The more men I run across who need help from a legal or emotional standpoint dealing with the loss of their marriage, the more it's about trying to figure out why they are getting divorced and not how to save their assets and maximize time with their kids. I am amazed by the men who are looking for affirmation that they were a good husband and provider while trying to understand why their wife wanted a divorce or why they were treated so badly that they were forced to leave their wife even if they didn't want to despite the years of mental abuse, shaming, and disrespect. These same men will hire a lawyer who will encourage them to give up marital assets and sign a custody agreement that gives him every other weekend with his kids because they are told this is the best they can do in court. The lawyer gets his fee, does minimal work, and the man soon thereafter realizes his mistake and starts to see the financial and emotional issues that come with being bullied by the process like he was while he was married. Despite all this negativity and sudden change in day to day life, he still wants to know why his wife didn't want to be married to him any longer.
As one of the 20% of men who left his wife and filed for divorce after years of mental abuse and neglect versus the typical man whose wife filed for divorce, I asked the same questions and sadly still do more than I want to admit. I didn't want to be divorced. I loved my wife and kids. The divorce process was horrible from losing most of my assets to a woman who contributed nothing to having to fight to win 50/50 custody of my two young daughters. I had barely moved out of my home when her first lawyer sent me a letter offering 2 days a month visitation with a long list of financial demands by a woman who refused to go back to work despite a college degree and who would use the system to spend the next four years not working full time. I was forced to endure a trial for child custody because I wanted 50/50 custody where my character and parental desire and skills were questioned by lawyers who without reason or evidence wanted to see a good father not have equal custody of daughters who need a strong dad in their lives regularly. It takes a special kind of evil to advocate for such a position but it was done with ease and a big smile. This is a process I wouldn't wish on any man yet despite being the one who left and seeing how badly I was treated pre and post divorce, I still too often asked myself what did I do wrong to cause this marriage to end? Why didn't my wife want to be married to me and why was I disrespected to the point I had no choice but to walk out on my family and endure the hell of the family court system? For all the marriages that do end(50% of first marriages and 70% of second marriages), think of all the marriages that don't end because the man does not want to deal with what most men who get divorced have to face. Now that many years have passed and I can reflect with less anger, I use my experience to help men understand why there was simply nothing they could have done so we can focus on doing as well as possible in a financial and custodial sense while letting the need for an explanation why go by the wayside as much as possible. Let me explain.
Unless you are very lucky, you likely married a woman who was settling for you at a given time in her life when she wanted financial stability, children, or just wanted a wedding to show all her friends that she was married. If you weren't her first husband she likely needed you to take out the revenge she had for the first husband who didn't turn out to be the man she wanted or give her children. She does not want to be a wife and has no interest in an equal partnership over the long term. Her needs are her needs and they do not involve you. Once you have kids you will learn real quick that you are basically an afterthought and once she is done having kids with you, your value is even less. Her priorities are now her kids and you are simply a financial tool to be used and ignored. The older she is when she gets married, there is even less of a chance that she has any true interest in seeing marriage the way a man does and handling the responsibility and honesty that comes with being a wife. Even though she got married, she is still looking for attention. You might satisfy that need for awhile but if you are the nice guy you will get walked on and if you turn out to be a jerk, she will be looking elsewhere quicker and more openly.
Back in the day this behavior was a bit more subtle many women knew how to fool the "nice guy" or the man who was doing everything right to make the relationship work. In today's modern social media society, things have changed and attention is more easily attainable and there is a record of who is actually giving a woman attention in the form of likes and followers. Cell phones make the exchange of attention via texting, pictures, and videos as common place and acceptable as getting a girls phone number back in the day so you could call a house phone and maybe get to talk to her. Women don't want other women getting more attention than they get married or not. Ask Steph Curry's wife about that. She does not even hide her desire for attention. If your wife is pretty your marriage is even more likely to fail because the attention she receives will be off that chart and women are not loyal long term in the 21st century. As a man you have to show you are the prize and rather than try to negotiate her desire or tolerate disrespect that goes way beyond the day to day issues that exist in a marriage, you must be able to walk away from women who do not respect you and what you bring to the table. If she does not admire you and what you are, you cant do anything to change that. A woman like that is never yours. It is just your turn. Her desire will soon be focused elsewhere and its simply a matter of timing when things go bad. As the man you need to decide when to move on or that you are the guy who will accept the wife being in control and stay until the kids leave the house or until she leaves you knowing you have no respect from the woman whose life you likely provide for day to day. There is no right answer but a self aware man is going to be an emotional basket case the day he realizes what his wife truly is and has to decide how to live his life going forward. When kids are involved you must make decisions that benefit their well being and there are no easy answers. Women know they control the narrative and if you are the nice guy who brings home a good paycheck, which is likely why she married you and allowed you to father her kids, you are in a no win situation while you wake up each day knowing she can pull the plug and get all the cash and prizes provided by the family court system.
In the early stages of relationship failure men want to talk about all they do right. I make good money. I give her a car and a home and I help out with the kids. I clean the house and take care of the yard. I basically do everything I can so she has nothing to complain about. I also don't challenge her and defer to her wishes and desires. What men fail to realize is that no matter what they do, she is not going to be satisfied. She wants more and the foundation of your sacrifice combined with her own inner arrogance will make her even more emboldened to think she can find it whenever she wants it. If you mix in the likely NPD she has because she is pretty, you are pretty much screwed when it comes to maintaining an honest respectful relationship with her over the long haul. Has she been married before? Did you marry someone with kids from a prior marriage? If this is the case, you are likely just the next in line of her trying to find her unicorn. She picked you because of her need for money because her first husband was everything bad that you are good or this was the time to have kids. It is possible she didn't get enough money from the first husband or wanted more kids because she couldn't fool the first husband long enough to get all the kids she wanted. Once you meet her currently prioritized needs she will time the exit of the marriage by simply leaving or behaving so badly that she lives like a single woman while you slowly die from despair and she loses more and more respect for you because you allow the behavior rather than leave. This does not mean you're weak because it takes a special kind of man to leave even a bad wife knowing the financial loss and likelihood of not getting equal custody of your kids the minute you decide to walk out.
Whether a man should ever get married and when is the best time to do it can be debated. Choosing the right wife is also something that must be discussed by men. How to be the dominant man in a relationship is also important to help a woman understand her role and your value to her so she might not show her nature so soon is also vital. These issues and others as they relate to marriage and behavior are for other topics to discuss. What men need to understand once their relationship ends is not why it ended and what you could have done different. It is too late and the reality is very painful. What men need to learn is what steps to take and when to take them to protect their financial assets and maximize the custody time of kids. They also need to find the right support system to deal with their emotions and to learn what is the best way to deal with an ex using hopefully as little contact as possible post marriage, kids or not. Without the proper support from the right lawyer, a bad situation is going to get worse. Trying to understand why your wife behaved the way she did or why she never really cared enough about you to be an equal partner in your marriage is pointless. You aren't unique and getting input and life or legal advice from the right men is invaluable. Men need to be more communicative and helpful to their friends who are going through this and get them to the right lawyer. My parents were married 40 years until my dad died. He was the nice guy and in today's world he would have been eaten alive by a horrible woman. While I wish I had him or someone to educate me as a young man about female nature so I could develop my sense of awareness and make better choices at better times, the world isn't like that any more and today's woman isn't like your mother. Their values and priorities have changed and they aren't afraid to put their behavior on display because they can. They are ruthless with agendas that so many men ignore because there is nothing better than a pretty woman or the joy of having children, which so many men never get to experience in life. Men cannot change what women have become but we can educate each other early to make better choices in life and how to focus on a task at hand rather than try to figure out why something went bad. There is nothing better than a top notch woman and a wonderful wife as they do exist even if they are as rare as a Trump supporter on a college campus, but when the reality hits that you didn't get one, you need to take the right steps going forward rather than asking why your ex is everything you thought she wasn't while she and her win at all costs lawyers, even to the detriment of your kids, destroy you in family court.
There is no better place to get the education and focus on what matters when it comes to relationships, divorce, and child custody than with the team at menunited.tv. I am proud to be a part of it.
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