The manosphere and many a divorce lawyers office are filled with stories from men about women who suddenly decided they no longer wanted to be married or even worse behaved in such a way where the man had no choice but to leave and file for divorce or live a life as a doormat. This does not even count the stories of infidelity or just flat out disrespect. Most men are too arrogant or ignorant to understand that a woman will never be loyal to him and she shows it through her behavior soon after the honeymoon period is over.
Instead of trying to understand why women are the way they are, what men need to understand is to accept how women are and make life choices based on the inevitable devaluation that will take place in the relationship. Just because a woman marries you does not mean she sees you any different than any other man she has dated. If you aren't her first husband you are likely going to pay for the sins of the men before her especially the man she married. Being a second husband is one of the dumbest mistakes a man can make and I can say that from experience. I had no chance at loyalty or admiration. That option was used up long ago on some other dudes even if for a brief moment before her relationship ended. Does that mean you go into monk mode and never date or marry? No. Men need to simply understand how women behave and recognize it so they can make relationship choices that work best for them.
I have always been an advocate of getting married young and having kids as early as possible which is something I believed even when I was young but was unable to achieve. While financially it might make things a bit tougher when compared to first establishing a career, it eliminates a mans financial exposure for child support and allows him to rebuild once the relationship goes bad. It is so much easier to deal with divorce at age 35 with older kids than at 40 with younger kids or even at age 50 with teenagers. Odds are you will get divorced or be in a relationship with a woman that has devalued you and will have an affair or just flat out disrespect you. If you get married young and it lasts you have a rare gift and no amount of sex with others you miss out on is worth losing that type of relationship. They died off with out parents and grandparents when society was a lot better and people showed more respect for each other.
Men need to learn that women are always looking for a better deal. If she can be better financially she will leave you for someone else. If you are the Alpha Dog provider, she might not leave, but she is going to have affairs both physical and emotional. This desire for better security and attention has caused them to have no character and use men in ways that men either don't recognize or ignore because they want kids or love a giant set of breasts even if access is temporary.
Instead of trying to fix or understand why women are this way, men must make life decisions accordingly so when things go bad to the point the trade he is making day to day to be with the woman isnt worth it, he can walk away without the emotional damage that comes with ignorance. Men are naturally loyal but in today's world he cannot be and maintain his sanity.
All men need to ask themselves why they are getting in to relationships and what they are willing to tolerate in order to get what they want from a woman. If it is anything other than kids, the trade you are making is not worth it. To have the awareness to where you actually see and recognize how your woman treats you and over time devalues you is very painful. Knowing when she finds richer, better looking, or just someone who will give her more attention she will leave you, it is tough to watch. You can do nothing about it however. You cant change her. The prettier she is the less of a chance you have to keep her attention long term no matter how much you try. Is the sex worth it? It shouldn't be. You can get that without being tied to a woman.
The desire for kids with a pretty and smart woman is mans kryptonite. We all manage it differently but it is there. For all the horrible treatment and devaluation I suffered while married, it was still worth it because of the gift of my kids who are healthy, smart, and attractive. The money paid out to the ex was worth it once I chose to walk out because I could not stand the thievery, devaluation, and disloyalty. It is tough to get the mental strength to accept that no matter how much you love someone, how well you provide, or how well you treat them, you cant make a person loyal, or behave with character. She will lie and steal to better herself. You simply need to decide what you can accept to pursue your goals of being around her. It could be kids. It could be sex. It could be just having a pretty woman with giant boobs on your arm. Failing to understand what women are is going to be your emotional destruction on top of everything else if you dont make the deal with yourself. Anything other than kids should be a no deal kind of set up.
Once everything goes bad, a well trained man can navigate the loss of the relationship because he isn't losing anything in terms of his relationship. He isn't losing someone who loves or cares. He isn't losing a loyal partner. He isn't losing someone who thinks of someone other than her or her kids which are essentially props to get things she needs for herself. You are losing nothing you would expect a partner to bring as a person. Does this mean a man is happy when his relationship is gone or his family is broken up? Deep down he isn't but its better than being stuck in negativity and disrespect that came with the woman. Even if men become aware of the true nature of women, then why are men angry and filled with hate toward exes and date less after their marriage breaks up? It is simple really. It is the court system that favors women. The man is not upset he lost a wife. He's upset she gets rewarded financially and he has to spend tons of money to possibly see his kids equally despite the fact her mental abuse is likely why the marriage ended. Fix this problem by eliminating alimony, not assuming a 50% split of the assets when one spouse earns it all and the other is addicted to porn on a computer or cant even keep a house clean, and forcing a wife to pay her husbands lawyer fees if she chooses to fight an equal custody arrangement. Steps like these are just the beginning to build a foundation for eliminating male anger but also destroying the family court system which is just a money grab for lawyers and a redistribution of wealth by the State.
Think about these things when you are entering a relationship with a woman and over time the woman will understand that you see what she is and that you don't care one bit when the relationship ends. What you do care about(your money and your kids) are what she wants to take which basically reaffirms that loyalty and character do not apply to women and protecting them should be your priority. Let the woman go.
Learn this now as a young man and live a life you control with kids and maybe the rare woman who appreciates you as a man or learn this later while you get divorce raped, lose access to your kids, and get into an emotional state that causes your life to lack enjoyment because you thought the woman you married might actually be loyal.
Your marriage world is not your parents marriage world. Gone are the days where most people get married young and build a life together which includes the accumulation of property. If the marriage did not work out to the point of divorce, which was rare, there was not as much difficulty determining what was marital property and what was individual property. Women also were not as worldly as today's modern THOT.
With people getting married later in life or getting married for a second time after they have accumulated a fair amount of property, it is important not only to know what property belongs to you and is not subject to your state's equitable distribution laws should the marriage end, which it likely will.
In North Carolina, what you owned before you married is your separate property and what property you obtained while you were married is marital property. While there are some exceptions which include property you inherited while married, for the most part you need to know what was your property and what was marital property from day one of your marriage because the wife will lie about that stuff once you want a divorce and in an extreme case could leave the home empty when she is ready taking everything out including stuff that is pre marital and personal to you. The personal stuff my ex removed from the home out of spite are thing she had no personal interest in and are things I can never get back. If you think you married a sweet woman and she would never steal or lie in an equitable distribution filing, you are more blind than I was when I got divorced.
One of the many hassles in the divorce process is filling out the forms where you list your property that is yours solely and what property is marital property. On the surface this should be simple, right? Your soon to be ex wife has always said what is hers is hers and what is yours is ours. You could have the laziest do nothing wife, but from the minute she marries you she is inventorying all of your individual property and the marital property that will soon come to maximize her financial windfall in a divorce.
I remember when I was getting divorced how all of this preparation from the wife was a total shock and only added to the confirmation that divorcing her was the right thing to do. Throughout our marriage I was the one that paid all the bills and handled the marital finances. My earnings covered that luckily. I knew the wife had a separate bank account and money she did earn when she worked went into her account and I had no access to it. The money I earned was used by her as needed. I was not married to someone who was managing money or taking financial charge of the household. Before we married I had accumulated a significant amount of stuff that was my separate property. The stuff she brought into my house that was hers could be put in the back of a pickup truck. The point is my wife did not seem to be someone who was into possessions or stuff like I was. I readily shared everything I had and there was no score keeping as to anything. I did not expect her to steal from me muchless lie on court forms as it related to assets.
Why do I mention this you ask? The point I am trying to make to men and clients is that once you are getting divorced, if you think you married some simple woman who has no interest in possessions or even your pre marriage stuff, think again and begin preparing to save your stuff as soon as you get married.
When you are divorcing your emotions are running high. The loss of someone you care for or who betrayed you, access to your kids not being guaranteed, and having to build a new life are all at the forefront. You expect to keep your separate property and divide the remaining stuff equally and fairly. You dont think you will be that person fighting over dishes or that issues regarding the classification of property would be something you would face, especially when your wife does not give off the impression she is into possessions.
Once we got to the part where we had to meet with lawyers to list the stuff in our posession(the stuff I left in the house and the stuff I moved when I took out), for all the difficulty I was dealing with as to this life change, I was now presented with a ledger my wife had literally been keeping since our marriage. She claimed to know when everything was bought, what my personal property was, and what was marital property. She had printouts as to the cars I owned pre marriage showing the value, the type of gun I had and its value, and all sorts of stuff. The fact she took the time to list it all out was one thing, the fact she tried to claim things that I saw as personal property as marital property was even more shocking. A stereo that I clearly remember buying for myself a few months before we married was listed by the wife as marital property with the purchase date being just after we married. She did this with so many personal items of mine, most of which she never used or had an interest in. Because she brought nothing to the marriage she now felt all of my property that could not be documented with pre marital purchase receipts was not marital property. I was in shock. In addition to wondering how a sloth of a woman who didn't work and let our house stay so dirty that child protective services could have shown up and removed our kids from the home, I was now watching the same woman have all of my property listed out with all the marital property. When I did my list I didn't include stuff that was minor in value and I certainly didnt list her personal pre marriage property as marital property. It was shocking to watch the presentation from someone who now seemed like a professional organizer and accountant which is the exact opposite of the person I knew who couldn't keep a house clean.
This was a tough lesson as I now had to battle to retain much of my own stuff in addition to the battles that come with valuing marital property and getting your fair share. The stuff I left with was made out to be plated with gold bullion while the stuff I left in the home(not counting the stuff she stole and hid) was made out to be worthless. Anything to argue for a higher payout for the property she was going to do. The shock and amazement at such brazen behavior by a woman who was given so much and who provided nothing economically in return still stays with me. My situation was not unique and many clients and friends have experienced the same.
The lesson is simple but valuable even if it is abhorrent you are treating a wife like a thief or enemy before you marry her. When you get married inventory your stuff. Take pictures of all your personal items that are not subject to equitable distribution should you divorce. Keep receipts for all big ticket items you own. That $2,000.00 bike you bought before you married is going to be argued as marital property if you don't have proof of when you purchased it. While the importance of all this really depends on your level of wealth going in to the marriage, you still need to prepare because as long as the woman you marry feels you might divorce her, which is even heightened if you choose to marry a woman who was married before like I did, shes going to protect herself from day one to maximize her financial payout.
When it comes to your wife, don't let her behavior or actions speak for what kind of person she is going to be when the divorce happens. The dishonesty that goes on with women in a marriage is always going to exist, but don't assume your wife wont steal from you when it comes to property that she never owned or has no interest in because her desire to destroy you overcomes any lazy or sloth like behavior you see day to day while you were married. She might look lazy, but she is going to be more prepared for a divorce than you ever will be if you dont have the right people on your side.
Alcoholic Wives and Their Children
I was never much of a drinker and in fact I am pretty much a teatotaller for a variety of reasons. Seeing alcohol in any situation is rarely good and it has an effect on children and relationships especially when the habit is hidden.
I grew up in a lower middle class environment in Southern California. I remember my parents having friends who were a little rough around the edges. While I never saw my parents drink much, I remember get togethers with other families where the Coors was flowing the smell was obvious. It was gross in a cigarette kind of way. My parents smoked when I was young and that smell was a big reason I have never considered smoking a cigarette or anything ever. The alcohol smell was nasty but not as bad and it seemed more socially acceptable. It took a little more life experience observing others for me to see the effects of excessive alcohol use and for me to decide that taking a drink was rarely going to happen if ever.
Fast forward to high school and you see kids drink and I had friends who clearly liked to brag about how much they could drink. Over time, these were kids I wanted no part of for a variety of reasons. Once in college, kids who had never had any freedom began to drink like alcohol was water often with consequences that involved injury to personal embarrassment causing them to withdraw from school after a bad weekend that they regretted. Watching an 18 year old kid back his bags and leave school for good because of what he did while drunk and how the other kids made him feel even more shame is not something I would wish on anyone. Other than having half a bottle of Corona with some chicken wings or a wine cooler while trying to be social, I would never drink to the point of not being in control. Having a girlfriend cheat on me using alcohol as an excuse cost me a relationship that obviously was not as meaningful as I thought. Alcohol is a life lesson and you need to ask yourself how it fits in to your life and that of someone you might marry.
Simply put I am not a big fan of alcohol but to each his own as long as they do not cause harm to others. What people who drink do not understand, is that alcohol is something that effects relationships and children. While alcohol use by others use might be something men can ignore in social situations, they cannot ignore its use by a woman who you want to be your wife or who is already your wife.
One of the difficulties of being a non drinker is that people who find out you are non drinker either think you are all high and mighty or they hide their drinking so as to not feel inferior when they are around you. This is typical even if you don't insult or judge a woman you might meet who does drink a bit more than you would. As a man you have to be able to spot women who have problems with alcohol before you consider getting married and having children. While the woman you marry is not the woman you divorce, you cant go into a marriage worried if your wife has an alcohol problem or fail to spot it if she does develop one after you have been married for awhile.
Once you are married to someone, you want the secrets between the two of you to be minimal. A secret can be fine if you know your spouse will never find out about it or if it is one you will accept the end of your marriage if they do, but alcohol is not one of those secrets that are easy to hide. Seeing bottles of liquor in your cupboard that aren't yours yet never seeing your wife drink around you is a problem. Having your children say they saw mommy drinking or even finding bottles around the house is a huge problem and will stick with them. As a parent do you ever want your children to see you drink to the point of being drunk? Do you want your kids to think you sneak your drinks? Of course not.
If you and your spouse are both drinkers and its out in the open, any problems that exist regarding behavior will play out with full disclosure directly or indirectly. That is for another post. However, when one spouse hides their alcohol habit and you are aware of it, your relationship is going to end or at the very least be filled with resentment as you will not think you know the person you married.
In addition to the bad behavior alcohol enables, its hidden use can be an indication of other problems or secrets that may exist with an individual. You do not want that person to be your spouse. If alcohol use is not a big part of your life or you in fact are basically a non drinker, you need to vet a woman for her alcohol habits before you consider marrying her. While you cannot change what she might become after you marry her, you need to have your eyes open to the habit. There is nothing good about drinking beyond the occasional social drink and if you are on a different page as to whether a certain amount of use by a spouse is proper, then you are going to have problems down the road.
Little secrets are a sign of big secrets in a marriage and nothing good is going to come from that down the road especially when there are children involved.
The Red Devil