Divorce is a bunch of hurdles that you have to get over. Some are easier than others. Once you are over them, time helps the memories and anger fade away. Some of these hurdles are monthly reminders of the injustice mostly men face, even when they are married to a career woman who manages to achieve and earn while you are married. The injustice of it all is a reminder why so many women try to keep men from getting equal custody of their kids, even when these women are working full time jobs and even making more than their soon to be ex husband.
When I was getting divorced, my ex was a stay at home mom. She was college educated and very attractive. Even if you thought she was lazy and liked the stay at home life, she had an education and in demand assets that would allow her to get a job and grow her career without much effort. She had a job when we got married and even when she got pregnant with our first child, her employer did everything for her so she could work from home after her baby was born. Its not like her paycheck went into a joint checking account as what I earned was ours and what she earned was hers. Despite this set up and a husband who didnt want to rock the boat by asking her where her money went each month while his earnings were used to pay for the household bills, she still decided it was too much work to keep her job and work from home. She was planning ahead. She knew if a divorce came, she could cry to the court that she was a dependent spouse meaning more child support from me, the increased likelihood of alimony, and most important to her, the easier it would be to hurt me financially and keep me from my kids.
As I have discussed in prior posts, while the court gave me equal custody because she wrote volumes of fan fiction porn with graphic sexually tones and with characters named after her daughters, it did not help my child support situation like it should have. Because she was smart enough to make herself a dependent spouse, the court took pity on her and did not allocate any income to her for four years when child support was being calculated. Once you understand how child support is calculated, if one spouse has no income calculated on their side of the column, no matter what custody arrangement exists, the other spouse is paying more each month. Not being forced to work or earn an income for four years, but instead being allowed to get a new education for a new career at her leisure while I paid for her entire life, on top of the lump sum she was paid, is just one example of the injustices men face as the likely primary earner. Now that she is working, dont think that changes things as I still pay significant child support(the alimony payments have expired) every month despite having equal custody of my daughters. These monthly payments are not needed to make sure my daughters have the same things at both parents houses, but is simply money going in to her pocket because I decided to leave a marriage where I was mistreated.
But this post isnt about my situation. I just bring it up so you can see the extremes that exist and why men often end up so destroyed financially and emotionally after the custody battle, one where they lose more often than not even when the mother is no better a parent than the father.
While my ex does not make 100k a year now that she is working, lets talk about a woman who does. She and her husband broke up. The husband made the biggest mistake in the world which was soon after splitting he, with the encouragement of his lawyer, who just wanted a quick pay day with little to no fight, signed a custody agreement giving primary custody to his wife. The wife wasnt about to offer him equal custody. As with most situations, where both parents are working full time, a divorce can often mean lots of babysitters and difficulty for the kids especially if they are younger. The court system too often favors the woman in this situation and lawyers will often tell their male clients that its pointless to fight for equal as its just a waste of money because you are probably going to lose. Save your money, maybe get some concessions on child support, and let the wife work out the babysitting on her time, especially if she has a flexible job. This is simply a mistake for the mans mental health as while it may seem easy to do, once it is in place a man sees every month the mistake he made as he sees his kids only every other weekend and writes a check to an ex who in this case makes more money than he does. Once this custody order is in place giving primary custody to one spouse it is very hard to change unless the kids get to a certain where their opinion might have some sway on a judge during a motion to modify custody. Even in the best of circumstances, once a kid gets used to certain custody schedule, it is hard to get them to ask to change it even if they love being with the parent with the lesser time and that parent is a great father. It is heartbreaking to see this and why I tell every man never to sign an agreement with a woman that gives him less than equal custody of his kids. If you fight it and the Judge refuses equal custody, you will be able to tell your kids when they are older that you fought for them and can tell a judge at a later hearing to change custody that you actually fight and dont roll over when things get tough.
When the man in this case signed over primary custody of his young kids, he soon learned how this affected him, but to his credit, he kept a positive attitude and maximized every minute with his kids. I dont know that I could do that. As great a father as I am, this man is even more enthusiastic about his time with his kids and goes above and beyond while he faces hurdles in his professional life that make finances not consistent in terms of stability and income. As a self employed person I can totally relate as the check is still due each month and he is sending it to an ex who does not need it while she takes great joy seeing his money go into her pocket and hoping that everything he has financially gets destroyed or taken from him. These women want you homeless and mentally broken. They think you are mentally broken the minute they get primary custody. The alienation is often direct but always subtle.
The system is so broken and it is so important that you do everything you can to get equal custody of your kids. This man who allowed his wife to have primary custody makes money with his business but he puts in significant hours trying to keep it afloat. His ex wife in her job makes over 100k per year. She is in their marital home and the kids are with her 75% of the time. Her life hasnt changed other than she got rid of a man she didnt want. Who cares who filed or initiated the divorce. Its the women 80% of the time and 90% of the other 20% its the woman who wants to play victim and drives the man to file when he prefers to be married and raise a family. Despite the fact she makes enough on her own to give her kids a fine life, her husband, who makes less money than her, must send her child support every month. She makes over 100k per year, he makes less, and he has to send her money. Let that sink in for a minute. While she might have more expense because of the kids time being more with her, this is a woman who even years after the man stupidly agreed to less than equal custody, refuses to give the kids equal time with their dad. She resisted his motion to change custody to equal and now the mans teenage son is being raised primarily by a mom who hates men and simply cannot give her son what his dad can. This is child abuse of a young man and ongoing mental abuse to the father all without ramifications. If you call this behavior out in a court hearing, the Judge will shut you down. She does not refuse equal custody of her teenage kids because dad is a bad guy or bad father, its done simply out of spite and hate she has for a man that left her. The court system provides no help. The kids suffer and the man struggles financially every month while seeing very little of his kids. You dont get this time back. Men do not keep kids from a mom out of spite or for the love of money. Women will and they do it with the full blessing of the court because we operate in a system that says this is how things must work. The man will always bear the burden of society and child rearing even when the woman is successful in her career and makes plenty of money. A good father and good man has been deprived of equal time with his kids because he got bad advice during a time of stress where he paid thousands of dollars to a lawyer who didnt help him and because the ex wife pushed things knowing she had the power of the State behind her.
Both of these extremes are the norm in divorce and child custody. Whether you divorced a stay home dependent spouse or a career woman who makes plenty of money, these women can and will try to keep you from your kids and if you do not fight for equal time, you will have a harder time getting it in the future, and no matter how much money she makes, you are going to pay her child support. While many couples understand there is nothing to fight over and divorce and child custody issues are resolved quickly and inexpensively despite the animosity that still exists, there are people, especially women, where no matter the facts, who want the mans head on a platter because he decided he was not going to stick around in a mentally abusive relationship. Even if the man was at fault for the divorce, there is no reason to punish the kids when the man is a good father.
If you are dealing with this type of woman, it is important to understand why you fight rather than roll over. You need a lawyer who will help you see what needs to be seen even when you cant because of the emotional turmoil you are facing over the loss of your money and the access to your kids.
Make this choice wisely gentlemen.
Whenever a man goes through the dissolution of a relationship, he wants someone he can relate to in order to feel he isnt alone or to help him understand that his soon to be ex wife is not the only horrible human being out there. It helps if your story can match someones who seems to be a quality guy.
When I was going through my divorce and child custody battle, I wanted someone I could relate to because I was sad, angry, full of uncertainty, and wanted someone with my mindset and sense of humor to feel what I felt. I didnt care to hear from dudes who were not good men, cheated on their wives, or who didnt earn and consistently take care of his family. Almost every man I found things with them that made it clear they were the cause of the divorce. Some of these men were even married to decent women who did all the things I wanted my wife to do, which was very little. This search continued because we all want people who dont know us men to see that these women we marry seem so appealing on the outside, yet their behavior, motives, and character lead us down a path where we get financially and emotionally destroyed all while trying just to maintain equal time with our kids.
Men I give you Jay Cutler. i think I may have found the poster child for why I want to teach young men to make better choices and understand how women treat us especially when they are appealing to us like his wife might appear to be to those young men without mentors or who simply want some eye candy for a wife.
I try to stay knowledgeable on sports and the people involved in it even if I am not a fan of the team or circles they run in. The men in this world get so much so young and attract the women that even top shelf professional men cant begin to see. This can be good and bad. I knew who Jay Cutler was because there are only so many NFL QB jobs and add in to the fact his personality is kind of dry and he was often maligned as a teammate right or wrong. This is a guy who is good looking, made millions as an NFL QB, and is clearly smart on some level with highly desirable Vanderbilt education. His parents are the kind of people that can provide the love and support that is real and genuine in a southern kind of way. They ares smart and raised a good son. They remind me of my parents. You can spot quality. It does not mean you know them.
Being a proponent of marrying young and having your kids early for a variety of reasons, on the surface it would seem like Jay did things right. He found himself a beautiful wife who for all her faults is articulate and has some sense of drive even if she is an attention whore and represents the nature of hypergamous women as well as anyone. Her personality and looks can cause most men to overlook or not see how she is as a person. When a man makes millions at a young age, in many ways he is at a disadvantage because while he will have access to certain types of women and if he makes a mistake or does not protect himself, he can be stuck with years of child support and lose a lot of his assets.
I do not watch reality TV for a variety of reasons. I am aware of who Jays wife is and her reality show. As news of their divorce came out, you pay attention to see what happened. Here is a successful good looking guy with a great sense of humor and no desire to be in the limelight divorcing his pretty wife in their 30s with three small kids. This shows you that no matter when you marry and how great a guy you are, you are likely getting a divorce. Most men in their early 30s have minimal money and if they are going to be successful it will usually come later in life. If you had your kids early, they age out of child support and you are dividing miminal assets with your ex wife. Jay is the exception from a money standpoint and his youth, but he is a prime example of what men 10 years older need to learn and see what will likely to happen to them by their 40s when they are at their peak earning years of may have a wife who starts to earn money at a older age, even if it is nowhere near what you earn.
Are you sitting there asking yourself if you are Jay Cutler while you decide when the best time to get divorced or wondering why your wife suddenly wants a divorce despite you seemingly at your peak with earning or assets saved.
Lets look at this situation a little closer so you men can see your path that is now Jays....
He got the attention of a woman because he was a high status in the spotlight NFL QB. His wife, Kristin Cavallari, didnt want anything to do with him at first. She turned it around once she saw how she could use him to further her career. She was a zlist reality star and known when meeting him, but she wasnt making tons of money or had much of a career. In steps Jay and his millions. She used his money to buld her own clothing business. She used his contacts to meet the right people. She made sure she had her kids. He paid for it all and worked his ass off. She did what she wanted when she wanted all while enjoying her kids early years. When they were together, she demeaned him with her rolls of the eyes and insults that she thought flew under the radar. His laid back nature turned into sarcasm. As his NFl career wound down and she used his money to build things that she wanted, things turned. She became more arrogant and he was simply tired out. He worked hard and provided for his family and was not appreciated. She wanted nothing to do with his friends and built her own network of people Jay likely wanted nothing to do with. Her friends and their needs mattered more to her than he did.
Then came the reality show...VERY CAVALLARI...basically a show about the life of a behind the scenes guy with looks, wit, and a good personality and his attention seeking wife. It was about her friends and attempts at branding all built of the back of his NFL earnings. Her looking down at him was for the world to see. He dealt with it with indifference and sarcasm like so many of us do. He wanted a family and a wife who admired and respected him for what he did to take care of them. She wanted more attention. Things werent getting better and he knew he was stuck. Their personalities, which should feed off each other to create a great relationship and the building of business and family were instead a picture of a man no longer needed by his wife. He was done as an NFL player and wanted to be with his kids while she did her thing. She wanted the kids and for him to do what she wanted on demand. He was a child in her mind no longer a man whose brand or status could be used to get her to a higher level.
In the real world, these things are not so obvious. Here you are as a man doing it all. You are taking care of your family. Over time your wife isnt interested in you. You werent allowed to quit on being a provider or taking care of her, but when she was ready she could quit on you. This quitting could be subtle or it could be in your face. She is openly paying attention to others. She is spending more time with these people or living on a computer. She would rather be with them than you. Maybe she wants to take your money and savings and build her own little business. It does not take millions like what Cavallari has access to with Jay but its still money you made. She has opportunity because you handled your business right. If your wife isnt ignoring you, she is making fun of you behind your back, making snide remarks about you in front of others. If you escalate or call her out you are labled as angry and impossible to be around only furthering a divide that started soon after she had the last kid.
Now the divorce is here for him and he will pay.....
The money he earned was spent to fund their lifestyle. She contributed little to nothing. Yes having the kids is important and she maybe wasnt able to earn money like she wanted, but she wasnt going to anything on the level near what he was doing. Its just like your wife. The high level of income goes away with the retirement or maybe a business failure. Your wife is doing her thing and maybe shes meeting new men including men who make the same or more than you. Even an NFL QB can be the victim of hypergamy just like you probably are. She has the look and knows how to act to get what she wants. You are now going to divide the assets that she didnt spend. You wont get any of her earnings once you split up. You will be lucky to get equal custody of your kids. Maybe Jay had a prenup and maybe it will be upheld, but either way, she married him and spent his money when it was clear, even after three kids, she didnt like or admire him. It may be because Jay wouldnt kiss her ass. Jay isnt afraid of losing her because she is not on his team. No matter how this turns out, he gave that woman a life she never would have had and now she gets an unfair amount of the assets and is divorcing a man who no longer makes what brought her to him. It is quite a kick in the teeth for a good man like Jay Cutler. Divorce is tough at any age and to see a woman get so much when she contributed so little leaves a man helpless and frustrated. I can only imagine to have made all those millions and watch a woman who used you spend it. She will have a new man soon after you break up because she looks like she does. Jay will certainly be fine when it comes to company, but what about you? If you are in your 40s facing this and you dont look like you did when you were 30, its tough to see all you worked for taken because you no longer what to be around a bad woman no matter how pretty she is.
If you are sitting there wondering where it all went wrong, understand that even top level guys like Jay are not enough for the type of woman like Cavallari. They are the forbidden fruit that most strong men will get involved with knowing that they are not going to be loved and respected on a sincere level in most cases. Once you are there the fight and custody scheduling will only make things worse.
As a man, you need to get ahead of this and be in control of these situations. While you are young learn what to do with your money. Understand the discrepancy in what each partner brings to the table and protect what is yours. Watch how a pretty woman will demean a man who does not do or say what she wants. If you dont take her crap, it will end sooner rather than later. Have your exit strategy prepared long in advance and pray that beautiful girl you managed to score might be the rare one who will be your life partner.
So many men are Jay Cutler and to see his divorce play out in the public eye is a blessing. We need to learn how to take women like Cavallari and be in charge of them. Jay failed as most men do. His deferrential personality combined with his money attracted a narcicist and control freak like Cavallari. They were a match until he stopped playing along. Does that sound familiar. When you no longer provide something for her, she becomes openly disinterested and disrespectful because she knows she has the upperhand in any divorce proceeding.
I am a big Jay Cutler fan and wish him the best. He reminds me of my marriage except my wife wouldnt dare build a business because it required work. She only went to work once the free money wore out. Jay is on a differnet level obviously from a financial standpoint but the result is the same. We as men need to educate each other because this stuff will go on. Maybe Jay's personality will help him mask his pain but a man worth his salt cannot let any women control his life.
If you arent sure what all this means or if your wife treats and uses you like Cutlers wife does, then watch the episodes and learn it as a using tool. Learn to recognize how women like her are.
We are all Jay Cutler.