Are you one the rare men who is already divorced and had a trial to win equal custody? You had to face parental alienation the day you chose to end your marriage because you married a despicable woman. You were lucky enough to obtain information on your wife before or during the divorce process that you could use in court to get equal custody of younger children knowing that if such information was against you, your custody would be limited to weekends or even supervised visits. During this whole process, despite you being a top notch man and father, you had to watch your ex do all she could to keep you from your kids while putting thoughts in their head that made it harder for you to bond with them as they grew up. This was done with full support of the courts and no ramifications for a mother who tried to alienate kids from a good dad simply to get a custody schedule that maximizes her support payments. The injustice of having to pay a woman child support despite equal custody when she is educated and works aside, if she can get you on the every other weekend schedule she would get even more. These women are simply about revenge, greed, and parental alienation and despite this you have managed to overcome all these disadvantages, win equal custody, and build a relationship with your kids.
Do you think this is an end to your involvement in family court? Do you think your ex will accept 50% custody when all her friends have primary even if you are still paying child support because you are a successful man and she is a leech who can achieve nothing on her own. Although she gets a job after doing nothing while you were married it does not make her a successful or equal person in the courts eyes. She is a dependent spouse and will play the victim card until the day your kids age out of the system. The minute that Order came down from a reluctant Judge giving you equal custody after thousands of dollars were spent on lawyers, your ex is plotting to take the custody back simply because she wants more money and because she does not want you having a relationship with your kids because you refused to be in a bad relationship with her.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"..even if she was the one who actually scorned you(fixed it for you Mr. Congreve)
While kids have little to no say in their custody until they are about 13-14 years old, even after you defeated the wife in court by getting equal custody of your kids(do you see how dumb that statement is ie you won because you got equal when it should be automatic), she is going to work on the kids in any way possible to the point where once they become able to have a say in their custody, the alienation being so strong, they will come to you and say they want to live with mom despite all that you provide them materially, emotionally, intellectually, in an overall environment 99% of the kids on the planet, especially those from broken homes, would die for. You have spent years fighting two fronts in your battle to have a relationship with your kids and to reduce the financial exploitation of men that is the family court system. You are now going to fight a third front, your own children.
Teenagers are a difficult bunch. We know from the personal experience of having been one. Some of them become allies of their parents and are like an added hand to strengthen the family as parents age. Others, especially those from divorce, rebel and cause problems for their parents while also damaging themselves. It is hard enough to raise one when both parents are still together and supporting each other. There is still a chance they will do something to harm themselves or realize they aren't going to be good at sports or other social interactions which cause them to need added emotional and financial support because they feel inferior. Some are just lazy and use people because they watch how others in society do it and see what their mother did to their father. Why work when you can get married, live off a man, and after divorce, get a paycheck from the man for past services he never even received such as a clean house or regular sex.
When a strong man who is divorced does all he can to be a good father to his kids and provide them with everything, he forgets that the kids can still be brainwashed by the mom or just make decisions that make life more convenient for them. Parental Alienation goes unpunished in the courts because it is usually committed by the mother. Courts don't want to hear about the sins of the mother and just want to punish the father for his after they are embellished or flat out made up by the mom. If your ex is alienating your kids from you during your time or your kids don't understand the system and feel mom is promising something to get them to live with her, they now have a power over you because if they go live with mom full time, your child support is going up significantly. Imagine the anger a man feels when he has equal custody of his kids after a long fight only because of the moms addictions which could include alcohol, drugs, or even porn, he still has to pay child support to a woman who does not need what he is ordered to send her to give the kids the same standard of life you give them. This anger is amped up when the kids, who seemed happy with being able to see both parents in their pre teen years, suddenly think they have a mind, hit the teenage years, and start dropping hints they want to live with mom. Imagine your own child being brainwashed or guilt tripped to go live with mom that suddenly she goes from hugging you every chance she gets when she is around you to suddenly looking at you with disdain and walking as far away from you as possible at home now making an environment that is tough because both parents are not there to an even tougher one. Any attempt to find out what is going is met with resistance and likely to justify the alienation attack mom is successfully running. You barely emotionally survived the first attack by the mom and now your kids are are kicking you down even further. There is a reason men just walk away early in the process. The stories of the men who fought for custody, even with some level of success, who ended up losing it and their relationship with their kids because the kids suddenly decided after years of equal custody they wanted to go live with mom with no reason other than the generic "we like it better over there", are many and they are sad. This change and the loss of his kids after trying and achieving some sense of equal time and relationship with his kids is another smack in the face a man gets which comes long after the original smack the woman gave him when he said he was not worthy of equal custody because of her greed and demand for vengeance.
Let me tell you what one man did when faced with the new assault of the most recent motion by the mom to change custody and you can decide if it was right......
This man was successful. He built a business long before he met his wife. His wife contributed nothing to it before and after they married. He was financially responsible during the marriage and when he chose to leave her because she was a horrible wife, she got a huge financial settlement despite contributing nothing to the marriage. That upset him but he moved on never speaking to his ex again. They had kids and had to sort the custody issues because she wouldn't agree to equal custody. When he left he was offered two overnights a month. TWO NIGHTS!! ENDORSED BY THE MOTHERS LAWYER!!. He was then offered every other weekend by the mom just before the custody trial which he rejected. All he wanted was equal time. He was willing to give her all holidays, birthdays, and any dates that made her non working self have minimal inconvenience in her schedule of staying at home doing nothing while he continued to run what was left of his business after paying her for just getting married to him. By luck and the grace of God he had found moms bad habits which forced even the most conservative anti equal custody judge to give him equal custody. While moms lawyers argued dad should have no more than every other weekend, they ignored their female clients habit where if the situation was reversed, they would have asked dad get minimal custody or even supervised visits because of his demented mindset and behavior. Mom was never going to get less than equal custody unless you could prove physical abuse. Mental abuse was ok in the courts mind. Her lawyers knew it and just laughed at dad as he tried to argue for equal custody like it was some outreageous demand.
The father won equal custody which the Judge reluctantly gave him because of what was found out about the mom not because he was a good man or dad.
A couple of years later the mom made a motion to change custody. She wanted primary custody with no reason to justify it. There was no "substantial change" since the last Order was entered other than there was still no coparenting because mom wanted it to be that way to create an issue for the court. Even the anti father judge that heard it couldn't ignore the quality of the father even if she hated him for speaking up about the system in open court. Instead of taking his custody, she simply took all his rights to his kids medical and educational decisions leaving the wife as the sole decision maker for anything that really mattered. She did this despite the mom refusing education opportunities for the kids and getting the oldest kid labled ADHD by a hired expert causing the kid to have self esteem issues.
The father dodged a bullet and kept his equal custody.
3 years later, the kids are now teenagers. Mom files yet another motion to change custody relying only on her belief the kids now prefer to be with her full time. They are at the age where they will have input with the courts as to where they live. During the 3 years since the last attempt, the mom slowly trained the kids that they should live with her full time and that dad was ok with it. The moms lawyers even emailed dad and said it was their understanding he was just willing to sign over his custody despite all the years he fought for equal. They wanted him to show his anger or say the wrong thing in his response. The kids had a great relationship with their father. He taught them about life, coached their sports teams, and was always there to pick them up and take them places while mom heavily relied on baby sitters despite the fathers offer to watch the kids when she had to work etc. Over time the alienation by the mom worked and without warning the oldest child turned on the father. She made up things about his behavior, accused him of things that were not true, and treated him like he was an old guy in the park looking at her wrong. The relationship was suddenly not what it once was once the behavior of the child changed. The younger sibling, who actually liked being with the dad over the mom, was not going to be separated from the older kid so the father was told that if the older kid chooses to live with mom, the younger kid would as well.
The father was in a tough spot. He knew the kids had the power in that the court was now going to listen to them. He was angry at them for their lies and sudden change in behavior yet still acted like things were the same so the household will stay good. If the kids went to live with mom, of course mom would say go see dad when you want and that the kids believed that. They didn't understand the financial ramifications if things changed and that the father would, even under the best of circumstances, have little to no input in the ups and downs of their teenage life if they lived with mom full time. Forget the fact that when a kid hits 16 or even sooner and they are supposed to go to dads every other weekend, atleast half that time they will have plans with their friends and don't want to go. You don't want to be ordering a teenager who you hardly see to be at your house instead of with their friends. That only makes the kid hate the dad more. He knows with this change, he will be lucky to get 2 overnights a month. This is what the mom wanted almost 10 years ago when they got divorced. You can't be a father with this arrangement.
The kids were told that their input mattered with the court and they had a long discussion about the pros and cons of doing what they were going to do and to be very careful because they need both parents equally during a time in life when there would be lots of issues good and bad. They knew where the father stood and he never spoke bad of the mom to them and never told them to abandon mom and come live with him full time even if he knew his household was better and he offered better parental guidance than their mom.
The date for the hearing came and the older kid said she wanted to live with mom full time. The younger kid made it clear they wanted to be where their sibling was and how can you blame that child even if the child preferred dads house. Add the moms testimony in her woe is me fake Marilyn Monroe voice and the lies about the father and his attitude. He was at fault for failing to co parent. It was all him. The father sat there in silence knowing he could do nothing about the lies.
The court changed the custody and gave the mom primary custody with kids seeing the dad every other weekend. His child support now doubled and he had to work even harder at a business whose main success was long ago and the majority of the profits were in the mothers pockets.
The first weekend came for the kids to see the dad. The dad texted the mom and said he was sick and couldn't pick them up. The kids didn't contact the dad much during the times they weren't with him as they had been trained by the mom for years while the custody was week on week off. Four weeks passed and no contact with his kids and it was time for dads weekend visit again. He texted the mom and said he had work obligations and the mom types back that its ok, the kids have an activity they didn't want to miss. Salt added to the wounds by a woman who now took over 50% of the fathers after tax income from a business she never helped build or contribute to while married. The father wondered after years of being a great father how his kids can just turn on him and go live with mom full time.
Weeks turned into months and the father didn't bother to go see his kids. After awhile he made it clear he would not be taking court ordered every other weekend visits. Whether he sees his kids every other weekend or never his court ordered financial support was still the same. He wasn't a babysitter or a part time father.
Never agree to a custody order that gives you less than 50% custody he remembered being told.
Years passed and the kids graduated high school. He never saw them. Their attempts to contact him decreased. They only texted or called when they needed help. They never asked him how he was. The self centeredness was evident and the alienation was clear and dad was tired of being used. The mom hurt her kids and isolated them from the father for money. That is worse what a prostitute does to herself.
The father never saw his kids again. The kids were destroyed by their good fathers decision but when they aged they realized how they betrayed him. He didn't give in to their wishes being that of a teenager and forced a court hearing but he couldn't control what the court did which was listen to the kids request even if created by the mothers brain washing. The value of equal custody, what he wanted from the beginning and fought to keep until his kids turned on him, was lost on everyone but him. He died alone and total strangers had to settle his affairs and make sure he was buried in the plot next to his mother, father, and sister, who died long before he did.
What is the point of this story?
Maybe the fathers approach was harsh. Maybe it wasn't. However its real and it happens to many men.
The point is that you can spend all your time fighting your ex and the courts to get custody and even if you have some success, you will face a fight until the kids age out of the system which is typically when they graduate high school. Some states are worse than North Carolina in the time fathers are saddled with the financial responsibility of the kids. The kids will have a say in where they stay and their approach toward you can turn on a dime often because of the mom. As men you need be aware of what your ex says to her kids and try to talk to them when possible about what you can when you can. It still may not be enough.
Your ex will never give up trying to destroy you especially if you left her because of her bad behavior that she wants no one to know about. There is a reason none of her family members showed up to any court hearings to support her. It didnt matter though. The court system is her support system. Nothing is her fault and you will pay every last dime she can get and she will ruin your relationship with your kids via parental alienation. If the kids see what she has done, which sadly they often don't, it will be too late. These women are pros at alienating kids and can do it even if you have equal custody. Until the courts start punishing women for this behavior your battle isn't over just because you won equal custody when the kids were young.
To have a chance in the family courts and building a relationship with your kids, understand the battle begins the minute you decide to separate and ends only when they age out of the family court system. Even after they are adults, you will still battle an ex who tries to influence them with hate to keep them away from you or to think less of you. There are many grandparents who have been alienated from their kids by an ex, that when their own kid has kids, the kid will keep the grandchild away from the grandparent. This is despicable behavior which is all tied to how the ex treated them while trying to alienate them from the former spouse.
Women who fail at relationships and destroy marriages don't want anyone, especially a man, to have a successful one with anyone.
Stay strong gentlemen.
If you are reading divorce websites or facing a potential divorce situation, you probably have an unfulfilled sex life. The frustration of this is amplified if you are paying for your wife's life. Are you the main bread winner? Is your soon to be ex wife using sex to manipulate you mentally because that is the only weapon she has to show her power? No matter the reason, your poor sexual relationship is going to be a big reason why you are about to divorce.
Couples with good sex lives rarely end up in divorce court. You can have very little in common but if you can fulfill each others sexual needs, you will treat each other better and work together in other areas where you may not have so much in common. It is a chicken and egg kind of thing but no matter how you analyze it, if the sex is good, then you are not likely to divorce. If your sex life has gone away ask yourself why are you still in your marriage. If it isn't for health reasons or you or your partner have a physical issue which challenges your commitment, then why would any man stay in a relationship where sex is non existent or a chore for a woman who stopped respecting you long ago. As the sex goes away, your current and likely overall feelings for your spouse come to the surface. You cannot stay in a living arrangement with such a person. Women control sex and if you are staying in a marriage with a person who controls sex to control you, the resentment will only build and it is going to end badly. If that is you, it is time to end your marriage and the sooner you do it the less damage their will be and the sooner you can rebuild. Your self respect has more value than any beautiful woman who used to have sex with you because she had an agenda. With rare exception this cannot be fixed and you do not want to be that guy who is paying the majority of the household bills while you age and watch porn to get your sexual needs met and your wife is laughing at you while she gets he needs met elsewhere waiting for you to die so she can collect insurance or keep all the marital assets. If your wife wants sex outside of marriage, she is likely to be able to get it easier then you no matter how high value of a man you are. You do not want to be the man who did nothing and ends up dying a slow death while you are aware of who is going to get everything you worked for. Giving up half sucks but giving up all of it because you didnt take action is a hard pill to swallow when you are sick and old and wasted years of your life out of fear.
As you face this situation, ask yourself what you are going to miss when you split from your wife. Your wife may still be attractive and you love seeing her naked, but if you cant get physical fulfillment from her presence, why are you there? Would you keep a Ferrari in your garage that has no engine or you cannot figure out or afford to fix and keep running. That is pure idiocy. That is what you are doing while the resentment continues to grow and you stay married.
This was the situation I faced in my marriage. When I met my wife, I could not believe my luck to marry someone who was physically my ideal woman. It made the things we didn't have in common easier to manage. If you are able to marry someone who you are genuinely physically attracted to, that is very rare and you will learn how much that matters when it goes away or if you never had it and got married to someone because you thought you had all these things in common. Looking at her with clothes on or off was something that motivated me to be as high value a man as possible. Whether the sex was good didn't matter and I wont discuss that in depth here. Even if she was horrible at it, she was beautiful and sexy beyond belief. If there was some physical interaction, I was not going to blow up my marriage no matter how one sided the contributions were day to day. I was bargaining with myself in world full of negativity when it comes to marriage and family. However, as she began to disappear physically, the type of person she was become more obvious. We as men will hide our feelings on what type of person our wife is if we are sexually satisfied even on a basic level. When the sex goes away, you see everything you hate about your wife and the way she has devalued you is right in your face. Why do you stay married to her no matter how good looking she is? Men need to be taught to walk away from beauty as quick as we might be drawn to it when we are younger.
When you choose to leave, what will you miss? I am guessing you will miss the physical aspect of her even if that is something you no longer see. You wont miss who she is and how poorly she treats you. You wont miss her lies and lack of contribution to the marriage. Over time as you no longer see her, you wont miss her physically as much as you do while you are at home with her every day and she rejects you physically. The dating world is not fun especially as you age, but no matter how attractive your wife is physically, it does you no good to stick around and miss something you have to see every day. Once she is no longer in your presence physically you can rebuild your life. Every day that you see her with all the lust you felt when you were together physically on a regular basis, is a day that part of you thinks you can get back what you once had. You cant. If she does not want to be with you physically on a regular basis, her mind has moved on and she has likely got a boyfriend on the side. She will be a pro at hiding it from you and your mindset is not going to believe the perfect appearing soccer mom you are married to would be unfaithful no matter how much you provide and how little you interfere with her day to day life. She is and has been for a long time. If she does not want your attention, she is getting it from someone. Women are attention starved and need constant affirmation from someone they like or just to feed their ego. You aren't fixing it guys. Its time to move on. I knew as much as I hated walking away from someone who I basically saw as physically perfect no matter how much she aged or how much weight she gained, I knew that it would hurt less once I left. I could not stand being around someone who was not welcoming to me sexually and who from her actions made it clear she was probably cheating and getting her sexual gratification elsewhere. Its pure torture and she knows it. It is one thing to know someone who is a part of your life is unfaithful or who has shut you out sexually, but it is a lot worse if you have to see the person and continue to provide for their lifestyle.
When you leave your wife, you aren't going to miss the person she is. You have too much hate and resentment for how she treated you. You will miss the sex you no longer have. You will miss looking at her. If you are no longer attracted to her yet she wants to give you sex, that is another conversation and you must reflect on the commitment you made to her if she is trying to fulfill her duties as wife. That situation may be just as tough but it is where your character is tested. A woman who uses sex as a weapon is not worthy of your character or respect no matter how beautiful she is or how many kids you have together. If you are attracted to her and she has shut you out, you are a loser if you stay and she will continue to ridicule you.
I made a very tough decision to leave my wife. I had two young kids at the time. I was not going to sit around and continue to work hard and bring in the money while she did nothing other than look good. She wasn't leaving as long as she could stay at home and live on the computer if I paid the bills and left her alone. I didn't want sympathy sex so I didn't bother her. She was living the life she wanted at the time. She may have looked like a Ferrari but she was either broken and would not perform or she fixed it and allowed other men to use it. Would you pay for a car you cant drive yet you know other men were driving it? No man should live like that. When I left I didn't miss her the person. I realized that what mattered was a physical connection and sure I missed looking at her and the physical interaction we had but it wasn't what there any longer so why stay. When this exists you will find a way to like each other more and make each other better which makes you both better partners.
As you decide what to do about your marriage, ask yourself how you are engaging sexually with your wife. If you have little to no sexual interaction, your marriage is over. Don't stay thinking you can fix it. You cant no matter how attracted you are to her and no matter how good you are at sex. She has moved on and the trick now is trying to find her boyfriend so you can avoid alimony. As hard as it was to leave my marriage, it was the right thing to do and I waited too long. I don't have to speak to or see someone who I found to be as physically attractive as much on the last day I saw her as the first. It gets better over time no matter how bad the dating world has gotten especially for men as they age. If you don't leave, you will put yourself in an early grave by sticking around and being mentally abused. She may ultimately leave you but she will only do it on her own terms when she has someone new lined up. In the meantime, she is going to live a separate life, get her sexual needs me secretly, all while she makes fun of you for paying for her life.
The Red Devil