Drugs, Alcohol, and Porn... or Gym and Intermittent Fasting

When a man hits 40-45, that is the age a divorce is most likely to happen. The reasons are endless, but this is also the age where a man can go downhill fast physically, mentally,  or economically divorce or not. A divorce only speeds up these changes that are basically his mid life crisis. Ultimately its his mindset and response to what has happened that will determine how he enjoys the rest of his life. Life should get better as we age, but if the hurdle of divorce faces you, the after effects need to be managed and handled or you will die slowly and younger than you should.

When I advise other men, I try to look at myself as the benchmark so this helps me give real advice and not just a list of cookie cutter dos or don'ts to help move forward with life. I was always in decent shape and athletic since I was a young boy. I was good at sports and played on teams all the way through college. I wasn't super in shape but I wasn't the guy sitting on my couch playing video games and eating cheetos well into my 30s. Could I have exercised more? Yes. Did I continue to be active up until I got divorced? Yes. Was I that guy who worked out 3-5 times a week who lived at the gym and went running all the time? No. I was the guy who was barely hanging on to my athleticism and doing everything I could to keep from getting noticeably fat or lethargic. At age 40, unless you are making it a priority to stay in super shape, your body is going to show real signs of age and it gets harder to fend it off. I never saw myself as depressed and certainly didn't sit at home on the couch in order to advance my age faster, but I was more aware of my age than at any other time in life. Sadly many men let things go often enabled by bad habits to numb themselves from the hurdles of life they could not climb. Add a failed marriage or no ability to get women and too many men realize their best years are behind them. Fighting off age is a battle we all face, but we want to do it on our terms. Adding negativity can push a man the wrong way to utter destruction and at this time in life, self awareness and discipline are the two most important traits a man must have to fight the battles you did not plan to face alone.

I was 40 when my marriage was noticeably an issue for me and by 44 I was divorced. At that time in life, I was not the runner constant exercise guy nor was I the guy who lived on the couch drinking myself into depression and a sloth appearance. My wife didn't physically or emotionally abandon me because of who I was or how I appeared physically. I was still a strong, athletic, high libido man who needed to exercise a bit more but I was not 25 or even 30. Even though I was the one who left my wife and filed for divorce, it was still a traumatic experience. I walked out on someone I loved and as a pro marriage and family guy, it was heartbreaking to know that no matter what I did, how much I earned, or how quality of a man I was, there was nothing I could do to make my wife treat me like I thought a wife should or to keep her from zeroing me out. I meant nothing to her other than the financial protection I provided. For as bad as that was, many women are much more open in their deception. They will flat out leave you, empty the house of all the stuff, keep your kids from you, and flash a new boyfriend within minutes of leaving you. All of your worst fears are right in your face. If you are a normal man, this destroys you emotionally and can cause you to make decisions that will harm you way more than getting a way from a horrible woman who you thought was your world. 

If you are sitting in this position as a man who was just left or is thinking of leaving his wife because of what you see, but maybe wont admit, as a complete lack of a marriage, you need to have significant discipline and self awareness moving forward. Even if you can save your financial resources and can get a custody order in place with 50/50 custody of your kids, you are still losing a big part of your life. While you may not realize it at the moment you are likely better off and have an opportunity to live a life for you around new women who value you, you are still going through a change in life that can and has destroyed many men even to the point of suicide. Even if you save your money and get to see your kids, it does not matter if you begin to destroy yourself post divorce with bad decisions.

As a 40-45 year old man, divorce or not, you need to do things to allow you to enjoy the last part of your life on your terms. You cant stop age, but you can still have fun. It is important you do things gradually and slowly to give yourself the best chance at a positive life. Here are 5 things to consider which I discuss with all my clients and give real advice about with pretty much everyone in depth and an in detail so they can move forward with life and get away from what is likely a nasty or manipulative woman:

1. Understand the concept of no contact and live by it. Do not contact your ex ever kids or not unless it involves kids health or education. If this becomes necessary do it only by email. Never talk to your ex again. This is not easy and will likely require some nasty emails or even phone conversations post split if she refuses to cooperate over custody. Once things are in place, be the best dad you can and eliminate her from your life. She has eliminated you but will be glad to talk to you if she is getting things. Once she realizes she cant manipulate you any longer, she wont speak to you again. You now know that she never loved you and you were only relevant to what you could do for her.

2. Eliminate all the bad habits you can. I have never smoked and don't drink. I am not anti alcohol but it is very destructive. If you smoke do all you can to quit. If you do any type of drug stop and go to rehab if you cant. Marijuana is terrible and should never be a part of your life. I don't care if you are thin and exercise like a fiend. Eliminate it from your life. Stop drinking all alcohol. Stop drinking all soda. Reduce Sugar intake. As someone who was fatter than I wanted as I hit 40 because I like cheeseburgers and pizza, I would just say still enjoy the foods you like but cut back on the portions. This can be tough but start gradually eliminate what you can. While loved ice cream, I could give that up. What you put in your body after age 40 will have dramatic affects on you way more than it did when you were young. If you use drugs or alcohol or over eat to ease the pain of divorce, you are hurting yourself and setting a bad example for your kids. You are also letting your ex know that she may have been right in forcing a divorce. You cant beat middle age, but you can still look good and be attractive to women.

3. Exercise rationally. If you are the guy that has stayed fit and exercises all the time well into your 40s and beyond, good for you. It may make things easier for you post divorce. For the other 95% of you who are either fat slobs and have no interest in exercising or those who move a bit but aren't big exercisers, take baby steps. Get a gym membership and pay for one that has a pool and a sauna. Walking in a pool or sitting in a steam room will make you feel good which helps when you aren't to the point of throwing around weights. Its a start. It may also get you motivated to lift weights. It is easy to say hit the gym and start lifting but the key is change your life in a way that gradually leads to real improvement and not massive changes that aren't as likely to last. Get in the habit of doing things. Be outside more. Join a bowling or tennis group. Walking and bike riding are great. Start slow and build up as your mental strength improves.

4. Minimize porn. While I am pretty conservative, porn has its place especially in today's dating world. If you watch porn or like many women write porn fiction every day, especially for hours, it is destructive. Go to rehab and get help. It is a hard habit to break for many men who lived in sexless marriages who later got divorced and don't want or don't have the ability to date women. When you would rather watch porn and touch yourself than try to figure out how to have a good sex life with your spouse, it is time to divorce or for you to check yourself. I was married to someone who spent hours on the computer writing stories about Harry Potter characters having sex with each other and hogwarts etc. When I found out I was shocked but it was clearly an addiction. I couldnt get her to be interested in me and I was not going to cheat. It was divorce time. While knowing the mother of your kids wasn't what I thought she was, it made me feel that it wasn't my physical appearance or me that was the total cause for being in a sexless marriage. Either way being addicted to porn and choosing it over your spouse is pretty hurtful so dont do that to your spouse. That being said, sexual release is vital and healthy. Once you are divorced, porn can keep you from doing things in real life you might regret. Unwanted pregnancies, STDs, and the shame you feel after being with the wrong person physically are worse than the occasional porn date with just yourself. There is nothing worse than dating a woman you wouldn't talk to otherwise just because you haven't had sex in awhile. Women hate desperate men and having this option versus never watching or not touching yourself will allow you to make smart decisions with your dating life going on. 

5. Intermittent fasting. This is probably the best thing any man can do post divorce to increase his overall health. In addition to giving up things like sugar and alcohol, one thing that should be mandatory is intermittent fasting. Going 20-24 hours between meals with one day for eating how you want will cause weight loss and overall better feeling. Your body will adjust pretty quick, you wont be hungry, and you will find eliminating things like candy and chocolate etc will be easier if you do it with an intermittent fasting lifestyle. Try taking 3-4 weeks and eat one meal a day between 4-6 pm. You can eat almost anything you want. Do not eat again for another 20-24 hours. Drink unsweet tea or water all you want and if you get hungry at night, have a cup of hot chocolate made with water. The weight will come off fast and you can still enjoy foods you like. This is easier than going on a diet of regular eating giving up things you still want. I can go 20-24 hours without eating if know I am going to have some nachos on occasion. I encourage every man to do this. Your energy, sleep habits, and overall mindset will improve. The discipline you show will improve in other areas of your life as well.

5. Depression medication is a no no in almost all circumstances. Women love medication. More than you think are on some form of it. Following a marriage split, they will get medicated or medicate themselves even more. The worst women want their kids to suffer along with them and will take their kids for counseling and to a doctor who will prescribe any kid medication because mom asked using her trauma of divorce as a reason the kids need help when they dont. These medications can have long lasting effects and are often the cause of destruction of a marriage. If your married someone without asking her if she is or was on some form of mind altering drug for depression or anxiety before marrying her, then you made a mistake. I did that and post divorce had to watch my normal children be carried from counselor to counselor and ultimately prescribed medication when there was nothing wrong with them. Courts will support this behavior and will also do anything to support a woman's attempt to sabatoge their own kids education. When I tell people my ex got a court order to keep our kids in a low level public school despite the chance to go to a top notch local charter school they think I made it up. The Judge supports these women.  While there are cases where medication is necessary, it is rare and its over use and easily obtained prescriptions are a big reason for the issues between men and women and the suffering of their kids. 

Do not get on that train. Men who are able to get real advice from other men do not need medication to deal with divorce. Men who don't have real friends who have been through similar experiences or who are counseled about things like marriage by a catholic priest instead of a man who has been through the battles are not getting help but medication is not the answer. Men are stronger than women when it comes to the battles of life because we have to be but do not ever allow yourself to get on medication for emotional issues. The side affects can involve weight can or even impotence. Its hard enough to be a man but these drugs do not help you. Find a man who can talk to you based on life experience, not some theory from a book he got with his fancy degree.

As men we need be aware of how we evolve as we age. We need to understand the nature of women so we can enjoy them on our terms and navigate marriage if we decide we want kids. When things go wrong, and there is an 80% chance your marriage will fail even if you don't get divorced, if you cannot rebuild and adapt, you will end up a big fat slob with lots of addictions. You know what these men look and act like and you do not want to be one of them. Think about your kids and think about the piece of garbage woman you are getting away from. The best revenge is a life well lived while being desirable to new women who you can walk away from the minute they start behaving badly.