do all the yard work, and she uses sex as a weapon knowing you think she is one of the most beautiful women you have ever seen. She treats strangers better than you and acts like you dont exist when you are at home. Her hours spent late at night on the computer betraying your trust and interacting with people in a way that are improper make you look dumber than you already are for providing such a good life for a horrible woman. Why would you ever want to talk such a person once you get the courage to leave?
I know you have kids and you want to put on the best front possible for them? Who cares.
Once you and your wife split up, shes gone, you are never going back, but you are still a parent. Depending on how your relationship ended and the type of person your ex wife is, she is going use the kids as pawns to hurt you even if she is the one that caused the break up. Shes probably going to steal as much of your personal stuff as she can too all while denying it and playing victim to anyone who will listen including a man hating court system. She wants to show others that you are not a good father as part of the big picture that you were not worthy of her or to cause you pain for leaving her. If you have doubts about losing your spouse because of her betraying behavior such as outlined above, watch how she handles the custody issue and you will lose any regret you had for losing your wife. Any woman who puts her own thoughts of how to punish you over the health and happiness over her kids is the prime example of why no contact does and should exist. If you don't have kids then there is no reason to talk to her ever again but even if you do, her post split behavior will eliminate any regret you might have about completely cutting her out of your life, kids or no kids.
It may take awhile to get the custody issues decided and it is important you get the custody time decided. How to go about that is discussed in other places, but you want everything in writing in the form of a court order so you know when and where you will see your kids. Until this court order is in place you are likely to require more emails or texts to arrange scheduling and pickups etc than you would like in a no contact approach. Do it all in writing and never speak to her and never go near her physically to eliminate all possible attempts at false claims of threats or violence that she will make against you until you accept less than equal custody of your kids. You will find that throughout this process, especially if she will not agree to equal custody or wants you financially ruined, that the person you left or are upset because she left you is not a quality person. You will soon ask yourself why you spent any length of time with her and even married her. Its always tough to lose someone you were attracted to and who is the mother of your kids, but that is part of the withdrawal of no contact and these facts should help you make the transition a bit easier. She might be physically attractive and the mother of your kids, but as a person she is basically worthless and not worthy of any of your time going forward.
If you are unable to take these drastic steps, you are going to mentally destroy yourself and your children will respect you less especially if you have sons. You have a duty to teach your sons how to deal with women and we are becoming a society where men are increasingly devalued and disrespected but where men need to learn to not tolerate it like our fathers did. These societal transitions must be passed on to our sons so they can recognize and learn at a young age the nature of women and hopefully to end up with a good one as there are a few in this world. In the same sense, if you have daughters, they need to learn that strong men aren't going to be whipped by an ex wife who likely betrayed or cheated on them causing their family to be destroyed. If you cheated on the mother of your children and you have daughters, you will have spend even more time trying to earn their respect but if you left their mother because of how she treated you, you will have a unique opportunity to earn the respect of your daughters will also teaching them not to treat men like their mother does. For this country to survive we need to raise daughters to be respectful and not selfish instead of allowing them to be glorified THOTs posting pictures on Instagram or staying up all wee hours of the night on a computer playing sex games or writing about Harry Potter characters having perverted sex so other fan ficton writers can give the affirmation that you cant get from being a wife or stay at home mother.
No matter what the circumstances are causing your marriage to end, it is emotionally tough if you are any type of human who cares about others. You don't marry every person you meet and you certainly don't have kids with everyone either but you cant dwell on making a bad choice when it came time to picking a wife. Once the wife devalues you and disrespects you, while she may not leave the marriage, she is abusing you to the point where you want the marriage to end. You must have self respect and move on in totality which includes getting the courage to leave and go no contact.
Men who are able to break free and deal with an ex via no contact have better futures with new women and a cleaner mental health outlook. It certainly isn't easy and requires mental strength that most men don't have or who need real push and encouragement to see it through to so they can live healthier lives going forward. If you are unable to do that get the advice and support that will allow you to do it. Quitting a bad woman is like quitting smoking. You might get some enjoyment from it, but it is slowly killing you. You know you need to do it and there will be withdrawals when you finally get the courage and strength to do so. Once you take the step to quit and never go back, your health gets better. You cant do it halfway.
As women see more men being willing to take such harsh steps, especially men who existed in their marriage with little conflict and in an easy going style trying to please a wife, women will learn they need to value their husbands and marriages a bit better. Best of luck guys and if you need help taking or justifying these steps contact MenUnited for guidance.