Don't Let People Tell You It is Your Fault

 One of the first things I heard from people involved in my divorce process for all the bad things that were done to me by my wife was that it was my fault, I married her. This angered me even more as I wondered how I was responsible for what was done or for not noticing the type of person I married. This type of belief may be said in jest by others including your own lawyer but ultimately it is said without thought to shame men into taking responsibility their part in the ending of the divorce.

Contrary to popular belief, it does not take two to divorce. One persons behavior can be the sole cause of divorce. That does not mean that the other person is behaving properly all the time. We all do things that can frustrate our partners, but that is the day to day life of marriage which does not cause divorce. Divorce is caused over major things related to sex, money, infidelity, addictions, and overall lack of respect. If one partner behaves in a way related to these areas and you choose to leave, that does not mean you are responsible for the divorce and do not let any person or lawyer tell you that you need to take responsibility for your part in the divorce when you did nothing wrong and acted in a way for years that a good woman would value and appreciate. Remember 25% of marriage do not end in divorce so you have a one in four chance of meeting a quality woman and building a family and a legacy. Bad women should not be let off the hook and men need to change the narrative rather than except blame because society and the divorce system expects you to simply because you are the man. This is very similar to the mindset we have created in society that says black people cannot be racist. Ignoring the reality continues to help keep society divided. 

If you behaved in a bad way and are getting divorced, then you need to accept what you did and suffer the consequences. If you cheated or disrespected your wife to the point the relationship went bad, then you as a man need to ask yourself why you are now in the position of divorce rape and minimal custodial time with your kids. Divorce punishes men no matter who is at fault, but if you are the cause of the breakup of your marriage and family, quite frankly you deserve whatever you get in divorce court when it comes to the loss of money. However if your wife was the cause of the breakup, even if her fault is not going to get you more of your assets, you should not be shamed into accepting that you did anything to cause the divorce. This shaming is done to keep you from fighting for what you have earned and to accept a less than equal custody schedule of your kids. This keeps the divorce industry moving forward smoother and gets men to believe they are at fault for a divorce when more often than not it is women who are the sole cause of them majority of divorces in this country.

The woman you marry is the same woman you divorce unless you get married when you are very young and even then then change is minimal. In most situations they do not change who they are from the time they meet you until the time they divorce. This is especially true the older your wife is when you marry her. While you should marry at a younger age and deal with the rough patches of growth that occur when living life in your twenties, if you marry a woman older than 30, you are marrying who and what she is and will be the rest of her life. The question is how long she can hide it to meet get her agenda met. As a man you have to be able to figure out if it is a bad woman early on before you marry her and distance yourself from her no matter how big her breasts are or how good she is in the sack. This is not easy and made even more difficult if you have delayed having children until after age 30. A mans decision, either intentional or not, to have kids late in life is going to increase the likelihood he will marry a bad woman who will destroy you emotionally and financially. 

If the woman you marry is virtuous and understands what it is to be a wife from everything to raising kids, being loyal, not acting like a whore, and dealing with you openly and honestly, while you still may end up being divorced, your divorce is not likely to result from her suddenly behaving in ways that showed a part of her character that she hid from you when you met, dated, and even early on in the marriage. A marriage can be both parties fault but if it the result of her actions or lack thereof, you should not be trained into thinking you did anything wrong and keep the mindset to fight with everything you have to win a proper custody and financial result. If you have a good lawyer, they will encourage this fight. Most will simply tell you you wont get equal custody of your kids and the money is lost. You are getting divorced because you no longer want to live a life of defeatism so watch who you have in your life as you start the divorce process both personally and professionally. 

If you are early in the process of your divorce, ask yourself honestly why you are divorcing. If your wife left you and you didn't do anything that involved cheating, abuse, or day to day disrespect, you left because she does not want to be married to you and either has a boyfriend or wants to be alone with the kids why you pay all her bills. She knows there is a reward for her for divorcing regardless of fault.

The scary woman is the one who you married while she pretended to be something she wasn't. She may have pretended to be virtuous and respectful, but instead she had secrets. These secrets are best hidden from the traditional man. You might be at work all day while your wife is staying at home with the kids. She does not keep the house clean and uses excuses about why she wont have sex with you. You don't feel a genuine welcoming from her when you come home and it is clear her kids are her priority even if she isn't that good of a mom. She can keep this facade going for as long as she needs while she drives you to leave. You wonder what you are doing wrong as you basically take care of her while you build a foundation for the two of you to enjoy once the kids are out of the house. You know something isn't right but you just cant put your finger on it. She is on the computer all the time and has her alcohol bottles hidden in the kitchen cabinet thinking you don't notice it. She has valued her friends more than you and her eyes light up when she sees other men yet you are looked at with disdain because you cant be that wild crazy non responsible man that she wants to hang out with but not be with in public around her family. She is living a double life. Her lies are used to cover lies. Even the biggest beta man can see something is wrong. She isn't going to change and the more she gets away with the worse her behavior. You are now stuck. You have kids and have worked hard but your partner is basically showing herself the more locked in you are to her financially. She isn't going anywhere as long as she can do what she wants because you pay the bills and avoid her because you despise what she has become. She also knows you aren't going to leave even though your marriage has become a farce and she has an agenda to maximize her stability, the stability of the kids, and the financial payout.

As you think about these things, how much of this applies to your marriage? You don't even know all the secrets. It is probably worse than you think it is. You know why your wife hasn't left yet even though she clearly sees you as no longer necessary to her life. At some point you leave and it shocks her and now she plays victim and makes up all sorts of stories to justify blaming you for the divorce. Your friends take her side because she is the story teller. Is your lawyer asking you to take blame for what you probably did even though he or she has never really listened and likely does not care about the dynamics of your marriage? You are trained to take the blame for the ending of a marriage you gave everything to put your family first. When this becomes your mindset you will soon find yourself agreeing to pay out too much money to your ex and settle for every other weekend custody.

If you screwed up your marriage by cheating or being an insecure bully, accept responsibility, settle the money part quickly, and fight for equal custody of your kids. If you arent that guy and it turns out you married a narcisistic woman who maybe was an alcoholic or a computer addict who valued others over what you provided because you aren't the tatooed up guy who is the life of the party with all sorts of stories, don't accept blame for what she did. If your wife is pretty she can fool you. She can pretend to be anything she wants to get you to be with her even if she never cared about you. You will wake up one day and handle it accordingly but do not ever take blame for your divorce when you handled your business like a boss. We all can be more exciting and fun etc but no matter how much you improved in those areas it likely isn't who you are and your wife would still want attention elsewhere. 

Instead of letting others steer you into taking responsibility for what your sorry wife did, be glad you initiated the divorce and found the courage to get rid of your wife. She is the sorry piece of garbage you think she is. The problem you need to focus on is the wife who is going to feel scorned because she misread your courage to get divorced. The scorned woman will make one or more of her children pay for her failures and unhappiness. You are going to face battles over social, educational, and medical issues with your kids and expect her to take one of them and begin to destroy her self esteem and development. The will be give IEP plans at school and medication prescribed by a doctor who cares nothing about these young patients he prescribes medicine. This is your fight and for you to fight the post initiation of the divorce you need to be strong and not be shamed into a your the bad guy who caused your divorce.

Be strong gentleman and fight for yourself and be proud of how you handled your business as a man. Dominating your household and taking care of a family is a sign of strength and true manliness. Once you realize your wife is using the system to take advantage of you because of her own self hate, make your own life, enjoy your freedom, and do positive things for your kids while you fight the ex wife's attempt at their destruction because she is already a failed woman who you happened to cross paths with at the wrong time in life.