As you read through this website and some of the initial blog posts, you might think this is just another women hating site by a man or group of men who hate women, or just want to insult women because they were wronged in a relationship or divorce court. While there are and will be in the future many negative things being said in terms of female behavior, what is said is designed to educate men about female behavior, get them to think about how to prepare for a relationship, and anticipate things the uneducated learn only after it is too late. The love of life and the enjoyment of women should never go away no matter what age you are or what information or horrendous marriage or family court stories you might read about on this blog.
Let me Explain.
When a young man experiences bad luck with women that puts him on a path of inferiority or has a horrible marriage where the woman was everything bad you can think of, one of the ways they deal with it is to completely isolate themselves from women and essentially give up trying to interact with them. Many of these men subscribe to what is called in the manosphere MGTOW or Men Going Their Own Way. Depending on who you talk to, these groups can be men who for whatever reason simply wont interact with a woman for any reason to those that will only interact if they want sex and if it is given to them without the man having to do anything to win the woman's favor. No matter how you define it, MGTOW is a group where women are completely cast aside or to be used and discarded via deceptive tactics. Not cool.
MGTOW is dangerous and a big problem for young men and an excuse and embarrassment for older, never married, or divorced men. This mindset has caused less marriages and less children in western society. In worst cases, this mindset enables addictions that are not healthy and lead to real mental or physical illness. I tell men I coach that no matter how bad things are do not fall into a group or lifestyle that makes the enjoyment of women as a non factor in your life. This does not mean you should be in a relationship constantly, allow women to use or control you, or be completely unaware of the nature of women as long as you can get laid on occasion. Eliminating women from your life is like giving up good food, travel, or owning a sports car because if gives you headaches on occasion.
Men who consider this lifestyle often fall into one of two categories of men. The first one is the younger man who may not be that good looking or does not know how to talk to women. He sees men his own age get beautiful girls with little to no effort for various reasons and the jealousy is off the charts. They continue to try harder, maybe date a little bit, get cheated on, and always end up alone and frustrated. By the time they are 30, they feel everything from their love life to their job to their money situation is failing or behind where they want it to be. The anger and depression leads to hanging out with other depressed dudes playing video games and smoking pot. After awhile they join this he man women haters club where they vow never to get married and live a life of isolation never trying to have a family. They think they have solved their woman problem through abandonment and convince themselves they are happy and will be forever.
This way of dealing with the issues of life as it relates to women and relationships leads to a life of ongoing disappointment and gluttony. If you say that isn't me, I am good looking and successful, its just that women are so bad I am going to stay alone and lift weights and be this awesome dude, then you are truly pathetic. If you do have the advantage of looks and money and still take the MGTOW approach because your cheerleader girlfriend broke up with you for some older dude, then you are an even bigger idiot than the guy who legitimately struggles to meet and date women because of their hypergamous nature. You are only young once guys and if you do not try to interact with women when you are young, it will only be worse when you are older. You do not want to be that 40-50 year old childless man who never got to experience some of the main joys in life because you decided you just werent going to interact with women any longer after some early set backs that could easily be handled with the proper education. That type of life choice and the depression that follows with age is something even a brilliant person like me often cannot help a man recover from and enjoy what life he has left.
As bad as this MGTOW approach is for younger men, it can be just as bad for older men. The men who take up this lifestyle when they are older loved trying to meet women when they were younger. They are usually are coming out of a bad divorce and got the worst end of the finances and custody. Such an event is traumatic, life changing, and makes even a normal man want to ride off in the sunset and never talk to anyone again much less a woman. I get it and I struggle with it. However, this mindset has to be overcome and often requires more positivity from other men rather then the negative reinforcement that seems to be the world today. Men love to see other men fail. They love to laugh and men who got reamed in divorce court. Some of these men are probably your friends and the type of guys to invite you to the next MGTOW meeting. Get away from these dudes.
Getting old sucks. Its harder to stay in shape and be desirable to women. It is also a time where if you handle yourself right, you can be your most attractive to women and have options in terms of their company. Most older men who take the MGTOW mindset have let their looks go, get fat, drink too much, and talk about being alone or going on a fishing trip with other women hating men, these same men who secretly get joy at seeing your misery. If you think this life is great, just watch Married With Children and the old No Ma'am scenes with Al Bundy and his loser friends sitting in their basements just railing on women and offering no appeal to them. This was some of the funniest stuff on TV at the time but 25-30 years later when I am now that age, its not funny at all. You don't want to be that guy. You need to stay in the game as long as you can and it can be enjoyed if you change your mindset and understand what women are. It also takes work to stay mentally and physically strong.
No one has gone through a worse divorce than I have. By the time I am done writing this blog, you will think that no one has a worse attitude towards women than I do. While that may be true on some level, I will never stop trying to meet women and enjoying their company. Life is short and the world is filled with women of all ages, personalities, and some of them can be great company. Despite my hate and anger towards many things, I do not allow this to shape how I behave or appear. I don't walk around bashing women in the presence of other women. I don't talk about my divorce or child custody experience unless I am asked about it by someone who is seriously mature or has been through something similar. Occasionally you meet women who are actually caring and sensitive while providing other benefits for you. They can bring occasional joy and perspective. These positive interactions with women are not achieved without first meeting other women who are absolutely horrible people who only think of themselves and aren't worth your time no matter how big her breasts are or how much she smiles at you like you are the best man ever. These interactions are no different than knowing dudes socially or in the business world. Its part of life. You weed out the bad easier when you understand what you are dealing with and why people behave the way they do.
What men need to understand is how to deal with women and enjoy them, not avoid them. You want to avoid any human that is bad and some show their stripes quicker than others, but you don't want to just say I am not going to deal with any women no matter what justifying a decision with whatever makes you feel best. Women are to be enjoyed and as a man you should always have your eyes and ears open for the good ones that appear. It does not mean you will get married again. It means you enjoy what the world has to offer on your terms, not hers. If you get educated when you are young, which is the goal of this website, then you can enjoy a life filed with experiences involving women. These experiences might include divorce or other lies and betrayal, but you cant not live life.
If you are reading this you have probably been through something bad or lack some confidence that can easily be fixed. You may even have hate in your heart. Whatever you do avoid the negativity of others which are often the frame of groups like MGTOW and seek your own path which should always include the enjoyment of women on your terms. If Men United can help you understand this mindset, get in touch with us.
When you get divorced or become involved in a huge child custody battle, even a mentally strong person can get lost in the process and do things they later regret or that becomes detrimental to their health. One of the biggest mistakes any divorced man can make is to put himself on anti depressants.
More so than men, women can be on anti depressants with little to no effect on their behavior. This is the case because most women are mentally ill, borderline personalities, emotionally dead, and unable to control their own behavior. Their goal in relationships is to love opportunistically while making fun of the mans idealistic beliefs when it comes to relationships and marriage. They have no ability to deal with day to day problems and if things get bad, they run to the doctor and get put on anti depressants. These drugs destroy what little humanity they have and if you marry one of these borderline women, not only is she going to destroy you emotionally, the belief in the need for anti depressants will get passed on to your kids and you will soon think they might help you. Medical professionals encourage and promote the use of psychedelic drugs because they simply don't want to deal with your issues. Its pacify, prescribe, and profit.
Let me give you a little background to help you understand how anti depressants can destroy your life. Imagine you are Captain Save a Hoe and you meet a gorgeous woman who is a little weird and when you get her background you know she isn't telling you the whole story. Her lies are obvious but not significant enough to keep you from trying to wife her up because her beauty, your shallowness, and your desire for kids and a family is slowly approaching a realistic deadline before you become a middle aged Uncle Creepy walking around in Affliction shirts. One thing you do find out about this woman is that she is on anti depressants. Was she molested, raped, beaten, or had some other life trauma that might justify the need for these drugs(and yes there are rare situations where anti depressants are needed)? You didn't get the indication that was the case. She was just sad from her lack of career, bad prior relationship, or just the genes of crazy. Her family doctor gladly referred her to a Pull Pusher with an M.D. who writes prescriptions like he was selling Girl Scout Cookies outside a Safeway or Harris Teeter. They made her life only "rainbows" and "butterflies" and any of life's difficulties were ignored or pushed onto her new man who was going to take the burden of two lives while being an earner, a father, and an all around great beta guy who wanted his beautiful wife happy. The things men will do for a beautiful woman and or kids is off the charts and women know this. Part of a mans educational process is to eliminate this mindset but it is still very much a part of who we are.
Fast forward a few years where it becomes clear you married a horrible woman and she is destroying you emotionally and you are going to get divorced. The process is going to be brutal and in addition to trying save your assets and get equal access to your kids, you have to survive mentally and find yourself. You are lost. She isn't. She's getting the house and the kids and you are the one leaving whether it be by choice or not. Your life will change. Her life only changes in that you are no longer in the house. She's not done with you either. She's going to use her kids to destroy you emotionally by damaging them because she wants you to be as miserable as she is and on the same medications she is on.
Once the divorce takes place, blame needs to be placed by these type of women. If you didn't beat her, managed the money right, and didn't have another woman lined up to cause you to leave, what is she going to tell her friends and family? How does she gain sympathy and play victim? She will return to her Pill Pusher for drugs for her depression from the shock divorce she forced and secretly wanted. She starts bringing her kids to a counselor "because of the divorce". The counselor grins ear to ear as she bills someone to ask their kids how their day is after spending 45 minutes of the hour session talking to the mom about her issues. The court will probably make you pay for it even though the kids say they don't need it because despite leaving their mom, you didn't leave them and are a great dad who talks to his kids. The wife does not confront problems, she passes them on to others and acts like a child herself so she can get help on how to parent or deal with her own mental issues while claiming this help is for the kids. This counseling will go on for years because its how these women handle difficulty.
She then might up the ante if you aren't breaking down mentally. She will openly solicit another mental health professional to get your kid diagnosed with ADHD or some other vague mental disorder that is only designed to destroy the kids self esteem. The kid is separated from classmates and given extra time to do school work. The label is there and the child loses self esteem, maybe gets suicidal thoughts, or harms themselves because of the devaluation. The mom then takes the kid to the pill pusher and puts the kid on Zoloft or some other drug to level off the behavior. They need someone to blame for their kids problems. Your child is now a zombie whose brain and self esteem is being destroyed by the mom because she hates herself, now hates you, and will destroy your kid out of revenge or simply because the mom is mentally damaged and does not know how to parent. Your kid is now on a train filled with medication that she cannot get off of and if any issues exist in school the medication is upped and she becomes her mother never having a chance to grow into the great kid you knew she could be. The court isn't going to help you. Its a vicious circle of child abuse encouraged by a mentally damaged parent and ignored by Judges in the family court system. If mom hires a doctor to say your kid needs medication or is a slow learner because they struggle in math, no judge is going to order mom not to put the kid on medication. These pill pushers make so much money they would give Xanax to your newborn baby if you asked them to do it.
While you spiral out of control dealing with all of this, you can easily end up doing what many men do. They get on the same antidepressants which can have all sorts of side effects like weight gain, porn addiction, and an overall state of sloth that makes you unattractive to women. Remember you removed the woman from your life. She's gone . You now need to find yourself. You now see that you were the one that made the changes for the woman while she made little to no change for you. You have a life to live. You aren't dead. You need to be at your strongest.
Before you consider any type of medication to help you deal with all the negativity that comes with divorce, remove all the assholes from your life. The wife was the first one. Remove the rest. Completion of this task should eliminate any need you have for anti depressants. If you still feel sad, call your life coach. Call your most trusted friend. Work on yourself. Do whatever you need to do to better yourself so as time passes and you heal, you are ready to meet new women with confidence. Anti depressants should have no part in your life and do not let anyone. even a pill pushe, tell you they are needed. The men that come through the divorce and get their life back are the ones that fight the negativity through positive action. It is not easy but don't be the guy who gets fat, gets drunk, and turns into the biggest jerk because you cant deal with issues. She's gone.
No matter how your divorce turns out financially, you win the divorce war by being even better than you were while you were married. Let the wife be on the medication. Let the wife mentally abuse her kids and destroy their self esteem. You do the opposite for them. Do all you can to keep them off the medication mom wants them on. Do all you can to make them successful in school. Spend the money to make the biased Judge tell you your kids need special help in school or even deprive them out of educational opportunities. Encourage your kids. Be the Alpha male and not the Beta male you were while you were married. Your kids will see it and respect you as a father. They may even decide they want to live with you and not the mom who acts like she has it all together when really she does not and is a mess trying to keep her lies and deceptions straight.
If you are heading down this path of thinking about medication or anti depressants, pick up the phone and call Men United. Life is better without these drugs.
A man who gets married and who does not have children with the woman he marries is an absolute fool. There is no other reason to marry and a good argument can be made that the desire for children is still not enough reason to marry.
Depending on your age, you likely had parents who didn't divorce and had a somewhat positive family life. Your family may not have had a lot of money but the happiest people were usually the adults who were married and the kids from homes that were not broken. Whether the non monogamous nature of women was not so out in the open or people just valued families even though they were not happy, people weren't as likely to divorce.
Times have changed.
The reasons why the divorce rate has increased is for another post, but the times are what they are and the financial rewards in a divorce are far more advantageous for a woman. Women today are far smarter in the ways of divorce than our parents were. Their mindset is now self preservation not family preservation. They have educated themselves on the benefits of divorce and they choose their partners in part by how the man will likely be forced to provide those benefits when she is ready for the marriage to end. Therefore men have to be careful and not just marry because they think they are in love and want affection from a woman in a family unit. The way the woman feels about you when she marries you will change drastically over time or after she has kids. The confidence of the divorce safety net will cause a woman to want to have sex with a bunch of different men as she ages and you will discover you were not special, you were just the guy she found could be the best for her monetarily to give her that confidence. If she has kids with you, she liked your genetics. At some point you realize she is not yours, it was just your turn.
The dilemma is what most men face in that we want kids and will likely marry even if we have educated ourselves on the nature of women. Its natural. You want it in a family environment. If you don't want kids and you get married you are an idiot. If you have been married, had kids, and divorced, then you are a fool to remarry if you aren't going to have any more kids. Over time, our cultures belief system will move into one where kids without marriage is the norm. This is not good for the long term viability of a society. Until then, as a man you have to prepare yourself for the changes that occur in women that come with age, the changes of their bodies, and their hypergamous nature. She is going to divorce you or make your life so miserable that you will divorce her. A mans desire for a family outweighs all this negativity.
Young men need to educate themselves so they can take the steps to marry and have a family. These steps can minimize the damage that he is going to face when his wife decides she's ready for other men and you have evolved into just a wallet. Understanding female nature helps you decide to get married and have a family and makes the failure of your marriage(you can have a failed marriage and not get divorced) easier to accept. Ignoring reality or failing to educate and prepare yourself makes your divorce and custody issues beyond heartwrenching.
Men United can provide the lessons you need so you can prepare for marriage, have a family, and navigate the waters of the eventual divorce that is coming with minimal financial damage while maximizing the access to your kids.
For all the heartache and anger that has built up inside you as the realization of your situation sets in, when the day arrives that you are no longer living with your wife, while you will likely feel some sense of relief and joy, you are now in a vulnerable place where your behavior will be scrutinized and your mental health must be addressed. This is a time where you can begin improving yourself as a man or make your situation worse.
With the added free time you have as a single man, it is important to keep your confidence and desirability at its maximum. You want to maintain and grow your strengths while not allowing your weakness to overcome you. For example, if you are a physical fitness nut, you want to keep on that path. If you have had issues with your weight and it is a constant battle to keep from getting too fat, you do not want to give up and just eat yourself into oblivion. The goal in the initial stages of divorce is not to compound the problems that come with divorce while also not making mistakes that will live with you for the immediate or long term future.
Here are 10 simple tips that men must follow so the divorce experience is not made worse while also allowing you for personal and spiritual growth as time begins to heal you.
1. Avoid all alcohol. While having a drink on occasion is not going to make a difference, you do not want to increase your alcohol intake to help you deal with your problems. If you are already a drinker, and you know who you are, do everything you can to cut it out of your life or at the very least reduce it to a minimum. Alcohol can increase negative emotions and behavior and the last thing you want to do is get a DWI or a physical confrontation. Get rid of it. Don't smoke pot either thinking it is good for your mental state and it ok because you don't drink.
2. No dating and stay off the damn online dating sites. A man who gets divorced either thinks that he will experience a whole new joy from dating or he will date to prove he is still a man. If you are still separated and not divorced and you think signing up for all these sites to meet women is going to be great, the reality of it is they are not. That does not mean you aren't going to meet women or be single the rest of your life but you dont need to be making decisions regarding your emotions or your sexual health. The reality is that most of the women on them are broken, crazy, or just flat selfish. You just got divorced because you wanted away from that. Jumping back in to the dating game is not likely to be successful and trying to put notches on your belt is just reckless and empty. While you could meet a nice woman randomly and a good social interaction can be a nice distraction, be very careful about it and let it be through a friend or family member rather than swiping left or right five minutes after you leave your marital home. Don't actively seek to date for at least a year after you separate and preferably not until your divorce is finalized. You need time alone and to gather yourself. Nobody wants to see "separated" on a dating profile. Quality women will appreciate that you went through the process before you got back in the game. You will also have so many women available to you that mistakes will likely be made when you are still in the fog of initial separation. You do not want to get a STD or have a unwanted pregnancy. You also don't want to reek of a desperation. Spend time with yourself. The women will find you.
3. Reevaluate all of your other relationships. If you had friends as a married couple with people you met after your marriage, or made new friendships after you were married that are tied to your wife or activities you did with her, ask yourself if you need them in your life. While most of them will pick a side, even if they lean toward you, get rid of all the negativity or reminders of your past. Hopefully you are a man that had friends before you were married. You should solidify those relationships and stop speaking to all of your friends that were there only because you were married. It might hurt because you have time invested but with rare exception you really don't need these people in your life.
4. No Contact With Ex Wife- Once you have made the decision to divorce you cannot stay friends with your ex wife. I have never understood a man who talks to a woman who said she cant be married to him and then takes atleast half his assets. He is mowing her lawn and meeting for lunch like they are friends. Idiots. If you divorce her she isn't going to be your friend or talk to you while likely using all opportunity to sabotage you or pass on gossip. Her motives aren't genuine. You cant call her, ask her for any thing, or do anything to help her. Its rare there is total honesty and honorable behavior in the lead up to a divorce otherwise there would not have been a divorce. Get away from that person. Don't try to get back with her. If you want to be divorced act like a divorced person. Stay away. How to do this when there are kids involved is for another post.
5. Do not abandon or ruin your employment. Whether you work for yourself or a company, you need to do all you can to keep your business going or to keep yourself seen as a valued team member. People you work with likely know your situation. If there are slight problems with your behavior or productivity, you could lose your business or job which simply cannot happen when you are in the initial stages of divorce. There may be time later to move away or take new risks related to your employment, but that your stability after a divorce is often your job. It is vital this stability stays in place.
6. Increase your Physical Activity. Extremes in anything are not usually good but immediately after a divorce they can be devastating. You don't want to start trying to date every woman that moves and you don't want to start lifting tons of weights because you think you need to be in great shape to be desirable. That being said, you cannot just sit on your couch. Whatever level your fitness, try to do a little bit more. If you are sedentary start walking regularly. If you exercise regularly, try to add some things to mix up your regimen. It is easy to lose what makes you strong and your physical well being is as important as your mental health.
7. Watch your behavior around others. There is going to be so much anger and resentment as you face the divorce process. This can turn a nice guy into a mean person or a positive person into a negative person quickly. Its unrealistic to not have some personality change early on in the process but you need to do your best to watch how you act. Your friends don't want to hear about your situation regularly and if you socialize with them they don't want to hear about how much you hate your ex. Try to be as happy as you can and place yourself and social environments where you wont be prone to bad behavior(bars or clubs) and focus on places that make you count your blessings(church or charitable causes). Think about how others see you as you go through each part of your day.
8. Don't talk about your ex in front of your kids. This is probably the most difficult thing a man has to face. Women usually get the majority of the custody of kids and a vastly unfair distribution of the assets relative to the money earned and have an innate ability to act like nothing happened. They are the cats that got the canary and think no one notices because they are emotionless. They hit the lottery and secretly get off watching the man squirm and suffer. It becomes so easy to put such an unemotional person on blast in front of everyone including your kids. You have to do all you can not to do this in front of your kids. It will effect them. I remember the first time I was allowed to see my kids after I left my wife and my 4 year old daughter gets in the car and instead of a hi dad I miss you, she just blurts out "daddy is going to lose all his money". I cant say my response was appropriate. I have struggled since that day not to bash my ex wife in front my kids. You have to do all you can to keep your negative emotions from coming out in front of your kids. They will be suffering enough.
9. Watch your finances carefully. Whether you like it or not, divorce, especially with kids, causes your lifestyle to go down. Disposable income is not going to be there like it was before. Buying things can be therapeutic and vacations can be great. It is easy to buy big ticket items or go on vacations because it makes you feel good even in the moment. Once you sort out your child support obligations and how much you have left after the divorce, you can adjust but until then do things that cost less money and buy little things if you need joy in the moment.
10. Get a mentor or life coach. Every man needs a mentor. A man who has life experience can be invaluable to someone who is younger or going through a tough divorce. Your friends will listen but its the rare male friend who can give good and honest advice based on experience. You also dont want to be that dude calling women you know to talk about your bad marriage. If you don't have a mentor that you can rely on, the life coach can make things much better once you get past whatever apprehension you have about using one. There are so many men that after the fact of divorce who talk about how they wish they had someone to talk to who understood their situation and could give real life advice through the tough stages. The money they would have spent to get the coaching and emotional support would have been saved with better decision making following some good advice. Any man who has been through the divorce machine can look back on the financial errors and the emotional trauma he suffered because he suffered alone. Mental health professionals certainly have their place, but it is the rare one that has real training and life experience that can make a difference. The life coach who has been where you are is likely better and cheaper than the psychologist your family doctor will refer you to see.
Your reputation is everything in this life. Top notch men maintain who they are through the toughest of times and while the system is not set up to make you feel like divorce is this great thing for your wallet and your family relationships, if you are forced to be a part of the process, make sure you behave the best you can and keep your mental and physical situation as good or better when you started. You will be a better man because of it.
North Carolina is a great place. The weather is relatively nice with no real extremes for any length of time. You can visit the mountains and the coast. The Charlotte and Triangle areas are filled with great schools and business opportunities. The people are a good mix of natives and transplants from all over the country(and other countries as well). North Carolina is still the South however with deep religious and family oriented beliefs. Many of our laws were made and still exist based on these beliefs that sadly have disappeared in too many places in our country. The necessity of some of these laws are often questioned as modern society evolves into one where what family means has drastically changed and divorce and the bad behavior that comes with it becomes more accepted.
If you have a car accident you will likely deal with the issue of Contributory Negligence. North Carolina is one of the few States that still has that doctrine and significant work has been done to try and eliminate it in our State with no luck. If you are in the Family Law arena, you are going be more concerned with the doctrine of Alienation of Affection and how it might play into the end of your relationship. We are one of the few States that has this doctrine as well. Whether you agree with it or not you need to be aware of how it might apply to your behavior or your spouses during your marriage with such behavior possibly adding an extra twist to the financial aspect of your divorce. Adultery, Alimony, and Alienation of Affection can all be tied together with extreme financial ramification for you, your spouse, and even the third party who may have caused your marriage to end.
You don't need to be an expert on family law or human behavior to know that adultery can destroy and is a big reason why marriages come to an end. You can have an opinion on why cheating exists but if you believe your spouse is cheating on you, there are steps you need to take to find out about it before you drop any hint of divorce or separation to your spouse. Getting real proof of infidelity can save you money or give you a potential claim against the party involved with your spouse.
If you are the bread winner for your family and have been married for any length of time, if your spouse has not worked outside the home since the marriage and has become accustomed to a certain lifestyle she cannot create on her own, Alimony is an option for the Judge. Alimony is designed to help get the dependent spouse back on track financially because he or she has to get back into the work force, or the marriage was for so long that he or she become accustomed to a certain way of life that even if she got a job, she would not be living as well as you do. The reality is that in most cases it is the man that is paying the woman alimony. Its a big kick in the face to have to split up with someone, often through no fault or no choice of your own, and on top of the property settlement and child support, you will be ordered to pay monthly alimony for a period of time on top of that which is determined by various factors but is basically at the whim of a Judge who could add a bit extra to the award because your attitude is bad. In some states, if you are married for a certain length of time, alimony can be for life even when there are no kids. North Carolina law allows for alimony and while lawyers will tell you that the time frame for alimony is determined based on the length of the marriage, unlike child support, it is a wild card where the Judge has real leeway on what he or she can order.
I have seen a Judge award years of alimony to a college educated woman who was about 40 years old and could get a job selling ice to eskimos with ease because of her looks and personality. Employment would not be hard for her to obtain. The husband was mad because in addition to the alimony he had to pay, the Judge did not order any amount of income to be allocated to the wife when child support was calculated so basically the wife didn't have to work for years, took her time to retrain for a new job while living a life of leisure, and got alimony on top of it. As bad as this may sound, the ordered amount for alimony could have been worse for that guy as there are men that get forced to pay years of alimony in significant monthly amounts.
The validity and purpose of alimony aside, if you can avoid paying it you want to do so if you can. If you are the spouse who is likely to be the one to be stuck paying it, the way to eliminate it is to catch your spouse cheating. If you think your wife wouldn't cheat on you because you are awesome in and out of the bedroom, you are walking through life with blinders on. Factor in that women are also much better than men at hiding their transgressions and you have many marriages where the husband was the only one who didn't know the wife was cheating. If your wife is not happy with you, she will cheat and assuming she wont because she acts like Susie homemaker or is not into sex with you any longer is just naïve. Finding out after the fact or years later does you little to no good because you have paid or agreed to pay her already. You need to look for the signs of your spouse cheating and document it once the option of divorce is on the table. This could be her hiding or guarding her phone like its her most prized possession. There are more "girls night" dates. She has a new hobby or activity that places her around men like working at a gym or tanning salon. I could make a list of the signs. Get documentation she cheated on you and her alimony option goes away. Talk to your lawyer about what to look for to see if your spouse might be cheating and the economics and legal requirements of how to prove it. Awareness as a man is vital and preparation early on is how you win this battle or atleast give you the piece of mind that maybe your spouse was honorable atleast in that area even if she did not want to be with you any longer.
Whenever infidelity exits in a marriage in North Carolina, the doctrine of Alienation of Affection can be in play. This is where you as the spouse who was cheated on, can sue the person who caused your spouse to cheat on you with them. Its the ultimate revenge but its a law when created to discourage families from breaking up. We have had huge financial sums awarded in North Carolina against people who someone like your spouse may have cheated with. This doctrine is not so simple that you can sue anyone who may have had an affair with your spouse. There are specific factors which must be proven to show that a person came into your close to perfect marriage and persuaded your spouse to cheat causing a good marriage to end. Talk to your lawyer about what is required to be proven but understand that if you are involved in infidelity, it can cost you, your spouse, or even someone who helped break up your solid marriage.
Tread carefully and aggressively gentlemen. Don't let your wife get away with cheating if alimony for her is an option and don't be so stupid to do things with married women which could cause your ass to get sued.
I remember it like yesterday. I had to go out of town to take care of a client so I was scrambling to get ready for work and get on the road. I was getting dressed in the closet where all my clothes were folded and hung on one side and on the wife's side it was its usual pile of her dirty clothes and things shoved into the corner like a big pile of laundry and unwanted but expensive swap meet items. It did not get much better as after getting dressed, I walked into the bedroom to see clothes on her side on the floor and a shelf covered with stuff. I walked through the kitchen toward the dining room where we had never actually dined. Her mothers nice dining room table was covered, and I mean covered, with books, paper, book bags, and other miscellaneous crap. It looked like a Junior High School students locker turned inside out. It had been like that since she had moved into my home so I had gotten used to it.
I was in a bit of a rush and had my socks on but no shoes. I walked in to the dining room for reasons I forget other than God pointing my male beta ass in that direction. Suddenly I stepped on a paper napkin that was on the floor and my feet fell out from under me in a way that would have even Charlie Brown on a football field laughing. I didn't have time to be mad as I was late for where I needed to be that morning. I thought back on all the times I had asked why my perfectly clean house has turned into a pig sty since she moved in and my requests for her to clean it fell on deaf ears. I was a neat freak and always cleaned my mess and more than did my share of the housework. I understood her position however. Stay at home moms who birthed children were too busy for such trivial nuisances as a clean house no matter how hard her husband worked. I also was not forceful as I wanted to be about just like most issues in our marriage. I was not going to create an argument when I had a drop dead gorgeous wife who had birthed me two beautiful and healthy children and I was hoping for a third. I knew that desire of mine was seen by her as a burden and not a joy despite all the economic advantages in the world which allowed her to be at home with her children watching them grow and bonding with them in ways working moms cannot. In marriage, too many men choose their battles based on their desires and confidence levels. The wrong mindset ingrained in to you by controlling women, the feminist agenda, and your own insecurities can take a man who is strong and dominating in every aspect of his life and turn him into a blue piled bitch that only shows itself more as he ages. That issue is for another post.
Back to the story.....
Being flat on my back staring at a room with nothing but a disarray all around me, the mess didn't matter any longer as I had made it known awhile back to the wife I wanted a divorce(another mistake that will be discussed later) and having to live in a pig sty house would end once our fine lawyers sorted out a separation agreement which did not seem to be progressing at all compounding my mistakes of telling the wife what I wanted before I had a physical exit plan in place(yet another mistake to be discussed later). I reached over and noticed a picnic basket near my face and opened it to put the napkin inside to atleast do something productive following my fall. As I opened the basket, my eyes did a double take. I saw a recording device that could be put on a person, in a bag, or anywhere to tape people or things etc without the person knowing. Real undercover shit. Finding it was pure luck and by the grace of God. I thought to myself, no way. There is no way my wife is taping our conversations. I am not a wife beater with a spouse who is beat up that no one believes so she is told to get proof to protect herself. It was early in the divorce process and I was still learning how things work and how people with marital issues and their lawyers are some of the nastiest most dishonest people in the world. It did not immediately register with me what was going on and why she did it but it is important for anyone about to go through the divorce process to understand. Your wife is not going to be anything like the woman you married or worse she will show you that you did not marry the person you thought you were marrying. When I discovered this device, my head was already spinning from the loss of the woman I loved, the difficulty of running a business day to day, the uncertainty of my kids future, and the overall feeling of failure that I wanted to fix but couldnt. Reality is a bitch in more ways than one.
Anyways, I picked up the device and started listening to it. It was months of taped conversations with me and my wife, me and my daughters, and me alone in my room. For some reason she thought it would be to her benefit to see if she could get me to say or do something that would give her an edge in the divorce, deprive me of fair time with my daughters, or to lay the groundwork for the infamous Divorce by Bed and Board. This is basically where one spouse can force the other spouse out of the marital home due to physical violence, threats, or some other bs reason when the two parties want to divorce but neither one will leave the marital home. This was probably even tougher for her to do when the house was mine and her name was not on the deed. I had no clue what that was at the time and all I knew was that I was being taped in my home by my wife with no justification. For all the things that lead to divorce, there was never any violence or threats of it. There was nothing to where my kids were threatened or uncomfortable. In fact it was the opposite. My wife and I never fought. I complimented and encouraged her incessantly. I didn't stalk or follow her around when she left the house. None of that mattered, she was going to play dirty and I needed to respond accordingly or watch my character get destroyed. Is the importance of the right lawyer sinking in yet?
As I listened to the conversations and recording on that device, I had my red pill moment and suddenly I knew what I was facing and that no matter how well you treat someone, they will do anything to gain an advantage over you in a divorce. While you may think this behavior helps you in the short term, it is short sighted and damaging to the kids you share with the person you want to destroy. As time passed I saw who I had married and what her motives were at various stages of knowing her. Since I was not her first husband she probably had been through this rodeo before and while her first divorce did not involve kids, she knew the game more than I did. I wasn't the know it all bad ass I thought I was. Could she have thought on her own to tape me for whatever reason? While possible, at the time I figured her lawyer told her to tape her husband in the home. She needed to "get the mood of the home" as she would later testify to at trial. If you can get him to threaten you or your children and have it on tape, you can get him out of the house. You can get him to receive less time with his kids. If you play your cards right and push his buttons, he could do something that would land him in jail or cause him to lose his professional licenses. Your daughters financial security does not matter, its about beating him in the divorce and making him look bad. Who cares if he's the father of your kids and is an overall good guy who has in 10 years of knowing you done nothing to give you a reason to tape him in his own home. If you are telling me as your lawyer that you only want him to see his kids two days a month we need to be aggressive in destroying and provoking him. He's human and he's a big strong man with an ego. He can snap and that benefits you so here is what you do. The betrayal and outright dishonesty by a woman who you took care of and allowed to be a stay at home mother is beyond anything I dealt with in years of dating the most horrible type of women. This took the cake. I was no longer going to be the nice guy.
The point of this story is why she did it didn't matter. The hurt I felt didn't matter. I can whine and moan about how I was treated in my marriage and deceived during a divorce process including being taped, but ultimately I let it happen to myself due to my own mindset and lack of preparedness. Only my character and proper behavior prevented any damage despite my lack of awareness. Most men do better with awareness on their side as they are not usually so lucky as mistakes are made and actions taken in anger or without thought. No one wants to hear someone whine or complain. They want a solution and the tools to fight the battle. What did matter was this was my awakening. I knew I had to educate myself on things that I never thought I needed educating on in my life. I knew that for me to survive a divorce war, and it was now a war, I had to not only learn things, but that you need a lawyer who knows what the other side will try to do and can prepare you ahead of time to face them. This knowledge includes but is not limited to telling a client they might be taped in their house or anywhere by their spouse or certain things would be done to try and provoke violence resulting in loss of time with your kids or even your job. You and your lawyer need to learn everything about your enemy so you can get the best possible result.
Looking back and comparing my anger and hate towards someone I loved over such an action, I can now see that it was an instant blessing for me. There was nothing on that device that would hurt me in court or put me in a bad light. I am sure there were other recording devices that were never found but when I had my trial for kid custody, no recording was played of me. It was simply a desperate act by a desperate person because for all my faults, I was not an abusive husband and my wife lived in a home filled with respect and proper behavior.
With the discovery of the recording device, my mindset changed and any doubt I had about wanting a divorce and the guilt I felt of wanting to walk out on a beautiful family was gone. It instantly became about how do I fix the mistakes I have made so far in the divorce process, eliminating future mistakes, and turning my wife's bad act into something she was pay for in a way that might even affect her beyond the money payout she would receive later.
I put the recoding device in my pocket and made it disappear. I said nothing to her and continued on with my days like I had never found it. As the days passed I saw the panic in her eyes as she searched for it and couldn't find it. She opened and closed drawers and cabinets with such haste wondering where it went. She didn't ask me if I had seen it. I said nothing and from that day forward never spoke another word in her presence and never will again despite having two children with her.
This wakeup call had an immediate effect on me. As I stood up from the floor with the recording device in hand, I said a brief prayer in thanks and I got an additional bit of devine help in that very instant. Something or someone told me to look somewhere and I did what I was told immediately while trying to make sure I was still focused for a busy workday.
What I was able to discover elsewhere in the minutes after finding that recording device would sink my heart further but it also provided information that would help me in a custody battle that would go my way in a county where the standards for men and women to get equal custody are vastly different despite what the law says.
To Be Continued...….
I remember the day well. I had been delaying it for a couple of years. Something was wrong and I didn't want to deal with it. My attempts at direct communication and problem solving was met with indifference. I didn't quite understand why anyone would want to continue living in a loveless household even with beautiful children giving more love to their parents than either of us returned to each other.
At the time I didn't know that you cannot negotiate desire and if your wife does not admire you, your relationship is over and its just a matter of how you let it play out. Relationships often end and people continue to live together for years suffering in silence. They do this out of fear, insecurity, or often for the sake of the children. They never think of themselves or their own happiness. I had always put others before myself, but I knew I could not stay with someone where I was paying all the bills, doing all the yard work, and coming home to a dirty house even though the person I was married to didn't work. When I was not at work, friends and a computer were prioritized over time with me. Why this was the situation didn't matter. Married people can blame each other for why things turned out the way they did, but ultimately doing nothing would destroy me and probably my kids. The past cannot be changed but you can see the future and mine was ongoing devaluation and probably a heart attack because I knew things were not right.
I never thought I would call a lawyer for help with a domestic issue. Domestic lawyers were for people who weren't raised to treat others with respect or who didn't have God in their life. They were for people who cheated and lied to their spouses with such impunity that you couldn't rely on them to be a partner. They were for people who didn't take their marriage vows seriously. I wished it was that simple.
I wasn't sure who to call despite my vast network of professional people. I finally got the courage to do it and after a referral I made my way to the lawyers office. My first thought was of self hate as I entered the big brick building with new carpet and office furniture that smelled like it was just unwrapped and set down for my appearance. The indifferent secretary ushered me in to a lawyers office where he had more certificates on the wall from doing who knows what than I had baseball cards from the 70s in my moms basement. I soon learned that real money was going to start being drained from my pocket if I wanted to do anything to change my life. I would soon learn that as much as it would cost, it would cost me more the longer I waited.
I got a lesson in family law that day. The lawyer with his years of experience made it clear that I was going to lose most of what I had worked to save and how much it might cost. He told me how he would defend me. Yes I needed to be defended because I was a man who wanted equal custody of his kids and a fair disbursement of the marital assets. I learned that North Carolina was a no fault state which meant that no matter how my wife behaved, it did not change what she would get out of the marital assets. None of it made sense. I had done everything right. I had worked to build a business, pay off my school loans, was a great father, thought I was a great husband, and valued my family. Yet the person who brought nothing financially to the marriage was now going to own at least half of what I had saved and the years of school and building a business without pay before I married her literally had no value. It was a tough pill to swallow. It was going to get worse. My lack of knowledge about how things worked financially as it related to marriage was entirely my fault and I would pay for it.
My wife had never told me she wanted a divorce and her position was that she made a commitment and she was going to honor it. I asked the lawyer what he would advise my wife to do if he was representing her. He said something that made a light click on in my head and told me that taking action was the right thing to do.
He said " I would tell her to stay with your sorry ass as long as she could stand it".
I didn't take that to mean I was a bad guy but instead I understood in a legal context I was the one providing a life for another person and she was going to do what she wanted until she decided it made sense for her to pull the plug. The financial reward for her was going to be there either way. I knew I had to get out of the marriage because it was one sided economically and emotionally and the longer I allowed it to go on, the more I would be admitting that I had no value other than as a wallet for someone who did what they want caring only about themselves. I would hope I would have felt the same if I was staying home with the kids while all my financial needs were being met. No matter which side you fall, love and a connection should mean more than money. It did for me or I would not have been in the lawyers office. It was still a hard pill to swallow.
I do not want to neglect the importance of being a mother and the value that comes with it. There is not a better feeling then loving a woman who provides you children. She gives up a lot to do it but the right man will appreciate her and encourage her to maintain her own sense of individualism and not to give up career goals. A man who expects her to also earn money while being a full time mom is a bit selfish and shallow. Every circumstance is different in terms of how a family balances rearing of young kids while earning money. Too often both parents must work and kids are left in day care to be raised by others. Couples devoted to each other will be able to do what is best for their kids without keeping score as to who does what. A man also wants to be admired by his wife so he wants to show he is a boss and bring home as much money as he can for the family. In the same context, an honorable woman who bears a man children will not use them as pawns for her own financial benefit or to emotionally destroy a man who wants nothing more than to be a father to his kids.
Sadly things go wrong and they cannot be fixed. Divorce is a horrible experience but once you know that it is necessary, you need to make it happen as you will be better in the long run. The longer you delay it the harder it is and the insecurities that come with age cannot be ignored as you venture out on your own as a single person.
Think about where you are in life. Your wife may not want to be with you but will do nothing about it as long as she can live the life she wants. That life does not include you even though you are under the same roof. Your spouses indifference does not mean she is happy. Your perfect looking quiet soccer mom wife may also not be faithful. If you think she isn't plotting a way to maximize things when the time is right you are naive. Women are smart and calculating and don't think otherwise. While most people are rational and don't use children as pawns in court or want you financially ruined, you have to learn all possibilities so you can fight best battle possible. In extreme circumstances she will try to alienate you from your children and think she is doing you a favor offering every other weekend custody to you. If you think your wife will do the right thing when it comes to finances and children you are as naïve as I was.
No matter how difficult the process is and no matter how long it takes, you will be better off the sooner you make it happen and push through to the end. You will find yourself and who you are even though you never thought you were lost. I would give anything to have my full intact family and a loving marriage that I thought I had signed up for, but once it was gone, it was never coming back.
A man alone is happier than a man in a bad marriage and we don't live forever.
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Thoughts on the world of families, divorce, and child rearing from a man who has experienced the highs and lows of life.