One of the biggest mistakes men make once they realize they are going to divorce is that they think their soon to be ex wife is going to be fair. The woman you are divorcing is not the woman you married, atleast not in terms of presentation. You could be the father of her kids and the importance of your mental, physical, and financial health all vital as to how well she and your kids will live long after the divorce is over, and she will still want you destroyed. She wants you mentally and financially broken like you are some random stranger from the street.
While you are stupidly thinking you can deal with this type of person and resolve things fairly, she is gathering all the information she can on you so she gets her share of the assets while minimizing your value as a father because she does not want you to have equal custody. She might even be stealing marital assets and your personal items because you are too stupid to notice or protect yourself before the divorce process begins. Being the nice guy is a curse. I cringe looking back how this woman I loved and took care off just casually stole my personal things while emptying bank accounts while denying everything she could when she thought I did not have proof. It was all right there in front of my face and I just ignored it like a total simp. Men who get educated through experience or before the mess hits the wall look back and just wonder how they got into these situations and not protect themselves.
Once your mindset changes and you understand what you are up against, you must ask yourself what kind of help and support you need to make sure you minimize your destruction in court. In addition to a good lawyer who can help you figure out what you need to find or invest in in terms of assets or experts, you need to ask yourself if a private investigator is worth the expense. Everything in a divorce is about economics from child custody to equitable distribution. Your wife is not wanting you to have equal custody because you are a bad dad, she is doing it for money. Courts continue to favor mothers in custody decisions yet most judges, including the male ones, will keep a dad from equal custody because the mom pretends to care about the kids to the point where she puts her own economic interests over the love of a father of her kids. When my ex refused equal custody because I wanted a divorce, such a position is the reason I decided that I would never speak to her again once I left the home. A decade later and I still have not. Would a PI help in your custody battle? The financial loss of getting the every other weekend schedule versus the week on week off equal time can be a lot of money every month.
Private Investigators are expensive but basic things they can do might save you some money. If you have no assets and alimony isn't an issue in your divorce, unless you think your wife is abusing or endangering your kids, you do not need to hire an investigator to find out shes cheating on you. If you have assets and you have a stay at home wife who could get alimony, you might want to hire an investigator if you think your wife is cheating. I thought my wife was cheating but I couldn't prove it and didn't hire a PI like I should have. Women are always one step ahead and you bet she is being told to cut out any bad behavior by the lawyer she consulted when she started planning for divorce 1-2 years or more before you did. Proof of infidelity eliminates your wife's alimony.
Another issue where a PI can help is when it comes to determining what the marital assets are on the day you separate. Men are providers and we usually don't keep track of what money our wife makes. What the man makes is the couples and what the woman makes is hers. That seems to be the the norm. You would be surprised to find out the bank accounts your wife has while she saves but uses the money you earn to pay for her personal life. Once the litigation for divorce begins, each side will ask the other for financials including bank accounts and investments. Do you think the wife will tell you everything? She will mention one tiny account with little to no money in it and any accounts with real money in it she will not tell you about. You need a PI to find this information. When my ex said I only have one account with nothing in it, at the time I didnt think of it, but later I wondered how did I know she was telling the truth. A PI can find bank accounts and you may find that your ex maintained a seperate bank account the whole time you were married. Dont assume that is all her money or that she had it before she married you. Women know how to save and spend money on assets they can hide. Dont underestimate who you are up against. When you sit down at mediation to divide up the marital assets, you want to know you are on a fair playing field with everything disclosed. While hiding money is often done with no way to prove it, once you change your mindset to understanding your spouse will try to do it, you can cut the losses by having a PI search for all sort of assets. Understand the economics of the investment and whether it is worth it to you.
A PI can also be helpful if you think there is a potential alienation of affection claim. Did some smooth talking dude give your wife a little attention and the next thing shes with him 5 minutes after you seperate. There is probably more to it. If you can get the evidence a deep pocketed dude smooth talked your wife into leaving you to be with him, you might have two defendants in your divorce case.
A PI can find all sorts of things that will help you get fair custody of your kids and as fair a distribution of the assets as possible. To this day I still wondered what I missed because I did not hire one. Did I get the info on all her bank accounts? Did I do all I could to find the boyfriend? Was an alienation of affection case possible. I will never know because I didn't invest in one when I should have. The things I found out on my own from everything to the fan fiction porn addiction and membership on a website where you buy and sell people who are dressed like pimps and hookers from South Central LA. This website wasn't for trading cooking tips. I only found this out thanks to someone with a PI mindset who helped me. The shock of finding out your spouse has addictions, disloyal behavior, and fetishes can cause a man not to think logically. Even with the evidence right in front of him he wont investigate his spouse. These were all mistakes I made and I am guessing it cost me a lot of money while also providing more confirmation that I was not wrong to leave my wife despite still caring for her.
The divorce battle is a mindset. Yes you must do an economic analysis before you start spending money on experts, but don't assume that even with a lawyer representing you that you will get all the information about your wife's life. The woman's goal is to lie, delay, and cheat even more than she did when married to you. You need to fight back and understand that a PI may be necessary. I know what I lost by failing to find out everything I could about my wife's dishonesty because I didn't have the mindset that this was a fight or ongoing behavior that my ex would deal honestly. A PI would have solved that.
Fix your mindset before you get divorced. Understand who and what you are up against. If you believe your wife is a dishonest cheater, she probably is. Once you get the correct mindset and understand what you are up against, pick your PI wisely and get them to help you find the truth. Avoiding alimony, reducing the amount of hidden assets, and improved child custody chances are all potential benefits. You might cringe at the cost but the peace of mind, something I dont have, is well worth it.
Dont make the mistakes I made. Change your mindset before you get divorced. Even if you dont divorce, mental clarity helps you with your age.
Church is funny thing. I recognize its importance in my ideal society, in my upbringing, my married life, and also its hypocrisy. Your church and its members/family are supposed to be there for you when things go bad or you need help. This help often comes in form of emotional support through the word of God. Bible verses and stories are to be used to help you push through the battle that is divorce and child custody, right? Your Pastor should be there to offer guidance and support. How realistic are these expectations and should you rely on your church family, professed Christians, to help you?
Sadly the answer is no.
Because the Church has its own problems and its members, including the Pastor, are too often weak people. They can make the Church and its activities seems so important and its environment a great place to be as long as the money is flowing and there are no significant tragedies in its membership. Individual problems are pushed aside when the parishoners are aware of the world and how religion shapes their life. Cookie cutter prayers, sermons, and interaction are the norm unfortunately. Church leadership is simply not capable of providing anything beyond superficial advice and support and no matter how many prayers you say, whether it be one on one with a Pastor or in a group prayer meeting. If you look at all the churches in your community, especially the ones who preach the loudest or have the biggest membership, you can bet atleast one, in addition to not being able to offer genuine support to its members when bad things happen, probably has a problem with its youth leadership including likely one or more instances of pastors molesting or sexually grooming youths right now, today, in 2020. The people who they help the most are those who believe that praying and talking about things in a church or religious setting solves everything or is all they need. Sadly this isn't the 1850's on a Wagon Trail in Utah or a screaming church in the South telling you that if you don't behave or fix your marital issues, the wrath of God is in your future.
My opinion about staying away from the Church during your divorce is based on my religious upbringing, watching a pastor handle my family during a tragedy, interaction in my own church during my divorce, and cynicism that comes with life and dealing with people who claim to be Christians yet act like the devil when it comes to putting their own interests first. I was raised from a young age in the Lutheran Church, went to Sunday School, watch my mom teach Sunday School, and my father volunteer. They put a check in the offering plate every week despite money being a problem for them. I went to confirmation class and was confirmed. I was in a Boy Scout Troop sponsored by the Mormon Church my best friend and his family were Mormon. I had the best time in Scouts under this Mormon umbrella even if I was still learning the difference between Latter Day Saints and Lutherans. The Mormon Church will always be part of my life and its people are great. Maybe how they handle the problems of their members are different then my Lutheran experience has been but who knows. I don't know if I would want to be in a Mormon Church and get divorced but that is for another post. I even went to a college based in religion. I was not the guy who joined Fellowship of Christian Athletes or brought up God with everything I did however. I wasn't Tim Tebow even if I am a fan of what he does in today's world. My religion was private and important and to this day I am still a believer and a Christian even if I don't participate in my church or attend services like I did as a younger man. Reality and experience has always taken precedence in how and who I get help or advice especially during times of turmoil. My character and religious beliefs have little meaning in trying to understand why others do what they do to destroy or take from you when just recently they were your friend or professed love for you. There are things God cannot answer.
Life experience has told me that the Church is not the place for the solutions of real problems of individuals but instead for group think where if we attend a group church service or prayer meeting, we can get answers from God. God does many wonderful things but he allows us to live our lives and learn from our mistakes giving us guidance with his words to help us understand and improve our choices in some instances but not all. God does not have individual plans for people or pick favorites from his community of believers. The pain of having to fight an ex over custody of kids is tough. Its very hard to explain in a Christian sense, or any sense, why a woman who sat next to you in church, prayed with you, stood next to you while your kid was baptized, sees you as a good Christian man and father, says you are not worthy of equal time with your kids. This is also harder to swallow when you walk into a court room and a Judge tells you how he or she is a Christian or even a pastor in their church, that you as a good Christian man should not have equal custody of your kids while berating you for speaking out against the injustice of what your ex wife is trying to do to you and your kids. People can call themselves Christians but its their behavior that determines what they actually are as people. You can say you have taken God as your savior, attend church every week, and feel good that you will now end up in heaven while still behaving deceptively as the devil wants you to on a day to day basis. Add a position of power or a black robe to the equation and you wonder why any man would think he could call his pastor and expect help in a divorce or child custody situation.
Churches do not want conflict. They know people will get sick and die. They know people will fall on hard financial times. These things can all be prayed about and solved mentally with a good bible verse to justify a persons current situation. There are even members in a church who the pastor calls on to stroke a check for church needs. Lets hope these deep pocket individuals dont need help. These people probably know to look elsewhere when they do. Most church members are not woke to the real world. They live in their bubble and their pastor is just a reflection of them providing a prayer or brief meeting when things happen in life that they cannot cope with. This does not mean they are bad people or your pastor does not care. I value the role they play and if you are a Christian you should as well. I have a pastor who I listen to online for 2 hours every week. My favorite podcasts are christian based. I know what is inside my soul. However I would never give anyone advice to rely on your pastor for help when it comes to a divorce and child custody issue. You likely aren't lucky to have such a man as a Pastor. With rare exception they cannot help you and will push you out the door if you try to talk to them. There are good ones that will give you time and real world perspective. These top level pastors are rare and very valuable. I'm still trying to find this type of church that makes me want to go on Sundays to interact with him and the people that are members of his church. Like a woman who can be a good wife and mother through the good times and bad, these pastors and your church community can be a god send to a positive life with an understanding of how religion matters for you and your kids. Finding the wife and the pastor who are what you would hope they appear to be are rare.
When you split up with your spouse, trying to get support from your pastor or a religious explanation will only cause you more despair. This is a time to put religion aside but still pray for strength. Your pastor wont know what to do. Too many will give a vibe telling you to get away from them and come back when you settle everything but don't forget to keep the offering coming in. This can push you away from the church. The two times I saw real tragedy in my life was with my divorce and the death of my sister., I saw what my Pastor did and how they handled me and my parents. Its get away, I cant help you, and get over it. When my sister was killed at age 16 in a car accident and I saw how my parents were shunned by our church and told to get over it, my perspective on church and its meaning changed drastically. Why would I tell my Pastor that my spouse was an addict and wrote thousands of pages of sexual fan fiction with characters named after Harry Potter characters and other characters named after my own daughters while ignoring me while I provided for my family with my hard work? He does not want to help becuase he cant. He is a good man just not an experienced one who knows how to think outside his religious training. He does not want to talk about why my sister had to die at age 16. Its lets say a prayer, put some cash in the plate, and see you next week. That is church for most people and people go to church because that is how they were raised. They don't ask for anything else other than a place to go worship with friendly, even if too often fake Christians. When there are no tragedies or difficulties, for the average person it is a great and important place. Real world issues are rarely addressed other than by individuals you know who have lived life outside the church walls or who rely on more than their church to get answers.
If you are a christian or religious based individual, as you go through these issues, take yourself away from your church. You need to surround yourself with more worldly people who have experienced life. This might be a friend who goes to your church, but its rarely your pastor. Don't go near your church for awhile. Don't get cynical about your christian beliefs however because if they matter, they should still matter after divorce. You need men, strong men, who have been through the process and can give you real world answers.
Something to think about as you pick up the phone to call your pastor because your christian wife wants all your money and wants you to see your children 2 days a month despite you being a good husband and father. While the answers to many things come from God, things such as divorce and child custody do not so proceed accordingly.
No matter how often I may relive my own hellish experience with divorce, child custody, and the family court system, combined with the stories of men my age and younger who are getting divorced and fighting for custody of their children, with the world pretty much going to shit and change to social interaction coming faster than a simp can swipe right on a dating site, I still look for the good of the experience and remind my clients and men contemplating divorce, that things can actually be much worse.
Imagine being a 25-30 year old man with a good job or college degree(or both), a clear path to financial success, a great personality with a hop in your step that only comes with youth, and you want to get married and have a family like your parents did and what most of those around you do or atleast try. I remember being this guy 20-25 years ago, before there was social media and dating sites. It was still hard to find a woman who you not only wanted to be with in that way, but who also wanted to be with you, have a family, raise children, and hopefully feel some level of happiness and achievement. This was before we had all this information about who actually gets married and the other information that was just starting be easily obtainable on the internet. Men and women still met mostly in person and not unanimously on a dating site. Interaction with a potential mate was rare and we put the time in to get to know someone. We werent so quick to walk away because you could go home and swipe for a new woman. Despite the set up of the times, it was still hard for most men to find a wife without dating down and as we pushed toward 30 and beyond, we had to ask ourselves many things before we ended up going down a path we never planned for or thought would not apply because we had it all going for us. The women should be everywhere we look and seeing our quality while matching it with theirs.
What men did not realize at that time and many dont understand today is that it is hard for a man to get a wife and have children. While a wife may not be the dream of life, having children is for 95% of men. This desire to reproduce and be a parent causes men to continue to try and meet women no matter how much resistance we get and how much age, time, and results discourages us to keep trying. While having children does not require marriage, most men, atleast in the white community, dont interact with women so they can have kids without the wife. It happens but its not part of our makeup and still is not today despite marriage being a bad deal for men. The desire for kids is that strong. What also has not changed is the statistic that 80% of women reproduce with 20% of men in this country. Think about that. If 90% of men want kids and only 20% of men get to have kids, there are a lot of childless men out there with many of them lying to themselves about it not being a big deal while hiding their depression about it. Women face the same problems and any woman who does not get to have kids and wants them is going to be more damaged than the man who faces the same problem as she ages. A woman can get married and have kids(assuming no health issues) any time she wants. As with men, she does not want to settle and wants to be with someone she feels is worthy. However, men must date down to get a woman in most cases while women will only date up. Women wont even date an equal. It creates a huge problem for men who bare the burden of the chase, the costs that come with it, and the hypergamus nature of women who can go from wanting to marry and have kids with you to making up whatever excuses she wants to leave you or be with a higher value man.
Fast forward and today, it is almost the cool thing to say you are MGTOW or redpilled before you are even 25 years old. How is that good for the success of any culture and society. Men are taught the nature of women and witness it right in front of their face through dating sites and social media. Its hard to argue with men who advocate this for other men because marriage is not a great bargain. That being said, men still want kids and families and the men lecturing us on being MGTOW or redpilled have kids and that experience. Even if their experience leads to good advice, its hard to listen to someone talk about it while also mentionng their kid. We are stuck and the difficulties of getting this experience in life is not as guaranteed for young men today. This might be the price we pay for information because we are shown how women behave and men are more open to sharing their experiences. Men are literally walking away from any attempt to live the life we always assumed was normal. Families dont exist any longer. Divorce is up as are the number of bastard children in the white community. The lack of families used to be a joke laughed about against the black community. This problem is moving to the white culture where our birth rate is continuously going down. Western Europe and Japan do not make enough children to continue their culture. The muslims and africans dont have this problem and will own Europe in 50 years. Japan will die off. The USA will be South Africa at some point depending on how long it takes the black race to kill of the whites faster than it kills its own while scaring the whites that remain to bow down to them out of guilt. If you dont understand what I am talking about turn on your television and go on You Tube. White people are checking out of society and that makes it tough for a young man who did everything right to be in the top 20% to find a wife and have a family. In a society where women use dating sites and social media to get more attention than even the most insecure starved ones can handle, their only need for marriage is to use it as a contract to make themselves rich the moment they choose to end it. If you cant put her in that position, she wont marry you. The end result is a man must date down and take what he can get if he wants a family and kids.
So why do I mention all of this? Ill tell you why....
I continue to meet men who are 40-50 are faced with divorce and a fight over their children, some of them often very young. Most of them dont want the divorce. 80% of them are filed by the women and for the remaining 20%, the woman behaved so bad that the man had no choice but to leave. She stayed not to look like the bad guy or because it was in her financial interests to stick around. I left my wife. I didnt want to be divorced. However I had self respect. She would have stayed for as long as necessary to improve her payout. I left to minimize the damage. The men that do leave their wife voluntarily when the wife does nothing to deserve him leaving or who does not want to leave is less than 5%. There is nothing good about it. Marriage is for women in every aspect except when it comes to a man wanting to be a father.
As bad as that is, I ask these men would they rather be going through this hell and fighting over their kids or having to go back to being 30 but living in todays world trying to find a wife and have kids. None of them would would chose todays option. They are lucky to have their kids. They got married just before things went from bad to worse in terms of how people meet and treat each other. It is the rare person who had a worse divorce than I did but I got married and had two kids. The money might be gone and the parental alienation is ongoing, but I still have them and I have a relationship with them. As hard as it was to get divorced, I am still on the side of being glad I got married and had kids. I know how hard it was for me in to find a family opportunity 20-30 years ago and the reason I married the person I did really does not matter. I still got to do it. I got in just under the finish line of time and the advent of the change from in person dating to where online meeting has devalued people, marriage and family. This is the case for most of the men I meet now and I remind them of how they are a dying breed. They all hate their wives, but they to a person would not want to be 25-30 and trying to create a family.
As marriages reduce and there are less children being born, combined with the information out there telling men not marry, the future of society is going to go from lawyers like me trying to help men save their assets and get access to their children in a family court owned by liberals and man hating judges, to a society where men are 40-50 years old and have no family or kids. The top level men will always have access to women and have kids if they choose, but the men who are above average but not top 15-20% are going to face a real dilemma. They know it because it is shoved in their face as soon as they start looking for misery because a girl they dated in college had no desire to marry them. The marijuana use and porn addiction starts young and has taken men who would make good husbands 50 years ago and men who would still try 20 years ago, to men who become sloths and live in their parents basement or under the thumb of a single mom.
Men are going to go from dealing with divorce issues to the issues of loneliness and addictions as they hit middle age and they no longer live in the USA they saw and remembered, if only briefly as kids. These men who say they are free, have plenty of money, pump and dump women, all because they are single and never married or have kids like they have some good life are lying to themselves. There is no doubt in todays society that marriage is not a game you want to play, but if you learn how to navigate it, it can benefit you with children before you are destroyed financially. Men who are able to marry will be taught how to control the narrative of it but that is for another discussion and maybe a review of prior posts on this blog.
When I explain all this indepth to men who are now facing a shock divorce and all the issues that destroy your psyche, I try to put some positivity on it. Be glad you got to do it and have some kids. Value the relationships with your children. Dont speak to a horrible wife just because she is their mother. Better yourself and appreciate what you have. There are many young men today will never get to have children and the odds that were already stacked against them are only going to get worse. In 10-20 years they wont be talking to professionals about divorce, they will be taking to professionals to help them with depression over a life wasted and unfulfilled. For as bad as women behave in relationships, I d rather take my chances and be glad that I got to have certain experiences over what most young men are now facing.
Divorce is a bunch of hurdles that you have to get over. Some are easier than others. Once you are over them, time helps the memories and anger fade away. Some of these hurdles are monthly reminders of the injustice mostly men face, even when they are married to a career woman who manages to achieve and earn while you are married. The injustice of it all is a reminder why so many women try to keep men from getting equal custody of their kids, even when these women are working full time jobs and even making more than their soon to be ex husband.
When I was getting divorced, my ex was a stay at home mom. She was college educated and very attractive. Even if you thought she was lazy and liked the stay at home life, she had an education and in demand assets that would allow her to get a job and grow her career without much effort. She had a job when we got married and even when she got pregnant with our first child, her employer did everything for her so she could work from home after her baby was born. Its not like her paycheck went into a joint checking account as what I earned was ours and what she earned was hers. Despite this set up and a husband who didnt want to rock the boat by asking her where her money went each month while his earnings were used to pay for the household bills, she still decided it was too much work to keep her job and work from home. She was planning ahead. She knew if a divorce came, she could cry to the court that she was a dependent spouse meaning more child support from me, the increased likelihood of alimony, and most important to her, the easier it would be to hurt me financially and keep me from my kids.
As I have discussed in prior posts, while the court gave me equal custody because she wrote volumes of fan fiction porn with graphic sexually tones and with characters named after her daughters, it did not help my child support situation like it should have. Because she was smart enough to make herself a dependent spouse, the court took pity on her and did not allocate any income to her for four years when child support was being calculated. Once you understand how child support is calculated, if one spouse has no income calculated on their side of the column, no matter what custody arrangement exists, the other spouse is paying more each month. Not being forced to work or earn an income for four years, but instead being allowed to get a new education for a new career at her leisure while I paid for her entire life, on top of the lump sum she was paid, is just one example of the injustices men face as the likely primary earner. Now that she is working, dont think that changes things as I still pay significant child support(the alimony payments have expired) every month despite having equal custody of my daughters. These monthly payments are not needed to make sure my daughters have the same things at both parents houses, but is simply money going in to her pocket because I decided to leave a marriage where I was mistreated.
But this post isnt about my situation. I just bring it up so you can see the extremes that exist and why men often end up so destroyed financially and emotionally after the custody battle, one where they lose more often than not even when the mother is no better a parent than the father.
While my ex does not make 100k a year now that she is working, lets talk about a woman who does. She and her husband broke up. The husband made the biggest mistake in the world which was soon after splitting he, with the encouragement of his lawyer, who just wanted a quick pay day with little to no fight, signed a custody agreement giving primary custody to his wife. The wife wasnt about to offer him equal custody. As with most situations, where both parents are working full time, a divorce can often mean lots of babysitters and difficulty for the kids especially if they are younger. The court system too often favors the woman in this situation and lawyers will often tell their male clients that its pointless to fight for equal as its just a waste of money because you are probably going to lose. Save your money, maybe get some concessions on child support, and let the wife work out the babysitting on her time, especially if she has a flexible job. This is simply a mistake for the mans mental health as while it may seem easy to do, once it is in place a man sees every month the mistake he made as he sees his kids only every other weekend and writes a check to an ex who in this case makes more money than he does. Once this custody order is in place giving primary custody to one spouse it is very hard to change unless the kids get to a certain where their opinion might have some sway on a judge during a motion to modify custody. Even in the best of circumstances, once a kid gets used to certain custody schedule, it is hard to get them to ask to change it even if they love being with the parent with the lesser time and that parent is a great father. It is heartbreaking to see this and why I tell every man never to sign an agreement with a woman that gives him less than equal custody of his kids. If you fight it and the Judge refuses equal custody, you will be able to tell your kids when they are older that you fought for them and can tell a judge at a later hearing to change custody that you actually fight and dont roll over when things get tough.
When the man in this case signed over primary custody of his young kids, he soon learned how this affected him, but to his credit, he kept a positive attitude and maximized every minute with his kids. I dont know that I could do that. As great a father as I am, this man is even more enthusiastic about his time with his kids and goes above and beyond while he faces hurdles in his professional life that make finances not consistent in terms of stability and income. As a self employed person I can totally relate as the check is still due each month and he is sending it to an ex who does not need it while she takes great joy seeing his money go into her pocket and hoping that everything he has financially gets destroyed or taken from him. These women want you homeless and mentally broken. They think you are mentally broken the minute they get primary custody. The alienation is often direct but always subtle.
The system is so broken and it is so important that you do everything you can to get equal custody of your kids. This man who allowed his wife to have primary custody makes money with his business but he puts in significant hours trying to keep it afloat. His ex wife in her job makes over 100k per year. She is in their marital home and the kids are with her 75% of the time. Her life hasnt changed other than she got rid of a man she didnt want. Who cares who filed or initiated the divorce. Its the women 80% of the time and 90% of the other 20% its the woman who wants to play victim and drives the man to file when he prefers to be married and raise a family. Despite the fact she makes enough on her own to give her kids a fine life, her husband, who makes less money than her, must send her child support every month. She makes over 100k per year, he makes less, and he has to send her money. Let that sink in for a minute. While she might have more expense because of the kids time being more with her, this is a woman who even years after the man stupidly agreed to less than equal custody, refuses to give the kids equal time with their dad. She resisted his motion to change custody to equal and now the mans teenage son is being raised primarily by a mom who hates men and simply cannot give her son what his dad can. This is child abuse of a young man and ongoing mental abuse to the father all without ramifications. If you call this behavior out in a court hearing, the Judge will shut you down. She does not refuse equal custody of her teenage kids because dad is a bad guy or bad father, its done simply out of spite and hate she has for a man that left her. The court system provides no help. The kids suffer and the man struggles financially every month while seeing very little of his kids. You dont get this time back. Men do not keep kids from a mom out of spite or for the love of money. Women will and they do it with the full blessing of the court because we operate in a system that says this is how things must work. The man will always bear the burden of society and child rearing even when the woman is successful in her career and makes plenty of money. A good father and good man has been deprived of equal time with his kids because he got bad advice during a time of stress where he paid thousands of dollars to a lawyer who didnt help him and because the ex wife pushed things knowing she had the power of the State behind her.
Both of these extremes are the norm in divorce and child custody. Whether you divorced a stay home dependent spouse or a career woman who makes plenty of money, these women can and will try to keep you from your kids and if you do not fight for equal time, you will have a harder time getting it in the future, and no matter how much money she makes, you are going to pay her child support. While many couples understand there is nothing to fight over and divorce and child custody issues are resolved quickly and inexpensively despite the animosity that still exists, there are people, especially women, where no matter the facts, who want the mans head on a platter because he decided he was not going to stick around in a mentally abusive relationship. Even if the man was at fault for the divorce, there is no reason to punish the kids when the man is a good father.
If you are dealing with this type of woman, it is important to understand why you fight rather than roll over. You need a lawyer who will help you see what needs to be seen even when you cant because of the emotional turmoil you are facing over the loss of your money and the access to your kids.
Make this choice wisely gentlemen.
Whenever a man goes through the dissolution of a relationship, he wants someone he can relate to in order to feel he isnt alone or to help him understand that his soon to be ex wife is not the only horrible human being out there. It helps if your story can match someones who seems to be a quality guy.
When I was going through my divorce and child custody battle, I wanted someone I could relate to because I was sad, angry, full of uncertainty, and wanted someone with my mindset and sense of humor to feel what I felt. I didnt care to hear from dudes who were not good men, cheated on their wives, or who didnt earn and consistently take care of his family. Almost every man I found things with them that made it clear they were the cause of the divorce. Some of these men were even married to decent women who did all the things I wanted my wife to do, which was very little. This search continued because we all want people who dont know us men to see that these women we marry seem so appealing on the outside, yet their behavior, motives, and character lead us down a path where we get financially and emotionally destroyed all while trying just to maintain equal time with our kids.
Men I give you Jay Cutler. i think I may have found the poster child for why I want to teach young men to make better choices and understand how women treat us especially when they are appealing to us like his wife might appear to be to those young men without mentors or who simply want some eye candy for a wife.
I try to stay knowledgeable on sports and the people involved in it even if I am not a fan of the team or circles they run in. The men in this world get so much so young and attract the women that even top shelf professional men cant begin to see. This can be good and bad. I knew who Jay Cutler was because there are only so many NFL QB jobs and add in to the fact his personality is kind of dry and he was often maligned as a teammate right or wrong. This is a guy who is good looking, made millions as an NFL QB, and is clearly smart on some level with highly desirable Vanderbilt education. His parents are the kind of people that can provide the love and support that is real and genuine in a southern kind of way. They ares smart and raised a good son. They remind me of my parents. You can spot quality. It does not mean you know them.
Being a proponent of marrying young and having your kids early for a variety of reasons, on the surface it would seem like Jay did things right. He found himself a beautiful wife who for all her faults is articulate and has some sense of drive even if she is an attention whore and represents the nature of hypergamous women as well as anyone. Her personality and looks can cause most men to overlook or not see how she is as a person. When a man makes millions at a young age, in many ways he is at a disadvantage because while he will have access to certain types of women and if he makes a mistake or does not protect himself, he can be stuck with years of child support and lose a lot of his assets.
I do not watch reality TV for a variety of reasons. I am aware of who Jays wife is and her reality show. As news of their divorce came out, you pay attention to see what happened. Here is a successful good looking guy with a great sense of humor and no desire to be in the limelight divorcing his pretty wife in their 30s with three small kids. This shows you that no matter when you marry and how great a guy you are, you are likely getting a divorce. Most men in their early 30s have minimal money and if they are going to be successful it will usually come later in life. If you had your kids early, they age out of child support and you are dividing miminal assets with your ex wife. Jay is the exception from a money standpoint and his youth, but he is a prime example of what men 10 years older need to learn and see what will likely to happen to them by their 40s when they are at their peak earning years of may have a wife who starts to earn money at a older age, even if it is nowhere near what you earn.
Are you sitting there asking yourself if you are Jay Cutler while you decide when the best time to get divorced or wondering why your wife suddenly wants a divorce despite you seemingly at your peak with earning or assets saved.
Lets look at this situation a little closer so you men can see your path that is now Jays....
He got the attention of a woman because he was a high status in the spotlight NFL QB. His wife, Kristin Cavallari, didnt want anything to do with him at first. She turned it around once she saw how she could use him to further her career. She was a zlist reality star and known when meeting him, but she wasnt making tons of money or had much of a career. In steps Jay and his millions. She used his money to buld her own clothing business. She used his contacts to meet the right people. She made sure she had her kids. He paid for it all and worked his ass off. She did what she wanted when she wanted all while enjoying her kids early years. When they were together, she demeaned him with her rolls of the eyes and insults that she thought flew under the radar. His laid back nature turned into sarcasm. As his NFl career wound down and she used his money to build things that she wanted, things turned. She became more arrogant and he was simply tired out. He worked hard and provided for his family and was not appreciated. She wanted nothing to do with his friends and built her own network of people Jay likely wanted nothing to do with. Her friends and their needs mattered more to her than he did.
Then came the reality show...VERY CAVALLARI...basically a show about the life of a behind the scenes guy with looks, wit, and a good personality and his attention seeking wife. It was about her friends and attempts at branding all built of the back of his NFL earnings. Her looking down at him was for the world to see. He dealt with it with indifference and sarcasm like so many of us do. He wanted a family and a wife who admired and respected him for what he did to take care of them. She wanted more attention. Things werent getting better and he knew he was stuck. Their personalities, which should feed off each other to create a great relationship and the building of business and family were instead a picture of a man no longer needed by his wife. He was done as an NFL player and wanted to be with his kids while she did her thing. She wanted the kids and for him to do what she wanted on demand. He was a child in her mind no longer a man whose brand or status could be used to get her to a higher level.
In the real world, these things are not so obvious. Here you are as a man doing it all. You are taking care of your family. Over time your wife isnt interested in you. You werent allowed to quit on being a provider or taking care of her, but when she was ready she could quit on you. This quitting could be subtle or it could be in your face. She is openly paying attention to others. She is spending more time with these people or living on a computer. She would rather be with them than you. Maybe she wants to take your money and savings and build her own little business. It does not take millions like what Cavallari has access to with Jay but its still money you made. She has opportunity because you handled your business right. If your wife isnt ignoring you, she is making fun of you behind your back, making snide remarks about you in front of others. If you escalate or call her out you are labled as angry and impossible to be around only furthering a divide that started soon after she had the last kid.
Now the divorce is here for him and he will pay.....
The money he earned was spent to fund their lifestyle. She contributed little to nothing. Yes having the kids is important and she maybe wasnt able to earn money like she wanted, but she wasnt going to anything on the level near what he was doing. Its just like your wife. The high level of income goes away with the retirement or maybe a business failure. Your wife is doing her thing and maybe shes meeting new men including men who make the same or more than you. Even an NFL QB can be the victim of hypergamy just like you probably are. She has the look and knows how to act to get what she wants. You are now going to divide the assets that she didnt spend. You wont get any of her earnings once you split up. You will be lucky to get equal custody of your kids. Maybe Jay had a prenup and maybe it will be upheld, but either way, she married him and spent his money when it was clear, even after three kids, she didnt like or admire him. It may be because Jay wouldnt kiss her ass. Jay isnt afraid of losing her because she is not on his team. No matter how this turns out, he gave that woman a life she never would have had and now she gets an unfair amount of the assets and is divorcing a man who no longer makes what brought her to him. It is quite a kick in the teeth for a good man like Jay Cutler. Divorce is tough at any age and to see a woman get so much when she contributed so little leaves a man helpless and frustrated. I can only imagine to have made all those millions and watch a woman who used you spend it. She will have a new man soon after you break up because she looks like she does. Jay will certainly be fine when it comes to company, but what about you? If you are in your 40s facing this and you dont look like you did when you were 30, its tough to see all you worked for taken because you no longer what to be around a bad woman no matter how pretty she is.
If you are sitting there wondering where it all went wrong, understand that even top level guys like Jay are not enough for the type of woman like Cavallari. They are the forbidden fruit that most strong men will get involved with knowing that they are not going to be loved and respected on a sincere level in most cases. Once you are there the fight and custody scheduling will only make things worse.
As a man, you need to get ahead of this and be in control of these situations. While you are young learn what to do with your money. Understand the discrepancy in what each partner brings to the table and protect what is yours. Watch how a pretty woman will demean a man who does not do or say what she wants. If you dont take her crap, it will end sooner rather than later. Have your exit strategy prepared long in advance and pray that beautiful girl you managed to score might be the rare one who will be your life partner.
So many men are Jay Cutler and to see his divorce play out in the public eye is a blessing. We need to learn how to take women like Cavallari and be in charge of them. Jay failed as most men do. His deferrential personality combined with his money attracted a narcicist and control freak like Cavallari. They were a match until he stopped playing along. Does that sound familiar. When you no longer provide something for her, she becomes openly disinterested and disrespectful because she knows she has the upperhand in any divorce proceeding.
I am a big Jay Cutler fan and wish him the best. He reminds me of my marriage except my wife wouldnt dare build a business because it required work. She only went to work once the free money wore out. Jay is on a differnet level obviously from a financial standpoint but the result is the same. We as men need to educate each other because this stuff will go on. Maybe Jay's personality will help him mask his pain but a man worth his salt cannot let any women control his life.
If you arent sure what all this means or if your wife treats and uses you like Cutlers wife does, then watch the episodes and learn it as a using tool. Learn to recognize how women like her are.
We are all Jay Cutler.
A mans value to a woman is based on his ability or willingness to provide for her financially. Even if you are a high value man from a financial standpoint, it does not shield you from a woman's hypergamus nature or her ability to seek attention elsewhere. With rare exception, no man can meet the needs of a woman to the point where she will show the type of respect and admiration he requires to make the relationship last even on a superficial level. When a man shows vulnerability or are not meeting her financial needs, her behavior becomes more open and you have to decide how you are going to handle this lack of respect.
No matter how manly or how good looking you appear on the outside, if your financial situation is bad, your girlfriend or wife is not happy and her eyes are always on the lookout for a better man. This does not mean she will leave you the minute a richer guy shows an interest in her, but you will see and feel her lack of satisfaction almost daily even if she is physically afraid of you. Depending on how you carry yourself, she may be looking openly for attention from other men or she may be doing it behind your back. She is looking and she will leave or cheat. Its just a matter of when. If she has kids with you, it may be a little more difficult and while she may be with you from a dating standpoint, she does not respect you. Men who do poorly financially don't recognize this behavior until it is too late. His woman has likely cheated or leaves him without him even being aware she had these plans. She may have liked you when you were young or new and you had characteristics that got her attention in the moment. She may have married you for a variety of reasons but as time passes, her disdain for you becomes more open. You likely don't have the confidence to do anything about it and don't think you can do better. You know leaving means your minimal living lifestyle because you are barely paying bills will change to an even worse situation further destroying your mental and financial health. This is why domestic violence and divorce is higher in lower socioeconomic relationships. Women's poor treatment of men causes the low earning insecure man to do things that make his problems worse or suffer because financially he has no control. Its rare that a poorer man is forced to make a decision to leave his wife or girlfriend because of her behavior when he is not successful. The woman usually does it sooner rather than later.
Being a successful man is actually a curse when it comes to women starting with the significant financial inequities in a relationship. If you enter in to a marriage and don't have kids with her, then you are even stupider as she will eventually get paid for providing you nothing. These men face the same problems as poorer men in that his wife or girlfriend is still looking for attention elsewhere and the disrespect is still likely there because women cannot be satisfied. The problem for the more successful man is that women who are with him are even better at hiding their behavior and are not likely to leave as soon. Successful men mistakenly think that because they are high value and provide a woman everything she needs that he is immune to having a wife or girlfriend who will cheat, disrespect him, or just behave badly day to day while he does all he can to build and maintain his financial empire. Becoming a successful man who takes care of a family and provides a wife with a nice, often stay at home lifestyle, is not easy. It is constant work with failure or loss always just around the corner. Women don't care because if you cant provide for her, she will likely find another man who can because she is good looking. No woman who is attractive or has giant breasts will ever lack a man no matter how badly she treats the men she interacts with in life. You can meet a woman who is gorgeous yet has been divorced 2-3 times before age 40 and she still has men trying to date her or even marry her simply because of her looks. Unattractive women will always say that men deserve the bad behavior they face from these pretty women because we choose our mates based on how they look while ignoring their character. This may be true but that is for another conversation. Successful men have access to pretty women and we make our decisions accordingly. Its a fact of life. Once these decisions are made, you still have to face her behavior and women know what the ramifications are if you decide to stand up to them or even leave.
Are you the man who is doing everything right that would allow you to have a great wife and family yet you are now contemplating divorce because your wife is behaving badly? You are going to work and achieving. Hopefully you haven't made the mistake of sharing your vulnerabilities with your wife because you are human who isn't always going to dominate life. She isn't going to lift you up and likely does not care. All she cares about is the families balance sheet and the appearance she gives off to her often low end friends who place her on a pedestal. As you work through the ups and downs of your professional life, even if you are still being a boss, your wife is still getting bored with you. She is getting attention because she is pretty. It might be at the gym she goes to after she drops off your kids at the private school. It may be the online meet up groups she joins because she has nothing to do all day and cleaning a house or helping with the yard is below her. She may also be the type of woman who is making friends online where she shares her sexual fantasies and talks dirty to strangers. She isn't coming to your office for lunch or wanting to meet up with you for sex in the middle of the day. You have slowly become an afterthought. She may greet you at home after work with a "Hi, how was your day" in a sultry voice looking as good as ever standing next to your perfect looking kids, but she gives you less attention than the credit card bill you slowly open showing how much she spends each month. Shes giving everyone else attention because you aren't there and she is a woman. Five years turns into ten turns into fifteen and its only the people she interacts with that changes while you grind it out in misery watching your life go away. She is so tired from her day or her late night computer activities that she isn't going to be the sexy wife you see in front of you or thought you married. Shes still acting sexy, just not with you.
How much time has passed for you seeing this day to day behavior by your wife? You are being faithful and ignoring the women who flirt with you at work or in public because you aren't the type of man to cheat on or disrespect your wife or family. Your wife isn't going to leave you unless it benefits her financially. No matter how pretty she is, if shes aged a bit or has a couple of kids, and you are making bank, she isn't going to find a richer man who will make her life noticeably better. Instead she will stay with you until the kids are grown and your 401k or real estate portfolio is bursting and she can take half or more and not have to work again. The Gray divorce is a nightmare but the longer you wait to take action, the more you will likely face it because she wants your money more than you as you get older. Divorce or a loveless marriage is inevitable for about 80% of people who do it so its best to escape young rather than think things will get better. They wont.
Your wife's bad behavior is right in front of you and you recognize it. Most men do nothing making up all sorts of excuses. The day to day activities, the secret conversations or texts on her hidden cell phone are more easily seen. Her sexual activities online or even in person with men you don't even know about have replaced the sex she used to give you. She cant hide the lies and deception because there are so many of them which have only increased in time. This causes her to drink more or increase her depression medication. She knows the divorce laws and it only emboldens her because she has kids and you have done well. The ball is in your court. Do you stay and keep working hard earning more and more or do you leave her now and face the consequences now knowing what you will lose? It is a no win situation but at some point your own peace of mind and self respect have come before money. While you will lose a lot of money when you divorce as a successful man, your job is to minimize the loss and accept the fact that is the trade for being able to marry a pretty big breasted woman that other men think they want to be with and show their envy when the see you with her even if they know your wife is a horrible person who disrespects her husband and marriage because has poor character and cant be content. You hope you can salvage a relationship with your kids as having them is the only reason any many should marry.
I faced this dilemma and instead of staying in a loveless sexless marriage where I was disrespected to the point she didn't even hide it because she didn't think I had the courage to leave because she was beautiful and we had two young kids. I could have stayed and been miserable and waited 15 years for the kids to age out. She wasn't going to divorce me until the time was right as long as she could get away with her behavior. Whether I could catch her cheating didnt change anything. She had long ago ceased being a wife. The disrespect and contempt for me for being a nice provider type man was only going to get worse. Attention from me didn't matter. She wanted attention from other men and female friends who would just fawn over her and her perfect looking kids. These women also wanted her marriage to fail since they were also failed miserable women. My wife couldn't see past the attention. Women like my wife divorce their successful husbands when we are older and this is the most painful type of divorce. I saw my future. Most men stay in these bad marriages until the wife decides to leave them or until they die knowing as they take their last breath that the wife does not care, you cant do anything about it, and her first call following your death is to your life insurance company.
I somehow found the courage to leave my wife after only 8 years of marriage and two young kids. The process was heartbreaking and the court system was not my friend. The money lost was off the charts. The parental alienation I faced was just as bad. I was made to pay because I ended it on my terms not hers. She didn't think I had the courage to do it because I was a quiet man who let most things go, even her bad behavior. It is a process I didn't want but my self respect had some value over the money I had to give her despite her addictions and disrespect to our marriage. As bad it was, with all these years to reflect, and now that I have progressed into middle age, it was much better than it would have been had I stayed married for 18 or 28 years. I made the right decision.
If you are a man facing a similar situation and you see what is going on, talk to a lawyer who has lived it. Get advice regarding the pros and cons of leaving now versus staying until she decides you have made enough for her financially to leave. You will lose no matter what you choose and your wife knows that which only emboldens her behavior as time passes. She is living on her terms, not the marriages. You will will just keep working. Divorce is about minimizing the financial and emotional damage.
Ill teach you how to make the right decision and get the courage that you don't think you have but know you must get.
Be honest with yourself and take some action. You aren't getting any younger.
I am sure most of you have been sitting at home because your employer has shut down the company you work for or your business simply cannot function because of state mandated orders. If you are lucky enough to go to work, you are likely earning less than you were before the state started trying to enact martial law. As someone who goes to work just to keep a schedule and some sense of normalcy, income and business is down. As bad as my situation is, there are people out there who are really hurting and businesses are being shut down for a variety of reasons. Even people who store food and try to save for emergencies are seeing their personal and professional resources being quickly depleted. While the loss of lives to a virus is sad, it is part of life and to see people I know and my country's strong economy destroyed by our own actions and poor decision making is a real tragedy. If you think you are bad off, take a step back and realize the number of people whose lives are forever altered when it was not necessary. The fact we are acting like sheep is scary and I applaud the people who are still doing all they can to work while also acting smart in terms of interaction and taking care of their own health and those they care about.
While all of this is going on, the government is saying people who qualify will get $1,200.00 or some other amount. When this will happen, how little this will help most people, and what happens next we don't know, but one of the caveats of getting a check is just another reminder of how society and the court system has discarded men and eliminated any reason to get married much less have a traditional marriage and children. Did you know that if you owe back child support, you are not eligible for this check? You cant even get the money applied to your back child support so your children can get it. If you are a man who has lost his job in this mess, you still have to send your child support check. The court system has shut down and men, who pay 90% of the child support in this country, and who rarely are granted equal custody in court decided custody cases, are bearing the financial burden of the problems of the world and in families that are broken through no fault of their own. While evictions might be deferred and power companies ordered not to shut off peoples power, which benefits the single mom reliant on child support or her job, there are no orders saying a man can skip his child support payments because he has lost his job or ordered not to go to work because of a virus that may not be causing more deaths than the flu causing society to be shut down.
This is just another reminder that if you are a married man where you are the main provider while your wife stays at home with the kids or works at her leisure, you are a dying breed. Your wife holds a hammer over your head every day that if she decides to use, she can destroy your family, cause you to lose everything you have worked for, and make you a financial slave until your kids are out of high school(in some states its colleges. yikes!!). If she decides to do this for whatever reason, the court system will support it and do all they can to support her to make her your financial equal despite the pre marriage work and efforts not being the same.
Let me give you an example.....
A man educates himself and builds a business before he gets married. He takes out student or business loans and slowly works to building it to the point where it becomes profitable. Whether it be his focus on his business or education, his slow developing confidence as a young man, or just the inability to meet someone to marry while he was doing this(the importance of marrying young and difficulty getting a young woman to give up her whoreish behavior at a young age is discussed elsewhere), if the man is traditional in his beliefs like his parents were, he is still of the mindset that he gets married, the wife stays at home with the kids, and he takes care of things while she offers the support of a wife like the mans mother did for his father. Until the court and legal system endorsed no fault marriage and adopted feminist ideals, traditional marriage was the backbone of this country and men saw how this was the best way because of the childhood they had relative to friends whose parents were never married or who were always working too much making creating a family home environment much harder. The man knew this but as smart as he was, he was not aware of the divorce laws and didn't contemplate the ramifications of a failed family life. His father never showed him because he was from the traditional generation mindset and divorce was not a part of his life. All the man knew is that he was glad his parents stayed married and had a relatively stable home life despite being of lower middle class income status. You used to not need to be rich to have a traditional family.
The man builds his business and starts to earn money. He begins paying his loans off and as luck would have it, he meets a beautiful woman he falls for who wants to be a stay at home mom and exudes traditional family and values. Her work history was spotty however and she had no real career. Maybe her motives were not genuine and she saw the man as a wallet. The man didnt care as he wanted a family and to do what his dad did which was show he can take care of a wife and kids. The woman moves into the mans home and they get married and build their family. The woman soon has a baby and tries to work a job from home and has all the support she needs from her employer and her family to watch the kid, allow her to earn, and enjoy the home life. The man continues to work hard and earns and saves money. The wife has everything she needs. She soon decides to stop working and stays at home. While the man is working, his wife does not take care of the house. It is messy and dirty and the wife does not care. The man wanting more kids is lucky enough to get another child before the wife says no more kids as its too much work. I wonder how man women with kids who also work would want her life. She was showing her husband how her hammer worked and she was using it. He wasn't going to do anything in her opinion. She knew the divorce laws as she had prior experience. The couple become distant as the man continues to earn from his hard work while still encouraging the wife to go back to school or work to get out of the house while he watches the kids. She is fully supported to improve her life. The wife instead prefers to spend her days going a gym and playing on a computer. As time passes the couple become more distant and its clear the wife gets more excited to go to the gym in the morning while someone watches her kids and when the man comes home from work, her free time is spent on a computer until 3am despite requests from the husband to come to bed earlier. Her cell phone is glued to her body. The man is a bit naive. He didn't see the obvious issues like he should have because he came from a family where mom and dad seemed to have a respectful marriage. He probably saw them and just ignored them because he didnt want his family to break up.
The man now had a successful business and was making and saving money. The wife was ignoring him completely and was spending all of her mornings at the gym and all of her evenings on the computer. Her wedding ring hadn't been on her finger since they got back from the wedding and all signs pointed to the fact she was likely having some inappropriate relationships. What can the man do about it? If he confronts the wife about her behavior he is dared to do something about it. The wife has the hammer and she is wielding it without even having to lift a finger. The man educates himself and learns that he has to give up atleast half of what he has earned since he got married(the timing of it is crazy in that he gets no credit for paying back his loans and earning no money as he built his business before he got married) and will be stuck with child support for the next 15 years plus alimony. The longer the things stay the way they are the more alimony she gets, the more the dividable assets increase, and the more the wife lives a life or leisure of computers and online and gym boyfriends. The wife also knows that if she holds out for 10 years of marriage, she gets the mans social security benefits the minute he drops dead from stress and anger at the blatant disrespect of the wife enabled by the law.
When a man is faced with this situation what is he supposed to do? Stay in the marriage and be devalued and have no physical or personal interaction while he pays for a woman to live how she wants knowing that at any time he could come home and see the house emptied and her gone or just waking up one day being told by her she wants a divorce. The other option is leave as soon as possible and cut your losses. The man decided to cut his losses(before 10 years too!!) and leave as he saw the wife stealing and hiding his things while he was at work and he had no control over his environment. His house was a pig sty and he was paying for it. She could also at any time say he assaulted her or threatened her and he was off to jail or at a further disadvantage in court for support and custody. He knew the best answer was to leave and he did it in the best way he knew how. The failure of a mentor or a lawyer to give him real advice before he left cost him significant amounts of money but he did the best he could and made the right decision to leave. He had to cut out and kill the cancer before it killed him.
After he leaves, he slowly watches all his assets go away. His wife denies him equal access to his kids and hires a lawyer to offer him 2 days a month visitation. He suffers in emotional silence. The wife plays victim and is given child support and has no income allocated to her in the calculation despite having a college degree, physical beauty, and the ability to get a job earning decent money. The husbands business also suffers due to changes in the law and the overall difficulty of it. The back and forth fight goes on for over four years over money and custody. The man ultimately wins equal custody of his kids not because he is a great man or father. He only got it because his wife was spending her life on a computer writing fan faction in massive volumes with Harry Potter characters having graphic sex and having characters named after he children. This wasn't a little story of a bored housewife with a fantasy, it was a woman so addicted to the computer and Harry Potter fantasies that she wrote thousands of pages of it and even incorporated he own small children into the stories. The man found it all and it took a giant trolley to wheel it all into the court hearing over custody that he had to go through because he wanted equal custody of his kids. The perfect housewife image was not what is appeared to be and the man discovering all these writings only affirmed his desire to leave to be right. It didn't get his money or family back however. If the man had done this stuff while being married, he would be getting supervised visits with his children and would be a laughingstock in his work place. Despite the evidence, the wife made the man go to trial to win equal custody of his kids because her lawyers told her that equal custody was not going to happen when a traditional marriage breaks up and the wife is used to being at home with the kids. Who cares that the wife had sexual fantasies and wrote stories about children all day and night for years while the man worked to take care of his family.
The court system and the wife were not done with the man even after equal custody was decided reluctantly by a judge who berated the man in court and didnt believe in equal custody. He had no choice in this case as the wife wrote child porn in massive volumes with her own kids as characters. Oh what that Judge would have done if the man had done that. The wife was allowed to go back to school and get a 2 year degree in the health care field after they gave her two years off. She did nothing for two years. She didn't work and just hung out with her gym friends, her mom friends, and her kids all while trying to alienate her kids from the dad. How she explained not getting primary custody to her family was a question the man had as they never came to any court hearing to support her because she probably didn't want her fan fiction being read in their presence. She appeared to be the perfect housewfie and mom and any talk of sex by the man openly offended her. If he only knew what she was really was. She eventually got back to school and 4 years after the marriage split up she finally got a job. Amazingly she timed this to when the alimony order ran out. Why work when you are getting alimony and a court wont allocate income to you when calculating child support. Despite equal custody time, the man still had to pay substantial money each month to the wife. She had her steady income in a field that was always going to have jobs available. The mans business was up and down and there were months where he didn't make his overhead. He still had to pay child support and deal with demands from the wife from $5.00 for school supplies to medical costs. He suffered in silence as the values of a traditional man he had and were raised with were costing him everything.
As time passed the mans business slowed and the wife continued to earn a steady income. The man could have gone back into court and asked for a reduction but when looking at the costs and how he was treated why would he want to as his character of saving would be attacked. Then the country shuts down and the mans business falls further. With the courthouse closed, he isn't going to be able to get in for a hearing to possibly get his support reduced. The wife continues to improve her income and has a steady job even when the country shuts down. She continues to alienate teen daughters trying to get them to live with her full time so she can get more money. The man is under constant threat of being hauled back into court despite one failed attempt by the wife to change the equal custody order. His daughters are learning they have their own little hammer and can threaten to go live with mom knowing it will cost the man even more money. The alienation is working and he has to see it as the kids become more defiant to dad and grandmas traditional yet very relaxed discipline. The mom has no problem with blue hair and black fingernails. The man isn't benefiting from the wifes consistent income post divorce even though he paid for her education, didnt get reimbursed for his hard work pre marriage, and had to give his assets including his house he bought before he married to his wife while she was addicted to the computer, the gym, and made him look like a fool on a daily basis.
This story may seem extreme but its real and factual. If you think your wife is this perfect woman, go check her computer and see how closely she guards her cell phone or even has a second phone to call the people that she is hiding from her husband. In addition to this man, there are many others dealing with these issues on a smaller and larger scale. The Governor of the State of North Carolina has now ordered a Statewide shutdown for non essential employees. There are men that are now losing their jobs or will be off work for awhile with no income. The temporary and permanent damage is off the charts. Its mostly men who suffer. Yes there are women who are abandoned and men who don't pay child support but you can bet the system is in place to protect these women. If a man cant work due to something like this virus stuff we are now facing, he does not get a break on his support.
Traditional marriage is gone in this country and it is a shame. These women who are now hating the fact they have to work when they realize how great it is or was to be a stay at home mom are becoming alcoholics, pill addicts, or women who try to fantasize about a world with children having sex to get away from what they think is an unfulfilled life as a housewife. We are still waiting for some men like the man described in this story to age out of the traditional marriage model. Some will suffer in silence until they die or until the kids get out of the house and some like this man will say enough is enough and walk away from horrible women who are empowered by the court system to destroy the traditional marriage model. No young man even considering marriage today has a reason to have traditional values unless he has no problem with hypergamous woman holding a hammer over his head which encourages her bad behavior.
With the bad behavior of women and the court system who supports alimony, no fault marriage, inequal custody time, and degrading of men who dare speak up in court to fight this injustice, combined with the education men are now providing each other, there will be no traditional marriage in this country. This is why we are being destroyed as a culture and society and it is solely the fault of women and the court system. Smart men who still get married will do it young only because they want kids and hopefully they will learn they need to do it young or never do it. Traditional men like the one in this story are the backbone of this country but will die out as their experiences are shared in a society where it is not so hard to find out what is going on. Any man who has married in the past 5-10 years can no longer use the excuse they were not informed of the dangers even if they themselves had no father figure or mentor or who even came from a traditional values background.
While you are worrying about this virus being used to reshape our country, think of the virus that is the court system and the women who use it to their advantage to destroy men. It isn't going to be fixed and we are now a society where divorce and broken families are the norm and people who stay married for life are looked at with curiosity today the way people who got divorced 50-60 years ago were shamed by society.
Tread carefully men and don't be the guy in this story.
Are you one the rare men who is already divorced and had a trial to win equal custody? You had to face parental alienation the day you chose to end your marriage because you married a despicable woman. You were lucky enough to obtain information on your wife before or during the divorce process that you could use in court to get equal custody of younger children knowing that if such information was against you, your custody would be limited to weekends or even supervised visits. During this whole process, despite you being a top notch man and father, you had to watch your ex do all she could to keep you from your kids while putting thoughts in their head that made it harder for you to bond with them as they grew up. This was done with full support of the courts and no ramifications for a mother who tried to alienate kids from a good dad simply to get a custody schedule that maximizes her support payments. The injustice of having to pay a woman child support despite equal custody when she is educated and works aside, if she can get you on the every other weekend schedule she would get even more. These women are simply about revenge, greed, and parental alienation and despite this you have managed to overcome all these disadvantages, win equal custody, and build a relationship with your kids.
Do you think this is an end to your involvement in family court? Do you think your ex will accept 50% custody when all her friends have primary even if you are still paying child support because you are a successful man and she is a leech who can achieve nothing on her own. Although she gets a job after doing nothing while you were married it does not make her a successful or equal person in the courts eyes. She is a dependent spouse and will play the victim card until the day your kids age out of the system. The minute that Order came down from a reluctant Judge giving you equal custody after thousands of dollars were spent on lawyers, your ex is plotting to take the custody back simply because she wants more money and because she does not want you having a relationship with your kids because you refused to be in a bad relationship with her.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"..even if she was the one who actually scorned you(fixed it for you Mr. Congreve)
While kids have little to no say in their custody until they are about 13-14 years old, even after you defeated the wife in court by getting equal custody of your kids(do you see how dumb that statement is ie you won because you got equal when it should be automatic), she is going to work on the kids in any way possible to the point where once they become able to have a say in their custody, the alienation being so strong, they will come to you and say they want to live with mom despite all that you provide them materially, emotionally, intellectually, in an overall environment 99% of the kids on the planet, especially those from broken homes, would die for. You have spent years fighting two fronts in your battle to have a relationship with your kids and to reduce the financial exploitation of men that is the family court system. You are now going to fight a third front, your own children.
Teenagers are a difficult bunch. We know from the personal experience of having been one. Some of them become allies of their parents and are like an added hand to strengthen the family as parents age. Others, especially those from divorce, rebel and cause problems for their parents while also damaging themselves. It is hard enough to raise one when both parents are still together and supporting each other. There is still a chance they will do something to harm themselves or realize they aren't going to be good at sports or other social interactions which cause them to need added emotional and financial support because they feel inferior. Some are just lazy and use people because they watch how others in society do it and see what their mother did to their father. Why work when you can get married, live off a man, and after divorce, get a paycheck from the man for past services he never even received such as a clean house or regular sex.
When a strong man who is divorced does all he can to be a good father to his kids and provide them with everything, he forgets that the kids can still be brainwashed by the mom or just make decisions that make life more convenient for them. Parental Alienation goes unpunished in the courts because it is usually committed by the mother. Courts don't want to hear about the sins of the mother and just want to punish the father for his after they are embellished or flat out made up by the mom. If your ex is alienating your kids from you during your time or your kids don't understand the system and feel mom is promising something to get them to live with her, they now have a power over you because if they go live with mom full time, your child support is going up significantly. Imagine the anger a man feels when he has equal custody of his kids after a long fight only because of the moms addictions which could include alcohol, drugs, or even porn, he still has to pay child support to a woman who does not need what he is ordered to send her to give the kids the same standard of life you give them. This anger is amped up when the kids, who seemed happy with being able to see both parents in their pre teen years, suddenly think they have a mind, hit the teenage years, and start dropping hints they want to live with mom. Imagine your own child being brainwashed or guilt tripped to go live with mom that suddenly she goes from hugging you every chance she gets when she is around you to suddenly looking at you with disdain and walking as far away from you as possible at home now making an environment that is tough because both parents are not there to an even tougher one. Any attempt to find out what is going is met with resistance and likely to justify the alienation attack mom is successfully running. You barely emotionally survived the first attack by the mom and now your kids are are kicking you down even further. There is a reason men just walk away early in the process. The stories of the men who fought for custody, even with some level of success, who ended up losing it and their relationship with their kids because the kids suddenly decided after years of equal custody they wanted to go live with mom with no reason other than the generic "we like it better over there", are many and they are sad. This change and the loss of his kids after trying and achieving some sense of equal time and relationship with his kids is another smack in the face a man gets which comes long after the original smack the woman gave him when he said he was not worthy of equal custody because of her greed and demand for vengeance.
Let me tell you what one man did when faced with the new assault of the most recent motion by the mom to change custody and you can decide if it was right......
This man was successful. He built a business long before he met his wife. His wife contributed nothing to it before and after they married. He was financially responsible during the marriage and when he chose to leave her because she was a horrible wife, she got a huge financial settlement despite contributing nothing to the marriage. That upset him but he moved on never speaking to his ex again. They had kids and had to sort the custody issues because she wouldn't agree to equal custody. When he left he was offered two overnights a month. TWO NIGHTS!! ENDORSED BY THE MOTHERS LAWYER!!. He was then offered every other weekend by the mom just before the custody trial which he rejected. All he wanted was equal time. He was willing to give her all holidays, birthdays, and any dates that made her non working self have minimal inconvenience in her schedule of staying at home doing nothing while he continued to run what was left of his business after paying her for just getting married to him. By luck and the grace of God he had found moms bad habits which forced even the most conservative anti equal custody judge to give him equal custody. While moms lawyers argued dad should have no more than every other weekend, they ignored their female clients habit where if the situation was reversed, they would have asked dad get minimal custody or even supervised visits because of his demented mindset and behavior. Mom was never going to get less than equal custody unless you could prove physical abuse. Mental abuse was ok in the courts mind. Her lawyers knew it and just laughed at dad as he tried to argue for equal custody like it was some outreageous demand.
The father won equal custody which the Judge reluctantly gave him because of what was found out about the mom not because he was a good man or dad.
A couple of years later the mom made a motion to change custody. She wanted primary custody with no reason to justify it. There was no "substantial change" since the last Order was entered other than there was still no coparenting because mom wanted it to be that way to create an issue for the court. Even the anti father judge that heard it couldn't ignore the quality of the father even if she hated him for speaking up about the system in open court. Instead of taking his custody, she simply took all his rights to his kids medical and educational decisions leaving the wife as the sole decision maker for anything that really mattered. She did this despite the mom refusing education opportunities for the kids and getting the oldest kid labled ADHD by a hired expert causing the kid to have self esteem issues.
The father dodged a bullet and kept his equal custody.
3 years later, the kids are now teenagers. Mom files yet another motion to change custody relying only on her belief the kids now prefer to be with her full time. They are at the age where they will have input with the courts as to where they live. During the 3 years since the last attempt, the mom slowly trained the kids that they should live with her full time and that dad was ok with it. The moms lawyers even emailed dad and said it was their understanding he was just willing to sign over his custody despite all the years he fought for equal. They wanted him to show his anger or say the wrong thing in his response. The kids had a great relationship with their father. He taught them about life, coached their sports teams, and was always there to pick them up and take them places while mom heavily relied on baby sitters despite the fathers offer to watch the kids when she had to work etc. Over time the alienation by the mom worked and without warning the oldest child turned on the father. She made up things about his behavior, accused him of things that were not true, and treated him like he was an old guy in the park looking at her wrong. The relationship was suddenly not what it once was once the behavior of the child changed. The younger sibling, who actually liked being with the dad over the mom, was not going to be separated from the older kid so the father was told that if the older kid chooses to live with mom, the younger kid would as well.
The father was in a tough spot. He knew the kids had the power in that the court was now going to listen to them. He was angry at them for their lies and sudden change in behavior yet still acted like things were the same so the household will stay good. If the kids went to live with mom, of course mom would say go see dad when you want and that the kids believed that. They didn't understand the financial ramifications if things changed and that the father would, even under the best of circumstances, have little to no input in the ups and downs of their teenage life if they lived with mom full time. Forget the fact that when a kid hits 16 or even sooner and they are supposed to go to dads every other weekend, atleast half that time they will have plans with their friends and don't want to go. You don't want to be ordering a teenager who you hardly see to be at your house instead of with their friends. That only makes the kid hate the dad more. He knows with this change, he will be lucky to get 2 overnights a month. This is what the mom wanted almost 10 years ago when they got divorced. You can't be a father with this arrangement.
The kids were told that their input mattered with the court and they had a long discussion about the pros and cons of doing what they were going to do and to be very careful because they need both parents equally during a time in life when there would be lots of issues good and bad. They knew where the father stood and he never spoke bad of the mom to them and never told them to abandon mom and come live with him full time even if he knew his household was better and he offered better parental guidance than their mom.
The date for the hearing came and the older kid said she wanted to live with mom full time. The younger kid made it clear they wanted to be where their sibling was and how can you blame that child even if the child preferred dads house. Add the moms testimony in her woe is me fake Marilyn Monroe voice and the lies about the father and his attitude. He was at fault for failing to co parent. It was all him. The father sat there in silence knowing he could do nothing about the lies.
The court changed the custody and gave the mom primary custody with kids seeing the dad every other weekend. His child support now doubled and he had to work even harder at a business whose main success was long ago and the majority of the profits were in the mothers pockets.
The first weekend came for the kids to see the dad. The dad texted the mom and said he was sick and couldn't pick them up. The kids didn't contact the dad much during the times they weren't with him as they had been trained by the mom for years while the custody was week on week off. Four weeks passed and no contact with his kids and it was time for dads weekend visit again. He texted the mom and said he had work obligations and the mom types back that its ok, the kids have an activity they didn't want to miss. Salt added to the wounds by a woman who now took over 50% of the fathers after tax income from a business she never helped build or contribute to while married. The father wondered after years of being a great father how his kids can just turn on him and go live with mom full time.
Weeks turned into months and the father didn't bother to go see his kids. After awhile he made it clear he would not be taking court ordered every other weekend visits. Whether he sees his kids every other weekend or never his court ordered financial support was still the same. He wasn't a babysitter or a part time father.
Never agree to a custody order that gives you less than 50% custody he remembered being told.
Years passed and the kids graduated high school. He never saw them. Their attempts to contact him decreased. They only texted or called when they needed help. They never asked him how he was. The self centeredness was evident and the alienation was clear and dad was tired of being used. The mom hurt her kids and isolated them from the father for money. That is worse what a prostitute does to herself.
The father never saw his kids again. The kids were destroyed by their good fathers decision but when they aged they realized how they betrayed him. He didn't give in to their wishes being that of a teenager and forced a court hearing but he couldn't control what the court did which was listen to the kids request even if created by the mothers brain washing. The value of equal custody, what he wanted from the beginning and fought to keep until his kids turned on him, was lost on everyone but him. He died alone and total strangers had to settle his affairs and make sure he was buried in the plot next to his mother, father, and sister, who died long before he did.
What is the point of this story?
Maybe the fathers approach was harsh. Maybe it wasn't. However its real and it happens to many men.
The point is that you can spend all your time fighting your ex and the courts to get custody and even if you have some success, you will face a fight until the kids age out of the system which is typically when they graduate high school. Some states are worse than North Carolina in the time fathers are saddled with the financial responsibility of the kids. The kids will have a say in where they stay and their approach toward you can turn on a dime often because of the mom. As men you need be aware of what your ex says to her kids and try to talk to them when possible about what you can when you can. It still may not be enough.
Your ex will never give up trying to destroy you especially if you left her because of her bad behavior that she wants no one to know about. There is a reason none of her family members showed up to any court hearings to support her. It didnt matter though. The court system is her support system. Nothing is her fault and you will pay every last dime she can get and she will ruin your relationship with your kids via parental alienation. If the kids see what she has done, which sadly they often don't, it will be too late. These women are pros at alienating kids and can do it even if you have equal custody. Until the courts start punishing women for this behavior your battle isn't over just because you won equal custody when the kids were young.
To have a chance in the family courts and building a relationship with your kids, understand the battle begins the minute you decide to separate and ends only when they age out of the family court system. Even after they are adults, you will still battle an ex who tries to influence them with hate to keep them away from you or to think less of you. There are many grandparents who have been alienated from their kids by an ex, that when their own kid has kids, the kid will keep the grandchild away from the grandparent. This is despicable behavior which is all tied to how the ex treated them while trying to alienate them from the former spouse.
Women who fail at relationships and destroy marriages don't want anyone, especially a man, to have a successful one with anyone.
Stay strong gentlemen.
If you are reading divorce websites or facing a potential divorce situation, you probably have an unfulfilled sex life. The frustration of this is amplified if you are paying for your wife's life. Are you the main bread winner? Is your soon to be ex wife using sex to manipulate you mentally because that is the only weapon she has to show her power? No matter the reason, your poor sexual relationship is going to be a big reason why you are about to divorce.
Couples with good sex lives rarely end up in divorce court. You can have very little in common but if you can fulfill each others sexual needs, you will treat each other better and work together in other areas where you may not have so much in common. It is a chicken and egg kind of thing but no matter how you analyze it, if the sex is good, then you are not likely to divorce. If your sex life has gone away ask yourself why are you still in your marriage. If it isn't for health reasons or you or your partner have a physical issue which challenges your commitment, then why would any man stay in a relationship where sex is non existent or a chore for a woman who stopped respecting you long ago. As the sex goes away, your current and likely overall feelings for your spouse come to the surface. You cannot stay in a living arrangement with such a person. Women control sex and if you are staying in a marriage with a person who controls sex to control you, the resentment will only build and it is going to end badly. If that is you, it is time to end your marriage and the sooner you do it the less damage their will be and the sooner you can rebuild. Your self respect has more value than any beautiful woman who used to have sex with you because she had an agenda. With rare exception this cannot be fixed and you do not want to be that guy who is paying the majority of the household bills while you age and watch porn to get your sexual needs met and your wife is laughing at you while she gets he needs met elsewhere waiting for you to die so she can collect insurance or keep all the marital assets. If your wife wants sex outside of marriage, she is likely to be able to get it easier then you no matter how high value of a man you are. You do not want to be the man who did nothing and ends up dying a slow death while you are aware of who is going to get everything you worked for. Giving up half sucks but giving up all of it because you didnt take action is a hard pill to swallow when you are sick and old and wasted years of your life out of fear.
As you face this situation, ask yourself what you are going to miss when you split from your wife. Your wife may still be attractive and you love seeing her naked, but if you cant get physical fulfillment from her presence, why are you there? Would you keep a Ferrari in your garage that has no engine or you cannot figure out or afford to fix and keep running. That is pure idiocy. That is what you are doing while the resentment continues to grow and you stay married.
This was the situation I faced in my marriage. When I met my wife, I could not believe my luck to marry someone who was physically my ideal woman. It made the things we didn't have in common easier to manage. If you are able to marry someone who you are genuinely physically attracted to, that is very rare and you will learn how much that matters when it goes away or if you never had it and got married to someone because you thought you had all these things in common. Looking at her with clothes on or off was something that motivated me to be as high value a man as possible. Whether the sex was good didn't matter and I wont discuss that in depth here. Even if she was horrible at it, she was beautiful and sexy beyond belief. If there was some physical interaction, I was not going to blow up my marriage no matter how one sided the contributions were day to day. I was bargaining with myself in world full of negativity when it comes to marriage and family. However, as she began to disappear physically, the type of person she was become more obvious. We as men will hide our feelings on what type of person our wife is if we are sexually satisfied even on a basic level. When the sex goes away, you see everything you hate about your wife and the way she has devalued you is right in your face. Why do you stay married to her no matter how good looking she is? Men need to be taught to walk away from beauty as quick as we might be drawn to it when we are younger.
When you choose to leave, what will you miss? I am guessing you will miss the physical aspect of her even if that is something you no longer see. You wont miss who she is and how poorly she treats you. You wont miss her lies and lack of contribution to the marriage. Over time as you no longer see her, you wont miss her physically as much as you do while you are at home with her every day and she rejects you physically. The dating world is not fun especially as you age, but no matter how attractive your wife is physically, it does you no good to stick around and miss something you have to see every day. Once she is no longer in your presence physically you can rebuild your life. Every day that you see her with all the lust you felt when you were together physically on a regular basis, is a day that part of you thinks you can get back what you once had. You cant. If she does not want to be with you physically on a regular basis, her mind has moved on and she has likely got a boyfriend on the side. She will be a pro at hiding it from you and your mindset is not going to believe the perfect appearing soccer mom you are married to would be unfaithful no matter how much you provide and how little you interfere with her day to day life. She is and has been for a long time. If she does not want your attention, she is getting it from someone. Women are attention starved and need constant affirmation from someone they like or just to feed their ego. You aren't fixing it guys. Its time to move on. I knew as much as I hated walking away from someone who I basically saw as physically perfect no matter how much she aged or how much weight she gained, I knew that it would hurt less once I left. I could not stand being around someone who was not welcoming to me sexually and who from her actions made it clear she was probably cheating and getting her sexual gratification elsewhere. Its pure torture and she knows it. It is one thing to know someone who is a part of your life is unfaithful or who has shut you out sexually, but it is a lot worse if you have to see the person and continue to provide for their lifestyle.
When you leave your wife, you aren't going to miss the person she is. You have too much hate and resentment for how she treated you. You will miss the sex you no longer have. You will miss looking at her. If you are no longer attracted to her yet she wants to give you sex, that is another conversation and you must reflect on the commitment you made to her if she is trying to fulfill her duties as wife. That situation may be just as tough but it is where your character is tested. A woman who uses sex as a weapon is not worthy of your character or respect no matter how beautiful she is or how many kids you have together. If you are attracted to her and she has shut you out, you are a loser if you stay and she will continue to ridicule you.
I made a very tough decision to leave my wife. I had two young kids at the time. I was not going to sit around and continue to work hard and bring in the money while she did nothing other than look good. She wasn't leaving as long as she could stay at home and live on the computer if I paid the bills and left her alone. I didn't want sympathy sex so I didn't bother her. She was living the life she wanted at the time. She may have looked like a Ferrari but she was either broken and would not perform or she fixed it and allowed other men to use it. Would you pay for a car you cant drive yet you know other men were driving it? No man should live like that. When I left I didn't miss her the person. I realized that what mattered was a physical connection and sure I missed looking at her and the physical interaction we had but it wasn't what there any longer so why stay. When this exists you will find a way to like each other more and make each other better which makes you both better partners.
As you decide what to do about your marriage, ask yourself how you are engaging sexually with your wife. If you have little to no sexual interaction, your marriage is over. Don't stay thinking you can fix it. You cant no matter how attracted you are to her and no matter how good you are at sex. She has moved on and the trick now is trying to find her boyfriend so you can avoid alimony. As hard as it was to leave my marriage, it was the right thing to do and I waited too long. I don't have to speak to or see someone who I found to be as physically attractive as much on the last day I saw her as the first. It gets better over time no matter how bad the dating world has gotten especially for men as they age. If you don't leave, you will put yourself in an early grave by sticking around and being mentally abused. She may ultimately leave you but she will only do it on her own terms when she has someone new lined up. In the meantime, she is going to live a separate life, get her sexual needs me secretly, all while she makes fun of you for paying for her life.
While you are sorting through the anger of maybe joy of getting divorced, there are many things that men fail to take into account when physically separating from their spouse. This is made more complicated if you have kids and even if you have more money than most men, you dont want to burn through it unnecessarily because you are just getting in to the big costs of the lawyer and child support hell. How you handle this is very important for both your mental and financial sanity.
Conventional wisdom says don't leave the marital home until you have at a minimum a parenting agreement in place. A big mistake men make it to think their wife will actually negotiate fairly and allow for a friendly separation. She will not and do not think otherwise. In most cases, she isnt leaving the home especially if you have young kids and she does not have a man lined up. Issues of domestic violence, infidelity, and other deplorable behavior can change that but assuming most people just want to be separated, the trick is how will you do it without showing the court that you are abandoning your children or some other garbage which reduces your chance at equal custody, which your wife refuses to give you.
Until you separate, the assets you earn and the debts incurred belong to both of you. Once separation is clearly going to happen, you dont want to deal with your wife stealing or eliminating marital or premarital assets while also running up debt. It will happen. While you are at work, anything can happen. I know men who have come home from work and the wife had emptied the home and left a note. You can document and take pictures all you want of these personal items before she does it, but you wont get the financial value of what was stolen when it comes time for equitable distribution. Do you also want to spend more money trying to argue what asset that was taken was not used for a marital purpose or sudden charges are not for the marriage. The time and money spent fighting this is not going to put you back to where you were before your wife started acting poorly.
While you are in the home at any time a woman can make false allegations of violence. All she has to do is call the Sheriff and you will likely be arrested. The Me Too movement is real and do not think your wife will not play that card no matter how passive of a blue pilled man you are.
My point is dont be afraid to leave if your wife is going to play hardball and not agree to equal custody of the kids. You have too much to risk and you are simply delaying the rebuilding of your life. Once you come to this realization, you are now trying to set yourself up to show the court that despite you leaving your home, that you are still a worthy parent deserving of equal custody.
I give this advice based on personal experience. I left my home because I saw my personal items disappearing and because I had a job, I could not be at home to protect my interests. I made the mistake of telling my wife I wanted a divorce and I was willing to leave the home which was a mistake, but that analysis will be for another post. If I was going to leave, the longer I stayed the more I was going to lose, I wasnt getting to see my daughters each day because as soon as I got home, they were whisked away, given a bath and put to bed before I could even settle in. Any attempts by me to keep them up for evem just some brief time sitting with them on the couch was met with physical confrontation where they were literally pulled from my arms and told they were going to bed. I could either escalate to keep them up or back down and accept I what I was married to and add one more stone to my pile of belief that leaving my marriage was the right decision. When I would later find recording devices in my home that the wife had placed to tape me as she tried to provoke me into violence, i thanked God that I had the intelligence not to yell or threaten my wife so she could call the Sheriff and play the tape to get me arrested costing me my freedom and professional licenses. This happens guys to many men and even the most mellow guy can be pushed into a single act of violence or threat to the point that he will be arrested because his woman knew how to push his buttons and set him up with it all being on tape. This is just one example of why leaving the home before a parenting agreement is in place has to be done once you realize your ex will not agree to equal custody.
Once you leave, you need to get a place that provides the same environment that your kids are used to in the family home. I left my home and proceeded to rent a house that basically looked like mine knowing it was a temporary place. If you sign a lease, sign one for no more than 6 months. If you have any savings, you want to as soon as possible try to get a place as close to where your ex lives so the kids are not having to travel too far while the custody issues are sorted out. If you have the financial means and plan on continuing working where you live, if you are a believer in home ownership versus renting, do all you can to buy a house. This will take some work and it may not be the easiest thing to do, but one of the best things I did to help me win equal custody when the trial came about 9 months post separation was to buy a home in the same neighborhood as my marital home. The 6 months in the rental home was really a waste of money and I probably could have lived with my mom during that time as I was only being given 4 days a month visitation by my ex and there was nothing I could do. You do not want to rush into a home purchase but do not be afraid to do it. The court wants stability for the kids and I basically got an equivalent house in the same neighborhood and combined with my constant emails to the ex asking for more time with the kids, I had done everything possible to show the court I deserved equal custody and would be in the kids lives. I lived around the corner from my ex and still do to this day and despite not speaking to each other since the day I left the home, it is very hard for her to argue abandonment and I showed the court I wasnt going anywhere. This helps you win equal custody of your kids. Staying put in your home and creating stability once I won equal custody has helped me survive her attempt to change custody and take my equal time away.
Every situation is going to be different and not all men have extra money lying around when they leave and are hit with child support and alimony etc. Dont give up or delay a decision so she can start removing assets and personal items while creating more problems for equitable distribution. Make a plan with your lawyer and dont be afraid to suddenly move out and take what you want to take. Telling my wife I was willing to leave the home was a huge mistake but it felt good when I pulled up with a moving truck and took my stuff and left to her surprise one morning. For all I know she had plans to empty the house the next week taking everything I owned, most of which I owned before I met her. It is a stressful time but you need a plan and the goal is to extricate yourself which saves your finances as much as possible and allows you to take what is yours without losing your personal items, which she will take and play dumb like some ghost just showed up and took them at the same time your marriage started falling apart.
If your ex is refusing equal custody, this decision is made easier for you. You cannot stay in the home. If you have relatives or friends that can help you, you may not need to rent an equivalent place immediately and can save that money to buy a new house that shows you are not abandoning your children so you can have it in place when in 6-9 months you are arguing to a judge for equal custody. While the Judge in my case probably didnt like me and hated my aggressive nature in court, I do not think he felt that I abandoned my children because I left the home. Judges understand when men leave and it can come down to asset protection, threats of domestic violence allegations, or just the desire to move the fight forward when a wife thinks she is the sole caregiver of the kids and you should have minimal access. Ids getting a parental agreement in place ideal before you leave? Yes. Doing nothing when you arent getting that is not the answer however.
Men need to assess their situation, give no hint they are willing to leave the marital home until custody negotiations will not allow for equal, and then leave. You cant take your kids with you and try to dictate to the wife how often she sees the kids like she will do to you. You must take the high road and spend the next 6-9 months documenting via email to your ext that you want to see your kids and to set up a new home near where your marital home was. While you dont have to move around the corner from the ex like I did, you cant go very far if you expect to get equal custody. Kids need continuity in their lives and drastic distances between parents or discrepancy in lifestyles is going to hurt the man in court.
There are things you can do to financially and emotionally to help yourself through this transition so you can find a better place to live and get equal custody of your kids which will help eliminate the financial loss that comes with only being the every other weekend dad. You will also find that being single with equal custody of your kids is more fulfilling than married to a horrible person where you take time with your kids for granted and the next thing you know they are 18 and gone from the house and you see what you are left with in a wife while your age is starting to really show.
Take action Gentlemen and the get the help you need to get yourself out of danger and rebuild your life.