Once a man realizes he is going to be a divorce statistic, how he responds to this adversity will go a long way in determining how the rest of his life will be going forward. The proper way to respond is something not often seen because you are being asked to rise above the natural response to divorce which is essentially anger, hate, self loathing, and revenge.
The views typically expressed on this blog are not those that involve cooperation, friendliness, happiness, or much positivity when it comes to divorce and the unequal burden it shifts to men. There simply isnt any positivity other than the joy you will feel, albeit often intermittently, of having your freedom and the confidence that comes with being able to take a stand against a horrible person and leave your marriage no matter what it will cost you when it comes to money and access to your children. There is a reason so many men get divorced and it is expensive. If you manage it correctly it is worth it.
Although the negativity of divorce can be found easily and repeated in many places, what we as men fail to do when the divorce train is passing through our lives is totally ignore what we can do to make the negatives of divorce into something positive. No matter how hard it is to find positivity and behave accordingly, if you don't do that, you like most men will quickly spiral out of control with depression, only express your anger through violence, start drug and alcohol use or abuse, while losing the respect and admiration from his children who are at an age where even if they knew the truth, they wouldn't quite understand why dad feels and behaves the way he does. One often ignored negative of this reckless behavior is the joy your ex takes from seeing you implode. It takes a nasty woman to choose to have kids with you, then when she decides you are of no use or someone better has come along, she then uses the court system to destroy you financially while lying to keep you from getting equal access to your kids. However, there is a special place in hell for the same woman who wants you mentally and physically destroyed so she can take the joy from it. Even if you don't change your life for yourself post divorce, you don't want her to see you as defeated.
As man you need to accept what your ex or soon to be ex wife is now that you are divorcing. She will likely be worse than she was when you were deciding whether or not to divorce her. You are seeing the real her, not the lie she perpetuated to get you to marry her just in case her giant breasts or fake accommodating personality did not get you to do it. You are now free from a horrible person. That has real value and will allow you to do things you wouldn't be able to do while married to her.
As the process moves forward, you will be confronted with challenges that you need to meet head on. Don't devalue yourself because your wife did. That is what she wants. She might be the prettiest woman you ever knew, but she isn't young and she will soon be dating men who understand what she is and know how to use her like she used others. She wants you to question your ability to be a parent so her lawyer, too often with the help of your own lawyer, can convince you to accept a parenting agreement that is less than 50/50. Fight with all you have not to make that happen even if you are feeling at your lowest point and just want it all over. We live in a system where a man loses his home, his money, his family, and he is expected to ready to battle an ex for access to his kids with a strong frame of mind all while years of work are being wiped out by the stroke of a Judges pen or the ability of a lawyer to place a stamp on a letter sending you bill after bill for what are mostly conversations about what you wont get it if you continue to fight. You can laugh all you want about the value of a life coach but this is the time you need one and a good one with life experience will help you get your mind right to not give up on what matters, which is your children and your mental health.
While you go through the child custody process, talk to your kids about what is going on especially if they are pre teens and up and they ask why mommy wont let them see or talk to you like they want. They will understand and it can be achieved without the need to put down their mother in their presence. The more you show that you are willing to be a dad, you will see your ex do even more to destroy the very kids she wants you to be away from. This hate and mental illness she has for such actions is a much bigger sickness than the one you are facing as you try to navigate a new and better life. While the process is going on and she is acting like its about the kids best interests, she will devalue their education and deprive them of opportunities all with the help of willing female teachers at the kids public school and an administration that does not want to get sued so they will do whatever needed to please the mentally ill mother who accepts no responsibility for the cause of her divorce and plays victim to get special favors. Call out this behavior whenever possible.
While your ex will try to convince judges she only cares about the kids to deprive you of custody and decision making ability, all while getting your kids dependent on prescription medication for made up academic woes, social inadequacy, or to help her manage her Munchausens Syndrome, you can do positive things rather than try to focus on the moms negative behavior. Find out about your kids interests beyond surface conversation and get involved with them. Instead of just dropping them off for their activities while mom brown noses and tries to embed herself into the groups of coaches/leaders, why not coach one of your kids teams? You can coach softball or soccer without knowing anything about it and your child will be so happy to see you involved. You will find joy in the appreciation of other kids that someone will take the time to help them enjoy a sport. The bond with your kid will grow while your kid grows up to resent the mother who put them on medication for no reason and who tried to hinder educational achievement all because she needed conflict or problems to exist so dad could not get equal custody. Your kids will get older. They will see your positive interaction and also moms destructive behavior toward their growth. The payoff will be invaluable especially if you are a father of daughters.
While you fight for equal custody or spend crazy amounts of time trying to maintain equal custody, make the most of it. Always be engaged and talking to your kids and help them learn about the real world, not the one that is hidden behind a fence of rainbows and butterflies perpetuated by mothers who have no ability to communicate even with children. Your ability to be real will cause your kids to open up to you about their personal issues and this trust and openness will help your kids navigate this me first world with values that still matter.
Now that you are single you also should have access to new ladies for dating. You are still desirable even if you think otherwise because your marriage didn't work. While dating soon after divorce is not recommended when it comes to forming relationships, you can enjoy the company of new ladies while working on your skills at being a better partner. If you havent already, start learning all you can about the women you meet. Practice your social skills and make them chase you. The reckless behavior post marriage is not something you want to do, but if you put yourself out there you can meet the right person who might be worthy of being in your life. Dating can be fun even if you rightly have no intention of ever marrying. You can control the narrative. Let women see you as the prize. If they test you with their behavior thinking they can get away with it because they are pretty and so many other divorced men continue to kiss their butt despite their bad behavior, you will be surprised at how easily you can walk away and go no contact. If you aren't 20 trying to get as much sex as possible and the women you are talking to aren't the mother of your kids or someone you loved, it is so easy to walk away. You lose nothing. Its time for it to be about you and your happiness. Your wife may have been beautiful and you may have kids with her, but you walked away once already. How much easier is it to not put up with female nonsense going forward. As you age and gain confidence from your success, beautiful women don't mean anything like they did before. They realize they cant control you and if you don't have children with them and aren't married to them, the state cant rape you for leaving. A quality woman will like you for you and not what you provide for her monetarily and this divorce experience will help you recognize these women and not just settle for the next pretty one you meet after your wife. Marriage is your world of lemons, but post divorce is now lemonade. Your confidence will guide you to a life of either no relationships or only those with the rare woman who is everything your past girlfriends and wife were not. This revelation is one of the best things to come out of divorce.
While you were married, you were likely the guy that put everyone before himself. You were a strong earner and a great partner. You did it all while your wife took advantage of it. What you didn't do was understand that no matter what you did for your family and wife, you married a crappy person who only cared about her own needs and there was nothing you could do to make her want you. She might not have left because she had a good life without you in her face day to day or was building to later time with a better financial payout but dont think because she wasnt leaving you that she hadnt already left you. Your lack of sex and communication was all you needed to know no matter how many days you lived under the same roof. The longer you allowed her to control things with no regard for you, your stress was high and your own health was ignored likely causing issues that made you gain weight or just not seem as appealing as the guys she saw at the gym every day in her leisure life while you worked yourself into an early grave. You cant change what happened or even the idiocy you feel for letting this go on for as long as you did, but you are now gone from her life by the grace of God. Now that your wife has to get a job and work post divorce, she has less time to flirt with random men at the gym who give her attention because they want sex not because shes this amazing person. Shes tired from a long day working and dealing with people who take advantage of her like she did you while you essentially worked for her. You are now working on yourself whether it be exercising or doing activities you like instead of trying to please an ungrateful wife only doing things she likes or more likely watching while she does things with everyone but you. You are your focus, not someone who shows nothing but disrespect while taking advantage of your character.
Divorce is never easy and no one facing it is glad they are having to deal with it. I delayed it for a long time and still didn't want to do it when I made the decision to walk out. The frustration and anger is still there. However, I did not wallow in it. I bettered myself. I enjoyed things that I could not before because I was too busy trying to take care of the wife and kids. I created a better living environment. I also became a better father helping my kids become better while becoming directly involved in their lives. If I had stayed married maybe I would not have done these things instead just seeing how much money I could make while my wife turned my kids into zombies with no ability to communicate or challenge themselves.
As you sit there reading trying to figure out how you will get through the process, take a step back and ask yourself how you can be better now that you don't have to take care of someone who didn't take care of you. The older you are and the longer you wait to pull the trigger on a divorce, the worst the recovery is and the ability to make lemonade is tougher. It can still be done at any age as you are not dead yet despite your wife secretly wishing you would drop dead so she can collect insurance or years down the road walk in to the Social Security Administration and collect your higher monthly check because she managed to stay married to you for 10 plus years. While you are busy having all the negative shoved in your face, understand there is a new life facing you and you will find that you lost nothing when your wife goes away(other than the money the state will take from you) and your self esteem and relationship with your kids will get better while you see the confidence in yourself that only comes from a man who is educated as to the ways of women. This knowledge and attitude will make you a better man and have relationships with better ladies rather than living a life of hard work and settling for less than you deserve. Your Lemonade is out there. Go make it gentleman.
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The Red Devil