The more men I run across who need help from a legal or emotional standpoint dealing with the loss of their marriage, the more it's about trying to figure out why they are getting divorced and not how to save their assets and maximize time with their kids. I am amazed by the men who are looking for affirmation that they were a good husband and provider while trying to understand why their wife wanted a divorce or why they were treated so badly that they were forced to leave their wife even if they didn't want to despite the years of mental abuse, shaming, and disrespect. These same men will hire a lawyer who will encourage them to give up marital assets and sign a custody agreement that gives him every other weekend with his kids because they are told this is the best they can do in court. The lawyer gets his fee, does minimal work, and the man soon thereafter realizes his mistake and starts to see the financial and emotional issues that come with being bullied by the process like he was while he was married. Despite all this negativity and sudden change in day to day life, he still wants to know why his wife didn't want to be married to him any longer.
As one of the 20% of men who left his wife and filed for divorce after years of mental abuse and neglect versus the typical man whose wife filed for divorce, I asked the same questions and sadly still do more than I want to admit. I didn't want to be divorced. I loved my wife and kids. The divorce process was horrible from losing most of my assets to a woman who contributed nothing to having to fight to win 50/50 custody of my two young daughters. I had barely moved out of my home when her first lawyer sent me a letter offering 2 days a month visitation with a long list of financial demands by a woman who refused to go back to work despite a college degree and who would use the system to spend the next four years not working full time. I was forced to endure a trial for child custody because I wanted 50/50 custody where my character and parental desire and skills were questioned by lawyers who without reason or evidence wanted to see a good father not have equal custody of daughters who need a strong dad in their lives regularly. It takes a special kind of evil to advocate for such a position but it was done with ease and a big smile. This is a process I wouldn't wish on any man yet despite being the one who left and seeing how badly I was treated pre and post divorce, I still too often asked myself what did I do wrong to cause this marriage to end? Why didn't my wife want to be married to me and why was I disrespected to the point I had no choice but to walk out on my family and endure the hell of the family court system? For all the marriages that do end(50% of first marriages and 70% of second marriages), think of all the marriages that don't end because the man does not want to deal with what most men who get divorced have to face. Now that many years have passed and I can reflect with less anger, I use my experience to help men understand why there was simply nothing they could have done so we can focus on doing as well as possible in a financial and custodial sense while letting the need for an explanation why go by the wayside as much as possible. Let me explain.
Unless you are very lucky, you likely married a woman who was settling for you at a given time in her life when she wanted financial stability, children, or just wanted a wedding to show all her friends that she was married. If you weren't her first husband she likely needed you to take out the revenge she had for the first husband who didn't turn out to be the man she wanted or give her children. She does not want to be a wife and has no interest in an equal partnership over the long term. Her needs are her needs and they do not involve you. Once you have kids you will learn real quick that you are basically an afterthought and once she is done having kids with you, your value is even less. Her priorities are now her kids and you are simply a financial tool to be used and ignored. The older she is when she gets married, there is even less of a chance that she has any true interest in seeing marriage the way a man does and handling the responsibility and honesty that comes with being a wife. Even though she got married, she is still looking for attention. You might satisfy that need for awhile but if you are the nice guy you will get walked on and if you turn out to be a jerk, she will be looking elsewhere quicker and more openly.
Back in the day this behavior was a bit more subtle many women knew how to fool the "nice guy" or the man who was doing everything right to make the relationship work. In today's modern social media society, things have changed and attention is more easily attainable and there is a record of who is actually giving a woman attention in the form of likes and followers. Cell phones make the exchange of attention via texting, pictures, and videos as common place and acceptable as getting a girls phone number back in the day so you could call a house phone and maybe get to talk to her. Women don't want other women getting more attention than they get married or not. Ask Steph Curry's wife about that. She does not even hide her desire for attention. If your wife is pretty your marriage is even more likely to fail because the attention she receives will be off that chart and women are not loyal long term in the 21st century. As a man you have to show you are the prize and rather than try to negotiate her desire or tolerate disrespect that goes way beyond the day to day issues that exist in a marriage, you must be able to walk away from women who do not respect you and what you bring to the table. If she does not admire you and what you are, you cant do anything to change that. A woman like that is never yours. It is just your turn. Her desire will soon be focused elsewhere and its simply a matter of timing when things go bad. As the man you need to decide when to move on or that you are the guy who will accept the wife being in control and stay until the kids leave the house or until she leaves you knowing you have no respect from the woman whose life you likely provide for day to day. There is no right answer but a self aware man is going to be an emotional basket case the day he realizes what his wife truly is and has to decide how to live his life going forward. When kids are involved you must make decisions that benefit their well being and there are no easy answers. Women know they control the narrative and if you are the nice guy who brings home a good paycheck, which is likely why she married you and allowed you to father her kids, you are in a no win situation while you wake up each day knowing she can pull the plug and get all the cash and prizes provided by the family court system.
In the early stages of relationship failure men want to talk about all they do right. I make good money. I give her a car and a home and I help out with the kids. I clean the house and take care of the yard. I basically do everything I can so she has nothing to complain about. I also don't challenge her and defer to her wishes and desires. What men fail to realize is that no matter what they do, she is not going to be satisfied. She wants more and the foundation of your sacrifice combined with her own inner arrogance will make her even more emboldened to think she can find it whenever she wants it. If you mix in the likely NPD she has because she is pretty, you are pretty much screwed when it comes to maintaining an honest respectful relationship with her over the long haul. Has she been married before? Did you marry someone with kids from a prior marriage? If this is the case, you are likely just the next in line of her trying to find her unicorn. She picked you because of her need for money because her first husband was everything bad that you are good or this was the time to have kids. It is possible she didn't get enough money from the first husband or wanted more kids because she couldn't fool the first husband long enough to get all the kids she wanted. Once you meet her currently prioritized needs she will time the exit of the marriage by simply leaving or behaving so badly that she lives like a single woman while you slowly die from despair and she loses more and more respect for you because you allow the behavior rather than leave. This does not mean you're weak because it takes a special kind of man to leave even a bad wife knowing the financial loss and likelihood of not getting equal custody of your kids the minute you decide to walk out.
Whether a man should ever get married and when is the best time to do it can be debated. Choosing the right wife is also something that must be discussed by men. How to be the dominant man in a relationship is also important to help a woman understand her role and your value to her so she might not show her nature so soon is also vital. These issues and others as they relate to marriage and behavior are for other topics to discuss. What men need to understand once their relationship ends is not why it ended and what you could have done different. It is too late and the reality is very painful. What men need to learn is what steps to take and when to take them to protect their financial assets and maximize the custody time of kids. They also need to find the right support system to deal with their emotions and to learn what is the best way to deal with an ex using hopefully as little contact as possible post marriage, kids or not. Without the proper support from the right lawyer, a bad situation is going to get worse. Trying to understand why your wife behaved the way she did or why she never really cared enough about you to be an equal partner in your marriage is pointless. You aren't unique and getting input and life or legal advice from the right men is invaluable. Men need to be more communicative and helpful to their friends who are going through this and get them to the right lawyer. My parents were married 40 years until my dad died. He was the nice guy and in today's world he would have been eaten alive by a horrible woman. While I wish I had him or someone to educate me as a young man about female nature so I could develop my sense of awareness and make better choices at better times, the world isn't like that any more and today's woman isn't like your mother. Their values and priorities have changed and they aren't afraid to put their behavior on display because they can. They are ruthless with agendas that so many men ignore because there is nothing better than a pretty woman or the joy of having children, which so many men never get to experience in life. Men cannot change what women have become but we can educate each other early to make better choices in life and how to focus on a task at hand rather than try to figure out why something went bad. There is nothing better than a top notch woman and a wonderful wife as they do exist even if they are as rare as a Trump supporter on a college campus, but when the reality hits that you didn't get one, you need to take the right steps going forward rather than asking why your ex is everything you thought she wasn't while she and her win at all costs lawyers, even to the detriment of your kids, destroy you in family court.
There is no better place to get the education and focus on what matters when it comes to relationships, divorce, and child custody than with the team at menunited.tv. I am proud to be a part of it.
For all the difficulties you face once you are facing divorce, the last one most men think about is whether they are actually the father of their kids. The list of issues is endless and they are enough to break most men financially and emotionally. The internet and all the divorce websites are filled with stories on these issues. When it comes to kids, you almost need a video of your wife molesting your kids to have the advantage in a family court proceeding.
The one issue that seems to be pushed under the rug during this difficult time is whether the kids a woman represented to you that you fathered are actually yours and not some other mans who was having sex with your wife behind your back. She may have taken a vow but the vow means nothing to most women. They will tell any lie necessary to protect or improve their financial status. If you don't think it can happen to you, you are a fool. While men who make less money or have a lower status career are more likely to be victims of this scam, it can happen to a rich guy as well. A woman always wants more than what she has, but if she is married to a millionaire who provides everything, don't think she is satisfied and is going to be loyal. These richer men are actually easier to cheat on and deceive because they walk around thinking their wife will be happy and faithful because he providers everything and treats her well. She was probably bored and cheating on you with a bad boy before and after she thought she had your kids. Your rich ass is boring and predictable. The tattooed guy with bigger muscles and a spotty work history are quite simply more fun to her and fun is easier to have when you have financial security waiting at home when you are taking a break from the fun. There is no window that is not open to your wife if it means infidelity or fun. If your wife was on websites that involved freaky behavior or web sites like hifive.com where you buy and sell people for fun only weeks after giving birth to what you think is your kid, do you think its possible that your kid may not be yours? She might be barely healed from child birth before she is back to her bad behavior. The skilled women will know how to make you feel you are such a wonderful man and father day to day while she has trysts with men whenever she can fit it in to her schedule. Your wife isn't what she presents. You are a means to an end.
My point is that for all you are dealing with once the relationship goes bad, take a step back and look at everything. For many men it is often more than just child support, custody, and alimony. The woman you married is not the one you divorce and you get to know the real her after the divorce process begins. In this world, atleast 20-30% of men who think they are the father of their child are not. You might be married to the perfect soccer mom but don't assume she didn't make a mistake on purpose and have a fling with a man who ended up being the father of your kid.
For all the advantages women have in the family court system, paternity fraud is the worst thing a woman can do. In addition to cheating and then representing a man is the father of her kid when she isn't in order to avoid shame and get her kids taken care of pre and post divorce, court systems do not hold her accountable for such behavior. You can bet she knows everyone she slept with and if there is a chance the husband is not the father of her kids, she will take her own test to confirm the truth so she can plot accordingly. Infidelity works both ways, but when she carries the baby she has the fraud advantage.
I tell all men, including those who are happily married and have new babies, to go get the DNA tests done asap. Its not that expensive and its better to know now. Odds are you are your child's father, but if you aren't you want to know now to avoid the financial and emotional heartbreak that will come later because eventually you will find out or live in a mental prison until you die.
Once you know who your wife actually is and you are now in the divorce process, you will question everything. Some of what you question may be over the top, but once you have been red pilled via divorce, everything seems clear and you know what is and what isn't. Pray that paternity fraud is not an issue on the table as no man deserves to find out he isn't the father of who he thought were his kids.
I never have followed my own advice and despite my doubts, I still cant bring myself to get the test done. Women who do this to a man should go to prison for a long time. The mental prison a man faces when it is a legitimate issue and ignored is much worse.
I am not overly social but I know many people and can talk to anyone from any type of background or employment experience. An ability to relate to people and draw them out in conversation is a skill learned over time. For some it may come naturally. For others, it may take real effort and actions outside your comfort zone. My job has forced me to become good at talking to people over the past 25 years. As a younger man, I didn't really care to know people or take interest in them even if I was fully capable of talking and becoming socially active. I just wasn't drawn to idiots and men under 25 rarely offer much in terms of intellectual conversation and humility.
Life and work experience have changed my approach and sense of awareness. I now like to ask people questions and engage in conversation often with total strangers. I want to know what has happened in their life. This may flow from generic conversations that are random or from the need to get information so I can help clients get the best possible result.
I say all this not to point out how good I am with people, but to let you know that there are many men who are probably going through what you are regarding divorce and child custody yet don't talk to anyone about it for various reasons. These men mostly suffer in silence because they don't know anyone they can talk to who can relate or understand. Men also by nature keep their pain inside. We live in a society where women are praised for sharing their pain and too often exaggerated claims of victimhood. Men are shamed and insulted if they dare speak out on the injustice that is family court or how their ex wife uses the kids as pawns to destroy him emotionally. Can you imagine a world where post split men claim the kids as theirs and deprive women of equal access to their children forcing them to prove to a Judge why they should get equal custody? Watching how women would respond to this scenario would be scary. Men handle it and still more often then not work and pay the support ordered by a court. Deprive women of her kids and tell her to work and give some of her earnings to a man and you can only imagine how society would become. Women would be screaming about injustice. Men have been trained to accept things and continue working in silence.
Men also face a difficult time building relationships that don't center around sports, money, female conquests, and overall self inflation. For all the shallowness of females relationships, men aren't much better. Unlike women who maintain fake and shallow relationships their whole lives, quality men will outgrow these relationships and find that men they have known for a long time suddenly get cut out of their lives especially when they reflect during the divorce process. Men simply don't want to talk about women, sports, and the degradation of other men once they get a certain age. You simply stop talking to most of the men you know. Men still need friends though and we need to encourage each other to seek out relationships where we can get real advice and support and not just hide things will we talk sports or brag about women we have dated.
Meeting fellow men is not that hard. As little as I interact with others in my personal life, when I am out and run into people I ask them about themselves. I am genuinely curious. Why does a man have the job he has? Why is he divorced? Why is he still married? How is his relationship with his kids? These are generic topics but when you ask a man about them and you have life experience to share, you will be surprised what a man will tell you. Unlike women who feel they are being cross examined if you want to learn anything about them beyond their financially related desires, men are almost shocked and genuinely happy another man asks them questions about life. You don't need to be a lawyer or have experience as a life coach to create a strong conversation with another man. I cant tell you how many men I talk to because we happen to be at the same place or function and how quick it can turn to divorce and family. There are a lot of men going through divorce or have done so while their ex tried to ruin them financially or alienate them from their kids. The pain comes out and it is obvious yet they are glad to talk about it because I can match their story.
Talking about things with quality men who have been through what you are facing or have faced is worth its weight in gold. Do not think you are the only one dealing with these issues. While having a life coach on speed dial or regular appointments with one is great, I tell all the men I know to also focus on meeting quality men who have been through the family court system. There are many men that despite professional success, a big personality, and the appearance that life is fine, are really hurting on the inside because they feel like they are alone and no one they know can relate to them or brushes them off when they try to talk about it. These men are out there just like you are.
While you are facing a divorce or going through an ongoing child custody battle, use this as an opportunity to evaluate all your relationships. You don't want to be married to the mother of your kids because you think that little of her yet you continue to hang out with dudes who could care less what you are dealing with and constantly want to brag to you about their lives? Are these your friends or just self centered people who only want to share and discuss good times? You would be surprised how exhilarating it is to divorce all the men you know who are losers from your life. Find some better men who have the ability to communicate and relate. One new relationship with a man who you can talk to without feeling like you have to out do him in everything is worth way more than all the grown up frat boys and Don Juans you still talk to and tolerate because you like to get out on occasion.
Now is the time to reshape your entire life. You are not alone.
Hindsight is always 20/20 in every aspect of life. We always learn things from experience and the lesson typically isn't too expensive. It might be getting out of a bad investment or even getting rid of a person in your life who you mistakenly thought was your friend. You can get away and move forward with life and learn while being more confident and self aware. This isn't so easy when it comes to matters of the heart and the natural desire to create a family. Men who come from good family backgrounds want to be married and have a family like they their parents did. Growing up with parents who stayed married and being able to see mom, dad, and my sister every day in a loving and team minded household was worth more than I can express even with limited financial resources. This set up isn't easy to find in todays Instagram and Swipe Left world where women have trained themselves to value attention and status more than ever. The end result of trying to create a Leave it to Beaver life in a Jersey Shore world is men will make huge mistakes to try and create a family. Sadly women don't want families like men do in the modern world. They are too busy being career women and hypocritical feminists. The idea of marriage and a traditional family is pretty much gone in their mind. This does not mean they wont get married and have kids and will do anything necessary to get what they want whether it be children, money, or both.
Young men need to learn from us older men how to spot the type of women who act like they want to be married and have a family when they really don't so we can run the other direction and avoid mistakes or atleast understand the deal with the devil we will decide to make when we have aged out meeting a quality woman. The inability to spot this type of woman is only going to lead to heartache, broken families, and the mans financial destruction. While no amount of knowledge can guarantee you wont be tricked by this type of woman, the failure to see what is right in front of you will cause you more pain than you can imagine and such pain should not be wished on any man, even your sworn enemy.
Let me help get you thinking about this type of woman as you may be looking for answers why your marriage broke up despite you being a great husband and provider or most importantly to maybe get you thinking before you decide to marry the wrong woman just because you want a family like the one your parents created.
Imagine meeting a pretty woman. She probably has a college degree, a great personality, or both. Men want her. You want her. She gets lots of attention even at an age where men might see her as getting old. Odds are she is pushing 30 or even slightly past it. You wonder how such a beautiful woman who has her act together on the surface is not married and does not have kids. She's probably been married before yet didn't have kids with her first husband. Her excuse as to why varies from they were building their careers or they weren't mature enough. The translation means her man wasn't making enough money or the relationship was filled with emotional or physical abuse because of her behavior. She will lie about why her relationship ended but it was probably her fault leaving a man, probably the one she dated all through college(but not without cheating on him repeatedly) who truly loved her with a broken heart.
When you meet a woman at any age, you can tell when she is in to you. How she looks at you and how she treats you shows she wants you to be special. As a woman ages, if she is not sincere in her desires, this behavior is not so easily faked. The pretty ones can still do it and men don't spot the fake behavior because they are enamored with her looks and how beautiful their kids will be.
These women do not want to be with you in a family environment. She wants a baby but she wants it with the right man who genetically and financially will give her the best offspring. That is normal as men want pretty women for the same reason but they want it in a family environment for lots of reasons which includes a biased court system. Women however have this ability in a subtle way to make it known that they just want the kids and financial security especially if their work history is spotty and she is broke. If you don't understand what I am saying, learn about who reproduces in the USA. 20% of men reproduce with 80% of the women in this country. In other words, 80 % of men never get to have kids and only 20% of women never have kids. Eliminating the people who are just absolutely never going to have kids because they don't want or cant physically have them and the illegitimacy rates in certain communities and you have a country where women are controlling who gets to reproduce with them. If you are one of the 20% of men who gets to reproduce, you are likely at the top in income and looks etc that you have more women than you can handle. Most men in this 20% are men that want kids but still have to work very hard to get one woman to have kids with him. The woman you desire has many suitors and you hope that she hasn't had sex with her whole graduating class by the time she chooses to be with you. He knows the statistics and will tolerate a lot as his desire for kids and family is strong. This is why women have an ability to use men like yesterdays garbage when it comes to creating kids and having families. While many nice women cant get a date for whatever reason, there are a lot of men more men who would make good dads and fathers who never get the chance.
As you understand the behavior of these women, you either have to accept it knowing what is likely to happen which is your financial destruction and potential loss of access to your kids all because of your desire to have kids. Even if you are a top notch man who should fall in the 20%, life's circumstances can cause you not to be able to meet a woman who will not only be a good wife and mother, but who is also someone you want to have kids. Your 20's turn into your 30's real quick and your biological clock isn't much different than a woman's. Women who truly want to be married and have kids get married young and are more likely to stay married. If you miss out on a quality woman, you need to be aware of what you are going to likely end up with assuming you don't end up alone.
As you make decisions to have kids with a woman and potentially get married, you need to spot the signs that the woman has no interest in you despite her willingness to do whatever she needs to have kids and provide for her financial future. The behavior may not show itself immediately but as a man you need to prepare yourself to spot the behavior that is coming so you make decisions with a full understanding of what you are getting in to and what can happen when you can no longer live the lie you created for yourself. As you meet these women around 30 with their prior history of marriage or just a life screwing bad boys until they are ready for a provider type to take care of them who may or may not be exciting. When she does pick you and says and does all the right things to make the relationship progress, understand she does not want you, she wants what you can provide. Your money and your genetics are all that matters. You have to know the tests to help you discover this type of woman before its too late.
If you can be a provider for a woman, these women will either be direct or deceptive to get you to give them a baby. Once they get it, you are dead to them other than your wallet and she will be out of your life before the baby turns one using the court system to get money. She is now a mom and now she has a check from you for 18 years. Despite her mindset, she may feel that she needs to pretend to be a family and get married or despite her lack of interest in marriage, she knows you wont have a baby with her unless its in a marriage. She will not love you but will marry you and go through the motions. The mistake most men make is that they are blinded by her lack of love and desire to be a partner because the man wants kids and he is getting married to a woman who is pretty and who wants kids. Your early to mid 30s are a dangerous time for a man who despite his success couldn't find a wife in his 20s. You are about to be used and destroyed and you don't even know it.
The woman's plan is to be a single mother. How and when she times it depends on her and your knowledge of what she is doing. She wont tell you that but after the baby is born you will see her behavior change without telling you that she wants a divorce. After you marry her, she will isolate you and spend more time with her friends than you. Sex will be rare and timed around the days she ovulates with. Post marriage she stops showing any type of interest in sex but you still see her physically as a goddess. A wife who looks like a Ferrari but without an engine is pure torture for a man but that is your life. Its like having a strip club in your house. These brazen women will make her wedding ring disappear and basically behave as a single person no matter how nice you are. She was never interested in you the person. Its about what you can provide and she has it once the babies are born. She will behave poorly toward you because she knows what you will lose if you choose to leave and leaving her allows her to play victim to all who will listen and everyone will believe her lies.
After you get married, your wife will spend time with her friends and family excluding you and avoiding intimacy by spending any free time either outside the house or on the computer. She sees you as the provider of the sperm and the money she desires but also the biggest idiot on the planet. She will prepare her victimhood narrative long before you might consider leaving. She wont divorce you but once she has her kids, she will do everything to drive you to divorce her. The longer it takes you to leave, the less she respects you. How can any man tolerate his wife not wearing her wedding ring ever, denying sex, and enjoying her friends day to day and not working while you pay all her bills she wonders. She wants to protect her lifestyle. Your enemy status is confirmed.
You may be in that position now and not sure what to do. You finally accepted what she was doing and the marriage ended or you still cant quite pull the trigger because you have small kids. Whether you married her or not, following the end of the relationship she does not want you to see the kids. She will hire a lawyer who, like most family lawyers, absolutely has no care for the best interest of the kids to write you a letter offering you as little as one weekend a month with your kids. These lawyers should be disbarred and the women who asked them to handle their custody case with these crazy positions regarding custody are the worse kind of women. These women are ruthless and predatory. She planned his destruction from day one and plays victim to the court system who eats it up. She does not care about the kids and sees them as possessions caring only about what she can get and not the fact her daughter wont get the input she should from a great dad.
Some very high level men have fallen victims to these women. Men who are great fathers, great husbands, and great providers are faced with staying in marriage where the wife is so disrespectful and likely unfaithful that seeing how his life is he has to leave costing him everything or stay waiting for her to pull the plug which she will. If he waits to do anything, he will come home one day to an empty house with personal possessions gone destroyed by a wife who sees your personal items having no value because you have no value. The women know they married and had kids with a top man but their goals of being a mom with dad having little contact with the kids after the relationship ends far outweighs the value of any man or a relationship. Women take pride in being single moms. The lies it affords them to tell while being faking being self sufficient pseudo feminists only gives them more energy.
While it may be too late to fix, if you still aren't sure if you married one of these women, ask yourself how she handled custody of the kids. Did she hire a lawyer straight away to offer you one weekend a month hoping you would just accept it and walk away like most men do. If she refused equal custody why do you think that is if there is no reason for a court to see you as anything but a good dad and provider. Kids are not possessions and they need their dads involvement just as much as moms. If you fight for equal custody how does she coparent once its determined and she does not get what she wanted in terms of custody or child support? These women will not coparent and will pull you back in to court at the slightest chance to take your custody time. You will soon learn that no contact is a must and co parenting is not possible causing your kids to suffer even more.
Young men need to learn how to spot these type of women. Men who are married to them and see the behavior but stay in the marriage for the kids need to learn who they married and leave the marriage as soon as possible with help from the right lawyer or coach to formulate an exit plan. Leaving on your terms and not hers is the only way to help offset what is coming while salvaging your pride as a man. Doing nothing is not an option. It is easier to face the custody battle and her blatant attempts at parental alienation once you have real time and real custody. It will take work but men's biggest failure is not knowing their enemy and thinking that if a woman married you and had a baby with you that at some point she actually cared about you and only wants the best for you.
Men United has men on staff who have experienced this type of woman and took steps to walk away. The stories are endless and single young men need to be educated while married men contemplating or facing divorce need to understand what they face so they can cut their losses and work on rebuilding their emotional health. Ignoring your situation is only going to make it worse.
Once a man realizes he is going to be a divorce statistic, how he responds to this adversity will go a long way in determining how the rest of his life will be going forward. The proper way to respond is something not often seen because you are being asked to rise above the natural response to divorce which is essentially anger, hate, self loathing, and revenge.
The views typically expressed on this blog are not those that involve cooperation, friendliness, happiness, or much positivity when it comes to divorce and the unequal burden it shifts to men. There simply isnt any positivity other than the joy you will feel, albeit often intermittently, of having your freedom and the confidence that comes with being able to take a stand against a horrible person and leave your marriage no matter what it will cost you when it comes to money and access to your children. There is a reason so many men get divorced and it is expensive. If you manage it correctly it is worth it.
Although the negativity of divorce can be found easily and repeated in many places, what we as men fail to do when the divorce train is passing through our lives is totally ignore what we can do to make the negatives of divorce into something positive. No matter how hard it is to find positivity and behave accordingly, if you don't do that, you like most men will quickly spiral out of control with depression, only express your anger through violence, start drug and alcohol use or abuse, while losing the respect and admiration from his children who are at an age where even if they knew the truth, they wouldn't quite understand why dad feels and behaves the way he does. One often ignored negative of this reckless behavior is the joy your ex takes from seeing you implode. It takes a nasty woman to choose to have kids with you, then when she decides you are of no use or someone better has come along, she then uses the court system to destroy you financially while lying to keep you from getting equal access to your kids. However, there is a special place in hell for the same woman who wants you mentally and physically destroyed so she can take the joy from it. Even if you don't change your life for yourself post divorce, you don't want her to see you as defeated.
As man you need to accept what your ex or soon to be ex wife is now that you are divorcing. She will likely be worse than she was when you were deciding whether or not to divorce her. You are seeing the real her, not the lie she perpetuated to get you to marry her just in case her giant breasts or fake accommodating personality did not get you to do it. You are now free from a horrible person. That has real value and will allow you to do things you wouldn't be able to do while married to her.
As the process moves forward, you will be confronted with challenges that you need to meet head on. Don't devalue yourself because your wife did. That is what she wants. She might be the prettiest woman you ever knew, but she isn't young and she will soon be dating men who understand what she is and know how to use her like she used others. She wants you to question your ability to be a parent so her lawyer, too often with the help of your own lawyer, can convince you to accept a parenting agreement that is less than 50/50. Fight with all you have not to make that happen even if you are feeling at your lowest point and just want it all over. We live in a system where a man loses his home, his money, his family, and he is expected to ready to battle an ex for access to his kids with a strong frame of mind all while years of work are being wiped out by the stroke of a Judges pen or the ability of a lawyer to place a stamp on a letter sending you bill after bill for what are mostly conversations about what you wont get it if you continue to fight. You can laugh all you want about the value of a life coach but this is the time you need one and a good one with life experience will help you get your mind right to not give up on what matters, which is your children and your mental health.
While you go through the child custody process, talk to your kids about what is going on especially if they are pre teens and up and they ask why mommy wont let them see or talk to you like they want. They will understand and it can be achieved without the need to put down their mother in their presence. The more you show that you are willing to be a dad, you will see your ex do even more to destroy the very kids she wants you to be away from. This hate and mental illness she has for such actions is a much bigger sickness than the one you are facing as you try to navigate a new and better life. While the process is going on and she is acting like its about the kids best interests, she will devalue their education and deprive them of opportunities all with the help of willing female teachers at the kids public school and an administration that does not want to get sued so they will do whatever needed to please the mentally ill mother who accepts no responsibility for the cause of her divorce and plays victim to get special favors. Call out this behavior whenever possible.
While your ex will try to convince judges she only cares about the kids to deprive you of custody and decision making ability, all while getting your kids dependent on prescription medication for made up academic woes, social inadequacy, or to help her manage her Munchausens Syndrome, you can do positive things rather than try to focus on the moms negative behavior. Find out about your kids interests beyond surface conversation and get involved with them. Instead of just dropping them off for their activities while mom brown noses and tries to embed herself into the groups of coaches/leaders, why not coach one of your kids teams? You can coach softball or soccer without knowing anything about it and your child will be so happy to see you involved. You will find joy in the appreciation of other kids that someone will take the time to help them enjoy a sport. The bond with your kid will grow while your kid grows up to resent the mother who put them on medication for no reason and who tried to hinder educational achievement all because she needed conflict or problems to exist so dad could not get equal custody. Your kids will get older. They will see your positive interaction and also moms destructive behavior toward their growth. The payoff will be invaluable especially if you are a father of daughters.
While you fight for equal custody or spend crazy amounts of time trying to maintain equal custody, make the most of it. Always be engaged and talking to your kids and help them learn about the real world, not the one that is hidden behind a fence of rainbows and butterflies perpetuated by mothers who have no ability to communicate even with children. Your ability to be real will cause your kids to open up to you about their personal issues and this trust and openness will help your kids navigate this me first world with values that still matter.
Now that you are single you also should have access to new ladies for dating. You are still desirable even if you think otherwise because your marriage didn't work. While dating soon after divorce is not recommended when it comes to forming relationships, you can enjoy the company of new ladies while working on your skills at being a better partner. If you havent already, start learning all you can about the women you meet. Practice your social skills and make them chase you. The reckless behavior post marriage is not something you want to do, but if you put yourself out there you can meet the right person who might be worthy of being in your life. Dating can be fun even if you rightly have no intention of ever marrying. You can control the narrative. Let women see you as the prize. If they test you with their behavior thinking they can get away with it because they are pretty and so many other divorced men continue to kiss their butt despite their bad behavior, you will be surprised at how easily you can walk away and go no contact. If you aren't 20 trying to get as much sex as possible and the women you are talking to aren't the mother of your kids or someone you loved, it is so easy to walk away. You lose nothing. Its time for it to be about you and your happiness. Your wife may have been beautiful and you may have kids with her, but you walked away once already. How much easier is it to not put up with female nonsense going forward. As you age and gain confidence from your success, beautiful women don't mean anything like they did before. They realize they cant control you and if you don't have children with them and aren't married to them, the state cant rape you for leaving. A quality woman will like you for you and not what you provide for her monetarily and this divorce experience will help you recognize these women and not just settle for the next pretty one you meet after your wife. Marriage is your world of lemons, but post divorce is now lemonade. Your confidence will guide you to a life of either no relationships or only those with the rare woman who is everything your past girlfriends and wife were not. This revelation is one of the best things to come out of divorce.
While you were married, you were likely the guy that put everyone before himself. You were a strong earner and a great partner. You did it all while your wife took advantage of it. What you didn't do was understand that no matter what you did for your family and wife, you married a crappy person who only cared about her own needs and there was nothing you could do to make her want you. She might not have left because she had a good life without you in her face day to day or was building to later time with a better financial payout but dont think because she wasnt leaving you that she hadnt already left you. Your lack of sex and communication was all you needed to know no matter how many days you lived under the same roof. The longer you allowed her to control things with no regard for you, your stress was high and your own health was ignored likely causing issues that made you gain weight or just not seem as appealing as the guys she saw at the gym every day in her leisure life while you worked yourself into an early grave. You cant change what happened or even the idiocy you feel for letting this go on for as long as you did, but you are now gone from her life by the grace of God. Now that your wife has to get a job and work post divorce, she has less time to flirt with random men at the gym who give her attention because they want sex not because shes this amazing person. Shes tired from a long day working and dealing with people who take advantage of her like she did you while you essentially worked for her. You are now working on yourself whether it be exercising or doing activities you like instead of trying to please an ungrateful wife only doing things she likes or more likely watching while she does things with everyone but you. You are your focus, not someone who shows nothing but disrespect while taking advantage of your character.
Divorce is never easy and no one facing it is glad they are having to deal with it. I delayed it for a long time and still didn't want to do it when I made the decision to walk out. The frustration and anger is still there. However, I did not wallow in it. I bettered myself. I enjoyed things that I could not before because I was too busy trying to take care of the wife and kids. I created a better living environment. I also became a better father helping my kids become better while becoming directly involved in their lives. If I had stayed married maybe I would not have done these things instead just seeing how much money I could make while my wife turned my kids into zombies with no ability to communicate or challenge themselves.
As you sit there reading trying to figure out how you will get through the process, take a step back and ask yourself how you can be better now that you don't have to take care of someone who didn't take care of you. The older you are and the longer you wait to pull the trigger on a divorce, the worst the recovery is and the ability to make lemonade is tougher. It can still be done at any age as you are not dead yet despite your wife secretly wishing you would drop dead so she can collect insurance or years down the road walk in to the Social Security Administration and collect your higher monthly check because she managed to stay married to you for 10 plus years. While you are busy having all the negative shoved in your face, understand there is a new life facing you and you will find that you lost nothing when your wife goes away(other than the money the state will take from you) and your self esteem and relationship with your kids will get better while you see the confidence in yourself that only comes from a man who is educated as to the ways of women. This knowledge and attitude will make you a better man and have relationships with better ladies rather than living a life of hard work and settling for less than you deserve. Your Lemonade is out there. Go make it gentleman.
The manosphere and many a divorce lawyers office are filled with stories from men about women who suddenly decided they no longer wanted to be married or even worse behaved in such a way where the man had no choice but to leave and file for divorce or live a life as a doormat. This does not even count the stories of infidelity or just flat out disrespect. Most men are too arrogant or ignorant to understand that a woman will never be loyal to him and she shows it through her behavior soon after the honeymoon period is over.
Instead of trying to understand why women are the way they are, what men need to understand is to accept how women are and make life choices based on the inevitable devaluation that will take place in the relationship. Just because a woman marries you does not mean she sees you any different than any other man she has dated. If you aren't her first husband you are likely going to pay for the sins of the men before her especially the man she married. Being a second husband is one of the dumbest mistakes a man can make and I can say that from experience. I had no chance at loyalty or admiration. That option was used up long ago on some other dudes even if for a brief moment before her relationship ended. Does that mean you go into monk mode and never date or marry? No. Men need to simply understand how women behave and recognize it so they can make relationship choices that work best for them.
I have always been an advocate of getting married young and having kids as early as possible which is something I believed even when I was young but was unable to achieve. While financially it might make things a bit tougher when compared to first establishing a career, it eliminates a mans financial exposure for child support and allows him to rebuild once the relationship goes bad. It is so much easier to deal with divorce at age 35 with older kids than at 40 with younger kids or even at age 50 with teenagers. Odds are you will get divorced or be in a relationship with a woman that has devalued you and will have an affair or just flat out disrespect you. If you get married young and it lasts you have a rare gift and no amount of sex with others you miss out on is worth losing that type of relationship. They died off with out parents and grandparents when society was a lot better and people showed more respect for each other.
Men need to learn that women are always looking for a better deal. If she can be better financially she will leave you for someone else. If you are the Alpha Dog provider, she might not leave, but she is going to have affairs both physical and emotional. This desire for better security and attention has caused them to have no character and use men in ways that men either don't recognize or ignore because they want kids or love a giant set of breasts even if access is temporary.
Instead of trying to fix or understand why women are this way, men must make life decisions accordingly so when things go bad to the point the trade he is making day to day to be with the woman isnt worth it, he can walk away without the emotional damage that comes with ignorance. Men are naturally loyal but in today's world he cannot be and maintain his sanity.
All men need to ask themselves why they are getting in to relationships and what they are willing to tolerate in order to get what they want from a woman. If it is anything other than kids, the trade you are making is not worth it. To have the awareness to where you actually see and recognize how your woman treats you and over time devalues you is very painful. Knowing when she finds richer, better looking, or just someone who will give her more attention she will leave you, it is tough to watch. You can do nothing about it however. You cant change her. The prettier she is the less of a chance you have to keep her attention long term no matter how much you try. Is the sex worth it? It shouldn't be. You can get that without being tied to a woman.
The desire for kids with a pretty and smart woman is mans kryptonite. We all manage it differently but it is there. For all the horrible treatment and devaluation I suffered while married, it was still worth it because of the gift of my kids who are healthy, smart, and attractive. The money paid out to the ex was worth it once I chose to walk out because I could not stand the thievery, devaluation, and disloyalty. It is tough to get the mental strength to accept that no matter how much you love someone, how well you provide, or how well you treat them, you cant make a person loyal, or behave with character. She will lie and steal to better herself. You simply need to decide what you can accept to pursue your goals of being around her. It could be kids. It could be sex. It could be just having a pretty woman with giant boobs on your arm. Failing to understand what women are is going to be your emotional destruction on top of everything else if you dont make the deal with yourself. Anything other than kids should be a no deal kind of set up.
Once everything goes bad, a well trained man can navigate the loss of the relationship because he isn't losing anything in terms of his relationship. He isn't losing someone who loves or cares. He isn't losing a loyal partner. He isn't losing someone who thinks of someone other than her or her kids which are essentially props to get things she needs for herself. You are losing nothing you would expect a partner to bring as a person. Does this mean a man is happy when his relationship is gone or his family is broken up? Deep down he isn't but its better than being stuck in negativity and disrespect that came with the woman. Even if men become aware of the true nature of women, then why are men angry and filled with hate toward exes and date less after their marriage breaks up? It is simple really. It is the court system that favors women. The man is not upset he lost a wife. He's upset she gets rewarded financially and he has to spend tons of money to possibly see his kids equally despite the fact her mental abuse is likely why the marriage ended. Fix this problem by eliminating alimony, not assuming a 50% split of the assets when one spouse earns it all and the other is addicted to porn on a computer or cant even keep a house clean, and forcing a wife to pay her husbands lawyer fees if she chooses to fight an equal custody arrangement. Steps like these are just the beginning to build a foundation for eliminating male anger but also destroying the family court system which is just a money grab for lawyers and a redistribution of wealth by the State.
Think about these things when you are entering a relationship with a woman and over time the woman will understand that you see what she is and that you don't care one bit when the relationship ends. What you do care about(your money and your kids) are what she wants to take which basically reaffirms that loyalty and character do not apply to women and protecting them should be your priority. Let the woman go.
Learn this now as a young man and live a life you control with kids and maybe the rare woman who appreciates you as a man or learn this later while you get divorce raped, lose access to your kids, and get into an emotional state that causes your life to lack enjoyment because you thought the woman you married might actually be loyal.
Your marriage world is not your parents marriage world. Gone are the days where most people get married young and build a life together which includes the accumulation of property. If the marriage did not work out to the point of divorce, which was rare, there was not as much difficulty determining what was marital property and what was individual property. Women also were not as worldly as today's modern THOT.
With people getting married later in life or getting married for a second time after they have accumulated a fair amount of property, it is important not only to know what property belongs to you and is not subject to your state's equitable distribution laws should the marriage end, which it likely will.
In North Carolina, what you owned before you married is your separate property and what property you obtained while you were married is marital property. While there are some exceptions which include property you inherited while married, for the most part you need to know what was your property and what was marital property from day one of your marriage because the wife will lie about that stuff once you want a divorce and in an extreme case could leave the home empty when she is ready taking everything out including stuff that is pre marital and personal to you. The personal stuff my ex removed from the home out of spite are thing she had no personal interest in and are things I can never get back. If you think you married a sweet woman and she would never steal or lie in an equitable distribution filing, you are more blind than I was when I got divorced.
One of the many hassles in the divorce process is filling out the forms where you list your property that is yours solely and what property is marital property. On the surface this should be simple, right? Your soon to be ex wife has always said what is hers is hers and what is yours is ours. You could have the laziest do nothing wife, but from the minute she marries you she is inventorying all of your individual property and the marital property that will soon come to maximize her financial windfall in a divorce.
I remember when I was getting divorced how all of this preparation from the wife was a total shock and only added to the confirmation that divorcing her was the right thing to do. Throughout our marriage I was the one that paid all the bills and handled the marital finances. My earnings covered that luckily. I knew the wife had a separate bank account and money she did earn when she worked went into her account and I had no access to it. The money I earned was used by her as needed. I was not married to someone who was managing money or taking financial charge of the household. Before we married I had accumulated a significant amount of stuff that was my separate property. The stuff she brought into my house that was hers could be put in the back of a pickup truck. The point is my wife did not seem to be someone who was into possessions or stuff like I was. I readily shared everything I had and there was no score keeping as to anything. I did not expect her to steal from me muchless lie on court forms as it related to assets.
Why do I mention this you ask? The point I am trying to make to men and clients is that once you are getting divorced, if you think you married some simple woman who has no interest in possessions or even your pre marriage stuff, think again and begin preparing to save your stuff as soon as you get married.
When you are divorcing your emotions are running high. The loss of someone you care for or who betrayed you, access to your kids not being guaranteed, and having to build a new life are all at the forefront. You expect to keep your separate property and divide the remaining stuff equally and fairly. You dont think you will be that person fighting over dishes or that issues regarding the classification of property would be something you would face, especially when your wife does not give off the impression she is into possessions.
Once we got to the part where we had to meet with lawyers to list the stuff in our posession(the stuff I left in the house and the stuff I moved when I took out), for all the difficulty I was dealing with as to this life change, I was now presented with a ledger my wife had literally been keeping since our marriage. She claimed to know when everything was bought, what my personal property was, and what was marital property. She had printouts as to the cars I owned pre marriage showing the value, the type of gun I had and its value, and all sorts of stuff. The fact she took the time to list it all out was one thing, the fact she tried to claim things that I saw as personal property as marital property was even more shocking. A stereo that I clearly remember buying for myself a few months before we married was listed by the wife as marital property with the purchase date being just after we married. She did this with so many personal items of mine, most of which she never used or had an interest in. Because she brought nothing to the marriage she now felt all of my property that could not be documented with pre marital purchase receipts was not marital property. I was in shock. In addition to wondering how a sloth of a woman who didn't work and let our house stay so dirty that child protective services could have shown up and removed our kids from the home, I was now watching the same woman have all of my property listed out with all the marital property. When I did my list I didn't include stuff that was minor in value and I certainly didnt list her personal pre marriage property as marital property. It was shocking to watch the presentation from someone who now seemed like a professional organizer and accountant which is the exact opposite of the person I knew who couldn't keep a house clean.
This was a tough lesson as I now had to battle to retain much of my own stuff in addition to the battles that come with valuing marital property and getting your fair share. The stuff I left with was made out to be plated with gold bullion while the stuff I left in the home(not counting the stuff she stole and hid) was made out to be worthless. Anything to argue for a higher payout for the property she was going to do. The shock and amazement at such brazen behavior by a woman who was given so much and who provided nothing economically in return still stays with me. My situation was not unique and many clients and friends have experienced the same.
The lesson is simple but valuable even if it is abhorrent you are treating a wife like a thief or enemy before you marry her. When you get married inventory your stuff. Take pictures of all your personal items that are not subject to equitable distribution should you divorce. Keep receipts for all big ticket items you own. That $2,000.00 bike you bought before you married is going to be argued as marital property if you don't have proof of when you purchased it. While the importance of all this really depends on your level of wealth going in to the marriage, you still need to prepare because as long as the woman you marry feels you might divorce her, which is even heightened if you choose to marry a woman who was married before like I did, shes going to protect herself from day one to maximize her financial payout.
When it comes to your wife, don't let her behavior or actions speak for what kind of person she is going to be when the divorce happens. The dishonesty that goes on with women in a marriage is always going to exist, but don't assume your wife wont steal from you when it comes to property that she never owned or has no interest in because her desire to destroy you overcomes any lazy or sloth like behavior you see day to day while you were married. She might look lazy, but she is going to be more prepared for a divorce than you ever will be if you dont have the right people on your side.
I was never much of a drinker and in fact I am pretty much a teatotaller for a variety of reasons. Seeing alcohol in any situation is rarely good and it has an effect on children and relationships especially when the habit is hidden.
I grew up in a lower middle class environment in Southern California. I remember my parents having friends who were a little rough around the edges. While I never saw my parents drink much, I remember get togethers with other families where the Coors was flowing the smell was obvious. It was gross in a cigarette kind of way. My parents smoked when I was young and that smell was a big reason I have never considered smoking a cigarette or anything ever. The alcohol smell was nasty but not as bad and it seemed more socially acceptable. It took a little more life experience observing others for me to see the effects of excessive alcohol use and for me to decide that taking a drink was rarely going to happen if ever.
Fast forward to high school and you see kids drink and I had friends who clearly liked to brag about how much they could drink. Over time, these were kids I wanted no part of for a variety of reasons. Once in college, kids who had never had any freedom began to drink like alcohol was water often with consequences that involved injury to personal embarrassment causing them to withdraw from school after a bad weekend that they regretted. Watching an 18 year old kid back his bags and leave school for good because of what he did while drunk and how the other kids made him feel even more shame is not something I would wish on anyone. Other than having half a bottle of Corona with some chicken wings or a wine cooler while trying to be social, I would never drink to the point of not being in control. Having a girlfriend cheat on me using alcohol as an excuse cost me a relationship that obviously was not as meaningful as I thought. Alcohol is a life lesson and you need to ask yourself how it fits in to your life and that of someone you might marry.
Simply put I am not a big fan of alcohol but to each his own as long as they do not cause harm to others. What people who drink do not understand, is that alcohol is something that effects relationships and children. While alcohol use by others use might be something men can ignore in social situations, they cannot ignore its use by a woman who you want to be your wife or who is already your wife.
One of the difficulties of being a non drinker is that people who find out you are non drinker either think you are all high and mighty or they hide their drinking so as to not feel inferior when they are around you. This is typical even if you don't insult or judge a woman you might meet who does drink a bit more than you would. As a man you have to be able to spot women who have problems with alcohol before you consider getting married and having children. While the woman you marry is not the woman you divorce, you cant go into a marriage worried if your wife has an alcohol problem or fail to spot it if she does develop one after you have been married for awhile.
Once you are married to someone, you want the secrets between the two of you to be minimal. A secret can be fine if you know your spouse will never find out about it or if it is one you will accept the end of your marriage if they do, but alcohol is not one of those secrets that are easy to hide. Seeing bottles of liquor in your cupboard that aren't yours yet never seeing your wife drink around you is a problem. Having your children say they saw mommy drinking or even finding bottles around the house is a huge problem and will stick with them. As a parent do you ever want your children to see you drink to the point of being drunk? Do you want your kids to think you sneak your drinks? Of course not.
If you and your spouse are both drinkers and its out in the open, any problems that exist regarding behavior will play out with full disclosure directly or indirectly. That is for another post. However, when one spouse hides their alcohol habit and you are aware of it, your relationship is going to end or at the very least be filled with resentment as you will not think you know the person you married.
In addition to the bad behavior alcohol enables, its hidden use can be an indication of other problems or secrets that may exist with an individual. You do not want that person to be your spouse. If alcohol use is not a big part of your life or you in fact are basically a non drinker, you need to vet a woman for her alcohol habits before you consider marrying her. While you cannot change what she might become after you marry her, you need to have your eyes open to the habit. There is nothing good about drinking beyond the occasional social drink and if you are on a different page as to whether a certain amount of use by a spouse is proper, then you are going to have problems down the road.
Little secrets are a sign of big secrets in a marriage and nothing good is going to come from that down the road especially when there are children involved.
There is nothing worse than ending a relationship but not being able to totally break free because you have kids with your ex spouse is probably worse if you do not handle it right. Even if you have the ability to go no contact and the strength to move on, it is not going to be so easy when you have kids. That being said, while your kids should always come first, if you allow yourself to get caught up in the hate of an ex spouse, you will find yourself doing things that either cause you great personal embarrassment or endless levels of stress.
Remember that you split up with your spouse because of some betrayal. Betrayal can be a single act or years of disrespect, but you aren't splitting because you grew apart. You aren't friends any longer if you ever were. As you accept that your relationship is splitting up, you must also watch how your ex handles your access to the kids when it comes time to see if co parenting is a reality. Coparenting only works when both parents see each other as equal parents in terms of time and value to the children. If one parent sees the other parent as less than you cannot coparent with that person. It is really a simple concept that men as the typically devalued parent need to understand. If you cant understand this concept then your sentencing yourself to years of mental anguish and will reduce your ability to be the best parent you can for your kids.
While the best advice is to set aside your differences for the kids and do the best you can to make sure their transitions into single households are as easy as possible, this does not mean you become a fake person pretending to tolerate or even co exist with someone who created the destruction of your family. You cant fake kindness with any credibility if your behavior was the big reason for the marriages demise. You need to get time with your kids and focus all your family energy on time with them. There is really little or no reason to speak to the ex spouse to be a good parent. Interacting with an ex or creating a family get together like dinners etc is only going to mentally mess up your kids more.
It is important you set the ground rules of post split interaction almost immediately upon deciding to split. You might have to be a little more accommodating to your spouse until a parental agreement is in place and sometimes it isnt possible if you have to leave your home to avoid further bad behavior or fake accusations of violence. Being a jerk or an ass is going to make the stack against you even bigger when it comes time to determine custody so do all you can to avoid conflict and show you can rise above differences until the Judge can hear from you and make a custody determination if you cannot do it with your ex. There is no bigger piece of human shit in the world than a woman who forces you into a court room to get equal custody of your kids absent legitimate issues. Divorcing a woman is not a reason for her to hijack your kids from you and such behavior should eliminate any chance at a coparenting relationship.
Men must understand the nature of women and how they value you as a father. While you are great for paying bills and playing babysitter as needed, too many women would be happy if you disappeared soon after the birth leaving them to be a single mom, especially if they have dating options and you can leave them financially set through equitable distribution or a soon to come child support order. You can be the best dad in the world while married , but upon splitting you will be devalued to justify her demands for custody and to deflect her inferiority as a woman and wife.
If you cannot agree on a custody arrangement at the time of splitting up and any extensive litigation is required to determine custody, co parenting is pretty much off the table. You will know which way this will play out likely before you ever leave your marital home. Women way more so than men use children as pawns to get revenge or a higher monthly financial payout without even thinking of how this behavior affects the kids. How you can even look at a woman, much less talk to one, who blatantly and in your face said you are worth anywhere from two over night visits a month to maybe every other weekend with your children despite your character as a man and father. Ask any woman who co parents effectively with the father of her kids about her custody agreement and she will tell you it is on her terms and likely less than equal custody. These women would not seem so cooperative if their ex had demanded equal custody. While there are women who despite the fact their relationship ended value their exes importance as a father and will agree to an equal time custody deal post split, these women are rare. Our court system enables and encourages women to decide what custody they want and if the man opposes it, he has to go into court and fight to get it and he better have so much ammunition against the woman just to get equal. If parenting and character standards in court were reversed, men would get equal custody more often than women would. The standard for a man to obtain or keep equal custody is higher than a womans. Women know this and thus feel confident that there will be no penalty when they keep the kids from the father or let him see them on her terms. Most people don't have the money for an extensive custody battle so men end up losing out on time with their kids because they cant afford it. the shock of watching a woman you loved and had kids with blatantly keep your kids from you often does not wear off until its too late to make some very important decisions in your fight for custody.
As I tell men to never accept less than equal custody time of his kids and to make a judge not an ex wife tell you you are not a father worthy of equal time, if the end result is not going to be equal through your own consent or a judges decision, how can you expect to be a co parent with any sense of value? As bad as women see you before the custody order is in place, they will devalue you even more if they get the custody they want and what is worse they will try to undermine your custody and relationship with your kids should you get awarded equal custody by a judge. You cannot co parent with these women.
Once the custody order is in place, you need to invest all your energy in to your time with your kids. Manipulative phone calls, texts, and emails by the ex during your custody time are designed to distract and make you feel like a child. Her reminder to give Johnny his depression medication or to talk to him and ask him how Tuba practice was when she could care less about it is all designed to mess with your mind and to make sure the kids do not forget about mommy for even one second when they are not with her. Ignore them and do not answer them. Do not respond to anything that is not an emergency. Do not offer to help her watch the kids while they are on her time. You will learn that is a waste and that mom would rather hire a babysitter than give the kids more time with dad. You will be at your wits end trying to cooperate with a person who wants to manipulate and demean you. Your pride as a man will also take a hit if a woman who made it clear she does not see you as an equal parent yet you talk to her like you will accommodate or help her as she needs you. Having kids with a woman does not make you her emotional bitch even if you are her financial bitch.
Your mental health is the most important and your kids want a mentally healthy strong father spending time with them not one who is interacting with mom and getting upset because he sees how he is being treated. Your kids will see it and it will hurt all of you which is what mom wants. Your mental health can only heal and become strong once you put the past behind you. The marriage is over and your wife is gone. She is not coming back. She only has power over your mind and spirit if you let her. You aren't going to co parent with the mom for your kids benefit when she has devalued you as a parent from day one. Kids don't care if mom or dad get along and if you are fake nice to each other for the sake of coparenting the kids will see it and likely make fun of you as the dad for still being moms whipping boy.
I try to live in the same way I advise my clients. I have not spoken with my ex since I walked out many years ago when my kids were very young and even if the Judge has made it clear my ex and I do not coparent when my ex tried to take my equal custody, the Judge sees that I am a great dad and my kids like being around me. A judge isn't going to change your custody because you don't talk to your ex as long as you show the court you are a top notch man and father. Bettering yourself should be more of a goal than how you will coparent with someone who would take joy at your emotional destruction. Until the custody is decided or agreed, you have show you can be a coparent, but if the ex is one of those that forced a fight rather than agree to equal custody, she is not worthy of one ounce of your breath once the custody order is in place.
Conventional Coparenting wisdom saying you need to get along with the ex and speak cordially for the sake of the kids is the same as those people in the nutrition industry who tell you to never skip breakfast as its the most important mean of the day. We as men need to reverse our thinking. If you are one of those men who can get along so easily with an ex after a divorce, you are either a wimp or didn't care one bit about the marriage. If you are a normal man, you want no part of the ex even as it relates to the kids and only need some support or encouragement to never speak to the ex again once the custody order is in place. Your wife may not have admired you but taking this approach will cause your kids to think you are an awesome and no nonsense dad which in turn will cause you to raise better kids.
If you need coaching as to how to live a no contact lifestyle with an ex while raising great kids, get in touch with our office.
When it comes to divorce and ending relationships, the most difficult behavioral concepts are often the most simple and most vital when it comes to a mans mental health and future outlook on life.
To understand the concept of No Contact and why it matters, ask yourself why your relationship ended. It likely involves betrayal by you or your spouse. Its really that simple. There is no big analysis needed as to why relationships end. It isn't typically about growing apart or life changing events. Betrayal can come in different forms, but the concept is simple especially when it comes to the ending of a marriage. Either way, even if you have children, as a man you need to move on and never speak to the ex again. You need to understand why in order for you to have a future of good mental health or potential relationships.
If you left your wife because you met another woman or you want to be a single man and chase pussy like you are 18 again, you are pathetic as a man. To insult your wife further by trying to be friends after the breakup, help her with her chores, or even do anything with her related to the kids if you have them is only insulting her further and making yourself look like some white knight type of guy who is really a piece of shit. Accept your choices and move on while being the best parent you can. Never speak to her again.
If your wife betrays you, your approach is the same. If your wife left you because she wants to be single and get a check from you each month, or simply does not admire or respect you causing her to look at you with disdain day to day forcing you take the action of leaving because she wants to play victim while getting paid, why would you want to be with this person much less talk to her? If all you did for your spouse and your family was to result in no contributions, sloth like behavior, or poor treatment from your wife, why would you want to have contact with this person ever again? Ask what made you take such a rash decision to want to break up your family? Its not about leaving the cap off the tooth paste or the toilet seat up. Its about contempt which resulted in betrayal. With women, its usually not about them cheating. They are pros at hiding that and yes they do cheat. Its usually about the mental betrayal of a failed partnership. Imagine having a business with someone and you did all the work and earned all the money and your partner contributed nothing yet at the end of the year the profits were split equally. How long would you let that go on? It is no different in marriage. Imagine being the man and you work a lot and bring home tons of money so your wife has a comfortable life allowing her to stay at home with the kids. Your house is never clean, you do all the yard work, and she uses sex as a weapon knowing you think she is one of the most beautiful women you have ever seen. She treats strangers better than you and acts like you dont exist when you are at home. Her hours spent late at night on the computer betraying your trust and interacting with people in a way that are improper make you look dumber than you already are for providing such a good life for a horrible woman. Why would you ever want to talk such a person once you get the courage to leave?
I know you have kids and you want to put on the best front possible for them? Who cares.
Once you and your wife split up, shes gone, you are never going back, but you are still a parent. Depending on how your relationship ended and the type of person your ex wife is, she is going use the kids as pawns to hurt you even if she is the one that caused the break up. Shes probably going to steal as much of your personal stuff as she can too all while denying it and playing victim to anyone who will listen including a man hating court system. She wants to show others that you are not a good father as part of the big picture that you were not worthy of her or to cause you pain for leaving her. If you have doubts about losing your spouse because of her betraying behavior such as outlined above, watch how she handles the custody issue and you will lose any regret you had for losing your wife. Any woman who puts her own thoughts of how to punish you over the health and happiness over her kids is the prime example of why no contact does and should exist. If you don't have kids then there is no reason to talk to her ever again but even if you do, her post split behavior will eliminate any regret you might have about completely cutting her out of your life, kids or no kids.
It may take awhile to get the custody issues decided and it is important you get the custody time decided. How to go about that is discussed in other places, but you want everything in writing in the form of a court order so you know when and where you will see your kids. Until this court order is in place you are likely to require more emails or texts to arrange scheduling and pickups etc than you would like in a no contact approach. Do it all in writing and never speak to her and never go near her physically to eliminate all possible attempts at false claims of threats or violence that she will make against you until you accept less than equal custody of your kids. You will find that throughout this process, especially if she will not agree to equal custody or wants you financially ruined, that the person you left or are upset because she left you is not a quality person. You will soon ask yourself why you spent any length of time with her and even married her. Its always tough to lose someone you were attracted to and who is the mother of your kids, but that is part of the withdrawal of no contact and these facts should help you make the transition a bit easier. She might be physically attractive and the mother of your kids, but as a person she is basically worthless and not worthy of any of your time going forward.
If you are unable to take these drastic steps, you are going to mentally destroy yourself and your children will respect you less especially if you have sons. You have a duty to teach your sons how to deal with women and we are becoming a society where men are increasingly devalued and disrespected but where men need to learn to not tolerate it like our fathers did. These societal transitions must be passed on to our sons so they can recognize and learn at a young age the nature of women and hopefully to end up with a good one as there are a few in this world. In the same sense, if you have daughters, they need to learn that strong men aren't going to be whipped by an ex wife who likely betrayed or cheated on them causing their family to be destroyed. If you cheated on the mother of your children and you have daughters, you will have spend even more time trying to earn their respect but if you left their mother because of how she treated you, you will have a unique opportunity to earn the respect of your daughters will also teaching them not to treat men like their mother does. For this country to survive we need to raise daughters to be respectful and not selfish instead of allowing them to be glorified THOTs posting pictures on Instagram or staying up all wee hours of the night on a computer playing sex games or writing about Harry Potter characters having perverted sex so other fan ficton writers can give the affirmation that you cant get from being a wife or stay at home mother.
No matter what the circumstances are causing your marriage to end, it is emotionally tough if you are any type of human who cares about others. You don't marry every person you meet and you certainly don't have kids with everyone either but you cant dwell on making a bad choice when it came time to picking a wife. Once the wife devalues you and disrespects you, while she may not leave the marriage, she is abusing you to the point where you want the marriage to end. You must have self respect and move on in totality which includes getting the courage to leave and go no contact.
Men who are able to break free and deal with an ex via no contact have better futures with new women and a cleaner mental health outlook. It certainly isn't easy and requires mental strength that most men don't have or who need real push and encouragement to see it through to so they can live healthier lives going forward. If you are unable to do that get the advice and support that will allow you to do it. Quitting a bad woman is like quitting smoking. You might get some enjoyment from it, but it is slowly killing you. You know you need to do it and there will be withdrawals when you finally get the courage and strength to do so. Once you take the step to quit and never go back, your health gets better. You cant do it halfway.
As women see more men being willing to take such harsh steps, especially men who existed in their marriage with little conflict and in an easy going style trying to please a wife, women will learn they need to value their husbands and marriages a bit better. Best of luck guys and if you need help taking or justifying these steps contact MenUnited for guidance.