I remember the first time the word divorce popped into my head. I had not been happy in my marriage for some time. In fact, I married someone who the day after we got married took her wedding ring off and I never saw it on her finger again for the length of the marriage(8 years). Watching a gorgeous woman treat me poorly while she treated everyone else well was just something that I could not accept I was seeing. It was a total mindfuck to be married to such a gorgeous woman who treated me with disdain and disrespect while knowing for some reason she was sacrificing her prime to live in a loveless marriage and have kids with someone she had no feelings for. Maybe it was just me being insecure despite my outward confidence. Maybe it was something I was doing wrong. It didn't matter. She was stunning and she was with me. She was as physically perfect to me she was detestable a human being.
Throughout our marriage we had money and all the personal items anyone could want. Add two beautiful healthy daughters to the mix where I felt so proud that my wife could stay home and be a traditional wife while I encouraged her and supported her to work or go to class and life was what I thought it was supposed to be. We never fought(because we never talked) and on the outside we looked like this beautiful family with the world at our feet. Yet there I was using the divorce word in my thoughts. For all the outside positivity, there were clearly a lot of problems. I knew what they were but I didn't rock the boat. A beautiful woman was giving me children and I was in for all the kids I could get. I would do whatever it took to take care of them. In my mid to late 30s I was realizing the dreams I could not find or achieve in my 20s, when I believed, and still do to this day, was the time for me to make those dreams reality. My parents were married for life and with less money and experiencing the burden of tragedy that no one deserves, they made it work. I had a great childhood. For me to think of divorce was just blasphemy.
Yet there I was, contemplating divorce. The red bill had been hitting me upside the head since the day the wedding ring came off my wife's finger and she began living the single life filled with the disrespect that dared me to do something. My wife knew who I was, my character, and what mattered to me. She knew how badly I wanted kids and she knew how beautiful I thought she was. Where was I going to find better at this stage in life? Knowing who I was and how I carried myself gave her the outline of how to behave so she could get what she wanted. What I didn't realize and maybe am still in denial about is that she wanted certain things at that time in her life and I was the man who could provide them yet she didn't want me. I was just the right guy at the right time. No matter what I achieved or how I behaved, I was never going to be the man that mattered to her. Maybe I was a rebound from a man she loved. Maybe my ability to earn and provide her a nice life was very appealing even if she didn't smile when she saw me. Maybe she wanted kids and I was a good looking athletic man who would produce big strong kids. I could make a list. The bottom line is she was preparing for divorce before we ever said I do. I had no idea what was to come and my wife's desire to financially and emotionally destroy someone she did not even want to be with was beyond the anything you could imagine.
Why do I mention this stuff that happened years ago no matter how bad the divorce ultimately turned out? I say this to help you men who are reading this and other sites who are contemplating divorce. If you are making your list of all the things that justify a divorce or push you to getting legal advice, know that she is already thinking about it. It is likely she has already seen a lawyer. If you are not her first husband as in my case, your wife knows the divorce laws as well as your lawyer and much more than you. Your success in your field means nothing in terms of what you know about the ramifications of divorce. She probably does not want to be married to you but is not going to leave until she can maximize her financial benefit. If you have kids, she does not want you to have equal custody and is planning her exit in the way that will maximize her custody and reduce the time you have with your kids. There are no limits as to what a woman will do once she decides she does not want you for the long term. Without even discussing it, while she can fake certain things day to day to fool the average man, she will show her colors to the point where even a man who believes in marriage can see that things are just not right.
Add all of this negativity to the information you are likely to gather as to the cost of divorce and figuring out how to pick the right lawyer. You now realize the financial loss is coming. As an aside, while you are searching for a lawyer...IF A LAWYER TELLS YOU TO SETTLE FOR LESS THAN EQUAL 50/50 CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILDREN OR THAT THE JUDGE WONT GIVE YOU EQUAL CUSTODY, DO NOT HIRE THAT LAWYER!. You must get in fight mode and you need a lawyer who encourages you while you are feeling low because you lost your wife.
Part of the fight mode is being the one to file for divorce before she does. Remember 70-80 percent of divorces are filed by women. This isn't the case because the world is filled with bad marriages where men abuse, lie, cheat, and force the loyal woman to leave. Women file because they do it when it will work best for them and they know men simply dont want to face the divorce because they lose money and custody the minute its filed which is what the opposite of what the woman gets when its filed. Women want to time it when you are at your peak financially or atleast not at rock bottom. They will fake what they have to and stay longer with you if it means a higher payout like staying married for 10 years so if you die she can get your Social Security(Imagine getting married a little later in life, working your butt off for 15 years and then you get divorced. Maybe you are pushing 60 and the kids are finally out of the house and your wife is living off all the inequitable distribution of your assets and like many men, the stress of it all finally kills you and you die in your early 60s. Soon after your ex wife goes and gets your monthly social security basically living off what put you in the grave). You aren't filing for divorce first because you want to brag to your friends that you left the sorry bitch and your some big man with no emotions. The men that don't file for divorce first are blindsided when the wife does it or have the obvious on ignore like I did. They thought their wife would never leave. The horrible behavior of your wife was right in front of you yet you did nothing and are now acting in shock that she is leaving you. Even the 20% of men that do file for divorce more often than not they didn't want to do it because of kids or the financial loss or they really wanted a family . I was one of the 20% who filed and I didn't want to do it. I wanted the family and put the bad behavior of my wife on ignore for years because I so badly wanted this great family where I could prove every day that I was going to be the foundation. I would have disrespected myself even more than I had by staying and allowing someone to use and abuse me.
The statistics support the mindset of the modern man. It is one of weakness and fear. I would have saved thousand of dollars and made better choices had I had the information or a mentor who could help my mindset as a young man. Without it, I was ripe for what happened to me. I should have had sucker printed on my forehead when I walked around past age 30 trying to find a wife to build my ideal family. As you sit behind your computer and read all these divorce and coaching websites, ask yourself if you can accept what your reality is. It cannot be fixed. Your marriage is over. The question is now can you control the outcome. Can you walk out on your terms before she does.
I can show you what to do and how to win.
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